Name: Jonathan Kite | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast
Uploaded: 2024-07-24T15:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jonathan Kite | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jonathan Kite | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-24. Transcript available.

Jonathan Kite | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast

what's happening weirdos so excited you guys are here to enjoy my chat with jonathan
kite
jonathan kite you may know him as uh oleg on two broke girls but i know him as
one of the funniest
impressionists i've ever met in my life so we do a ton a ton of impressions i
should mention that we
recorded this several months ago so much has uh changed in the world as you
know uh in the past
month um you should know this was this is a slightly older one it's a couple
months old
so anything i don't know anything uh weird just keep in mind keep in mind we
didn't know what we
know now as we're probably going to do i'm sure trump impressions come up i'm
sure maybe even a
biden impression i don't know but uh keep in mind it was all in good fun and we're
just we're just
horsing about not even horsing around horsing about so i hope you enjoy it as
much as i did if you do
uh you're about to you're about to crap your pants i really love this guy and i
love hanging out with
him and i'm so glad you guys are here uh follow jonathan kite on instagram uh
also check him out
on tour all of that would be on his instagram if you want to see me on tour pete
holmes.com
i'm going to be in madison i'm so excited to be coming back to comedy on state
uh pittsburgh
at the improv helium in buffalo just added that buffalo new york milwaukee and
denver for the
comedy works all those are amazing places to perform i'm so excited all the
tickets are available
on pete holmes.com madison pittsburgh buffalo you got it you got it the first
time milwaukee
denver you got it all right i'm so glad you're here enjoy the wonderful chat
with jonathan kite
get into it there we go that's going to be right there wow wow wow wow wow
crazy who's that um
barack obama let me be clear people i can't do it people of chicago people in
chicago we have hope
we have dreams the model of the king said i have a dream oh when he goes deep
and creepy that dream
i've been doing trump i have a dream i have a dream pablo francisco and i are
trying to do a
a two-hander on stage and we always end with like audience suggestions and if i
get trump i do trump
as martin luther king jr and i go i have a dream and that dream is to get
pissed on by a lot of russian
hookers you're the first guest that's done trump before i did
i spend the entire episode the past since i've dialed it in a little bit more
yeah i spent katie
i'll tell you every single episode resisting the urge to do it yeah and then
when i do it
we have so much fun i'm like why didn't i do it you should just do it do it all
the time and then
have you noticed this when you do a trump or maybe maybe you have a story about
another impression you
do yeah you start talking like them like in my regular voice but i'll start
using like i'll be
having breakfast i'll be like beautiful eggs i'm like oh no oh no oh no he's
made it to my breakfast
table snap crackle sometimes pop i remember when ed jemima was white before the
liberal the
woke cucks got in here and they made syrup i said make america great again and
make syrup white again
okay that's actually funny syrup is a very white you know what i mean goes on
pancakes the blandest
whitest yeah it's like tapped from trees i feel like that's i don't know the
history of maple syrup
pretty white pretty white guys in flannel big hairy red beards not black not
black lumberjacks
not black i've never seen a black non-black not black
well i try to work on the the different trumps the uh the i'm waiting
fused me at first not like oh he's specifically saying lumberjacks not black
not black he missing
a word they're not not black there he doesn't use air i don't use any pronouns
i i refuse to use
pronouns they use pronouns now so i just don't do them don't like pronouns don't
do them don't don't do
he wouldn't even say that they don't say non-binary he no i don't i don't do it
so great sugar what were
you gonna say you were um that i i work on uh it's funny because how he's doing
like you know we talk
about impressions all the time and like what do people know them currently so
right now because he's
trying to show how not crazy he is so he's talking so much about sleepy joe he's
doing a lot of he's getting
very here because i think because i think when he comes off insane when he's at
a right this joke
never worked so why don't i burn it here yeah burn it here trump my impression
of trump was always
guy who didn't understand how a microphone worked yeah because obama would get
on stage and he would
be as charismatic as he was on stage as he was right here and then you and then
you see trump go
he goes i pissed on this woman i pissed on her and then he gets on stage he
goes i pissed on a woman
and you're like it's amplifying you bro he's like they it's if he was right to
go on somebody in his
ear goes the microphone went out you gotta yell you know a lot of uh i'm not
trying no shots fired here
who cares i'm just saying like stalin all those dictator guys they did the same
thing yes there was
always a guy in the front row of those rallies it was like the mic's on yeah i
can hear you yeah
but not him that's double loud it's so it's amplifying a loud voice it's you
know i'm not
gonna say it's true but it is double loud it's a double thing and he's already
no i mean i'm already
i'm right he's shouting speaking to the back i'm saying to the back of the room
i'm very good on
broadway i'm the ethel merman of broad of the republican party okay excuse me
elephant the musical
that excuse me excuse me something that my dad does that reminds me of how
trump talks yeah
is my dad i've said this a million but i want to see what it makes you think of
is my dad will go
like this is coconut water okay and there's something excuse me they're these
check-ins
that are power moves is what i'm saying 100 excuse me excuse me stopping this
is coconut this is
coconut water okay okay or believe me yeah just they're little um i don't want
to say they're
microaggressions but they're little advances they are if i was talking i just
kind of did it you know
what i mean like it's just like every exchange to a certain kind of person yeah
i'm actually not
saying this about my dad is a little battle and you want to be like excuse me
actually i wasn't done
but excuse me he cuts into your point yeah the thing is he likes to take what
you're saying and
move it a little bit because he's here's sort of like like him going like
excuse me that's that like
like let me step in here to correct yeah and so he has these little i mean i
don't think he gets
credit i think people sort of like a lot of times there's like a sweeping
generalization of just like
this loud pumpkin yeah but it's like loud pumpkin loud pumpkin that's my netflix
password go on there
add much love dogs to my queue i thought you were going to say that's a netflix
special that's my
netflix special pumpkin what's crazy is see what i'm trying to i do think
people love trump even the
people that hate trump absolutely yeah absolutely even when you're if he put
out loud pumpkin
i have a joke about him doing a netflix special right now no i'm by the way
anybody listening that
just cringe at that i understand there's the policy there's women's rights
there's body rights there's
environmental stuff there's real stuff and i'm saying on just an entertainment
level 100 and the
people that hate him i look i'll put it this way i think we unconsciously love
hating everything we
hate not just a politician everything we hate we can't like you know how like
you're like unconsciously
attracting a bad relationship or a small fender bender or something like there's
a part of you that's like
my life is boring wouldn't it be better if i was filling out insurance forms
and taking pictures of
a dent you know what i mean like stuff you don't want there's something in you
that goes like please
let him win i just want to yell about him you go in for coffee and you're just
like he's at it again
dude and you're so you're so happy you know what i mean yeah and you're happy
that okay i want to
be i think i've been clear i've cleared my throat enough on this point i'm just
saying i have a lot
of extreme left liberal friends that are like giddy in the eyes as they're like
they bring it up did you
see what he did i'm like you love just just i don't i'm with you it's horrible
but why it's almost
like a kink does that make sense yes it does and it's almost like we love we
love big personalities
in this country no matter what that's right and so we're attracted we made him
i was gonna say he's
one of us he's us he's not like a guy he came like he's not a godzilla excuse
me excuse me excuse
me yeah he's not a godzilla he's not the cloverfield that came out of the ocean
he we were like broken
bits of metal and then the t1000 came and was like hello hello i'm gonna get
schwarzenegger
i'm gonna get and when i say schwarzenegger i don't i don't pronounce the hard
r
he won't say he won't say the hard r all right you're he he our love of a fire
oh we our love of
a fire but think about all the villains like we love to like an anti-hero like
um yeah tony soprano or
yeah or uh walter white walter white yeah there is like something white great
guy great meth great
meth so i'm on it right now sorry bucket of chicken yum yum yum that's like him
as an anime character
bucket of chicken yum yum yum welcome back to trump bucket of chicken how we
this is his cooking
show space plan pen i just have to read the prompter they give me a hundred
million dollars don't you know
what he knows when he goes off the prompter you know what he goes we're gonna
do excuse me we're
gonna do things so great it's like there's not a prompter over there no you
know he stays on for
like two his speech writer he's getting he's getting paid to do nothing yeah
yeah because he ain't reading
none of those speeches which again is something that we can you were saying a
big personality yeah or like a
blind confidence we love it's a cowboy it's a cowboy it's tony stark it's
awesome tony start going like
this is my address coming yeah wait you can do it yeah he goes uh uh yes you
want to come and get me
or he goes they so the best weapon is one that you never have to fire i say it's
one you never
have to fire you only have to fire once yeah exactly like that's we're jizzing
in our jeans
and elon musk is another complicated kind of folk hero yes uh that but you see
i saw a cyber truck
today and i was like what the is like like like it looks mad max i saw a rock
it looks it looks mad max
looks like the video game specter from the early 90s it was like a or it looks
like roblox you know
it looks like polygons yeah it looks like playstation one yeah it looks like no
it looks like starfox
we've done it absolutely yeah like commodore or even like commodore 64. it's a
commodore 64. it's
so lo-fi that it's hi-fi yeah but you see it and i was walking to the store i
parked sometimes i get to
the store too early so i just walk up and down sunset and i always get a story
out of it oh a screaming
man just a screaming man last one i think i already i think i already told
excuse me was excuse me there
was a woman and i was just walking on the sidewalk and she was walking towards
me and then went excuse
you she said excuse you and it bothered me for a week because i was like i was
just you were looking
this is kind of what we're talking about looking you were looking for a problem
a hundred percent you
wanted to be mad at me yeah so you veered towards me there was plenty of room
this is what i'm saying the
i'm fucking we need young more than ever because we are jizzing in our genes we
have pornography what
do you want to see you can see it you'll jizz you'll this you can there's apps
you want this you want a
third you want to see the problem so they have something to complain about that's
what i'm saying
is like why wouldn't it be the same orgasms or sexual novelty is all covered by
the internet yeah
and so is your different flavo