Name: Michael Rosenbaum | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Uploaded: 2024-05-01T15:00:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Rosenbaum | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Rosenbaum | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-01. Transcript available.

Michael Rosenbaum | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

You made it weird. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird. You made
it weird. You made it weird. With Pete Holmes. Yes, you did. You made it weird.
What's happening, weirdos? So glad you guys are here. This is Michael Rosenbaum,
who is the host of the incredible podcast Inside of You, on which I was a guest.
He's also had Keanu Reeves, J.K. Simmons. He's had some really, really heavy
hitters. It's always fun. It's pop culture. It's interesting. It's introspective.
As you're about to hear, it's mostly because Michael. He's a really, really
interesting, deep, and wonderful, and fun friend.
Also, you may know him as Lex Luthor from the series Smallville TV Guide,
included him on the list of the 60 nastiest villains of all time.
And no, he did not ask me to say that. I just thought that was worth sharing up
top.
So check out Inside of You. Enjoy this conversation. Hope to see you guys at a
show, May the 4th.
I'm here in L.A. for the Netflix is a Joke Fest, coming to Chicago, coming to
Houston, Pennsylvania.
It's all on PeteHolmes.com. Hope to see you guys out there on the road.
In the meantime, enjoy this chat. Get into it.
That's for you. And also Magic Mind. Have you ever had Magic Mind?
Drink that. Then you'll enjoy this.
Yeah, but it's frozen.
Frozen bomb. That's what my friends used to call me.
Get on the mic. I'm mad at you. Get on the mic.
My friends used to call me frozen bomb.
How are you going to start with what's clearly a delightful, wonderful anecdote?
Well, are we filming?
Yeah.
My mom used to cook frozen pizzas all the time for dinner. She was a terrible
cook.
So shouldn't she have been frozen bomb?
Well, my friends were always like, frozen bomb. His mom makes frozen pizzas all
the time for his meals.
Can I just say...
Sort of embarrassing.
The 80s, 80s, 90s.
Yeah.
Rough time.
It was a rough time.
It wasn't the 50s, but it was rough. I remember... I'm not proud of this. Oh,
we didn't plug that in. Does that matter, Katie?
Yeah, actually, shit. Let's do that.
What's... No, we're still talking. This is still the pod.
I don't... Am I behind you now? What are you doing?
I just remember that in the 90s, when I was in junior high, there was a kid...
Oh, God, I hate this story.
Well, then don't tell it.
No, I just want to be on the record that I don't like it, that I'm going to
tell it.
Oh, so, okay, you're setting it up like you don't...
As long as you show remorse.
Well, I hope I do.
Well, that's what we could...
Brought to you by Magic Mind.
Say it to your camera.
Magic Mind.
Drink it.
I'm humorless... Shake it. Shake it real good.
So, anyway, what I was going to say was there was a friend of ours who...
You know, my school was in Cambridge, and do you want to know what's in it?
As long as there's no shellfish.
No shellfish.
I'll die if there's shellfish.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Frozen bomb?
Frozen bomb. I don't know if I'd die, but it would not be good.
You'd puff up like a pufferfish.
Yeah.
Anyway, this kid lived in a condo.
Who cares?
But at the time, we just didn't know what that was.
Most of the kids lived in, I guess, houses.
That's not even true.
But he lived in a condo.
Now that I'm a grown man, I'm like, he lived in a dope-ass condo.
Yeah.
But it wasn't what you saw on TV.
Right.
On TV, you saw a little lawn and a house and a driveway.
Now, as a grown man, I'm like, he was in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in a nice
building.
Got in in the late 80s.
Probably got a steal.
Probably tripled in value.
But as a kid, I was like, we used to joke that he lived in a cave.
We were like, he lives in a cave.
Meanwhile, some of those kids that were in on this horrible cave riff also
lived in condos.
It was just, they were just happy they weren't getting it.
Right.
Are you sure they were condos?
Instead of apartments?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I distinctly remember being like, this isn't quite, I don't know.
How can you tell?
We used to call them duplexes.
Yeah, there you go.
You know, where I grew up, it was like the Dozer twins lived in a duplex a
couple blocks away.
And they were just, you know, it was like an apartment.
Dozer cat?
Dozer.
Oh.
They were Amy and Robin Dozer.
They were these hot sisters.
And somehow, don't ask me, I mean, we can get into it, but I made out with them.
And it was the first time I ever kissed a girl, but it was a humiliating story.
But continue your Cambridge story.
Yeah, I will.
Because I know how to host a podcast.
What happened?
What?
So my friend Danny Cutter and I were outside.
Danny.
Danny, old Danny.
And, you know, it's funny, to become friends with him, we had just moved in in
1980 and I
I was sitting there depressed on my porch and my dad was mowing the lawn and he
had one
of these mowers that didn't have the bag attached to just shit and rocks and
stuff would fly into
his face.
Like the natives.
Yeah, he was, I was like, get a grass catcher.
Dad, get a bag.
Get a bag.
Get a bag, dad.
And he goes, what's wrong with you?
And I go, I don't have any friends.
And he's like, well, why don't you just knock on every door in the neighborhood
and see
if they have a kid your age who's 10 years old?
He wants you to go Jehovah's Witness?
That's exactly what I did.
I knocked on every door.
Hi, my name is Michael.
I'm 10.
Do you have a kid I could play with?
No.
Door closed, door closed, door closed.
And then one door opened and it was Mrs. Cutter.
And she had great boobs.
I remember that because.
She didn't know this little horndog monster that she was letting into her life.
Well, no.
I didn't think about her boobs then.
But one day while I became friends with Danny, I walked by the bedroom and she
was putting
on her bra and I saw her boobs and I was just, she was like, Michael, Michael.
And then I, and I never forgot those boobs.
They were just slightly tanned.
The boobs themselves?
Very.
What, is she going to topless bars?
No, they weren't really tanned.
She was just, she had a darker complexion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they were very pleasant and plump.
And I, I've dreamt about those boobs for years.
It's very true.
Well, can I say unexpected boobs?
Unexpected boobs.
Unexpected boobs.
If you get a side breast when it's unexpected, that's enough to keep you going.
I was walking right down over here on Vermont and there was a place that did
burlesque.
What's funny is you could go in.
I don't think there was even a cover.
I could go in and see boobs.
That's what burlesque is.
It sort of is.
It's like, but it's kind of funny.
So you feel like less skeezy.
It's like, ah, it's a joke.
It's fun.
It's a joke.
In your mind, you're like, mm-hmm.
It's like the guy in the, in the nineties that was like, let's watch this porno.
It's hilarious.
Like that kid.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's so funny.
I still remember Tyler Mack was like, and then they start doing it.
And the sound she makes is hilarious.
And then he puts it on.
I'm like, I can't watch porn with other guys.
Me neither.
I never have.
I remember one kid put porn on and I was just like, fun, comfortable.
I'm out.
I can't do that.
And he was just there and she was making a weird sound.
And I was just like, how is this what you wanted to do?
Yeah.
And it's not funny.
It's to quote Dr. Gary Penn, my therapist, it's very erotic.
Yeah.
And I don't want to be here.
Yeah.
A bunch of guys getting aroused together in a room.
It's not for me.
It's not for me.
Anyway, Danny.
Wait, wait, wait.
There was something I was telling you.
Oh, we're not going to forget you and your boobs.
Well, wait, the burlesque show, the burlesque show, surprise boobs.
So when you saw the boobs.
All I want to say is I could have gone in the front and seen the boobs, but
instead I was
walking by and I looked up to the second story and that's where they were
changing.
These are women that get naked for their job, but I saw accidental boobs on the
sidewalk
boobs.
How funny are accidental boobs?
I still think about them.
See, it's when you're not supposed to see something.
You're not supposed to see behind the curtain.
Can I actually, exactly, and can I bring a little neuroscience in this?
Yes, please.
Dopamine, the way it works is if you're expecting dopamine, like if I say,
Michael, do you want
to go get an ice cream with me?
You actually start releasing these predicting dopamine feelings, which actually
kind of evens
out the whole experience.
I'm going to get ice cream.
I'm going to get ice cream.
Then you eat it and it's like, I knew I was going to get ice cream and it's not
as much
of a thrill.
Surprise boobs is the way dopamine works at its best is when it's a thrill.
It's a surprise.
So you do a show or you do a scene and you thought it was going to be bad and
it was
great.
Then you get a huge hit.
That's surprise boobs.
Well, yeah, same thing.
It's like if you're doing stand-up and you go out there and you're expecting
not a big
crowd on Tuesday night and it's packed.
I'm telling you.
You're like, whoa.
One of the best nights of my career was in Tempe, Arizona, and it was New Year's
weekend
and both my opener and I are like, it's the night before New Year's.
Who's going to be there?
Sold out.
Okay, fine.
But they're going to be terrible.
Best crowd of the tour.
And I was like, we were like, you ever feel so good it's embarrassing?
You kind of have to pretend you're normal.
Like, hello.
We felt so good because our brains were prepping for you sat on your porch and
your dad tells
you to knock on door feeling, but then we got, you saw some naturally tan boobs
with nice
symmetrical boobs.
I say jibs because they're jiggling, not because they're Jewish boobs.
Jan Cutter.
Jan Cutter.
God rest her soul.
Dead.
She died.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Well.
See, that just completely turned it around.
Or are we honoring?
We're honoring her and her lovely bosoms.
We are.
I was part of it.
Yeah.
It's okay.
Do you like the word bosom?
I don't mind it.
Like, I don't like bosom buddies.
Oh, they're bosom buddies.
What are we, nursing on each teat?
What is your, is that what it is?
I don't know.
Look at these bosom buddies.
What on each?
What's your favorite word to describe breasts?
You're like, she has great breasts, great boobs, tits, bosoms.
Where's Juggs on this list?
Juggs.
You know what I call my wife's?
What?
Chuggers.
Chuggers.
I go, I love your chuggers.
Nice chuggers, baby.
I go, but I'll say it in earnest, which is weird.
I'll go like, you have the best chuggers in the business.
We have these, we watch horror movies.
I have horror movie nights at my house for all my horror movie buddies.
I remember that.
And we watch them.
And for some reason, we get all giggly and fun when we see boobs.
And some old, especially the older horror movies, you see a lot of boobs.
Yeah, the cheapest special effects there.
Oh my God, this movie just jumped up to a B or whatever.
We have a B cup.
If you see a movie.
No, dude, when I was a kid and I'd watch, there was like a college TV station.
So kind of like pirate radio, but it was a TV station.
Right.
And they just air movies.
And there are certain movies where you can't cut around the nudity.
And once I learned this, like it's background nudity.
Yeah.
It's like Tom Hanks, the frat house movie, party house, I think it's called.
Something like that.
Something like that.
Doesn't matter.
There's a scene where the cops bust in and there's hundreds of extras.
And a lot of them are topless.
What are you going to just not show that scene?
Continuity.
Yeah.
So guess who's seeing, you know, little standard definition.
Slumber party massacre.
There's just a scene.
It's so random.
It's like a shower scene.
We're sounding like such pigs, but we're kids.
We're watching these.
Yeah.
And it's just, it's just a dolly and naked butts.
And then a girl turns around and it's her boobs.
And then she turns back.
And now we tilt down and then we tilt up.
We see boobs.
We go to the neck.
And there's no reason.
They're just, the camera's just checking them out.
This camera operator was hired for a reason.
I picture him.
He's got a Hawaiian shirt, nothing 