Name: Jared Goldstein | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast
Uploaded: 2024-08-14T15:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jared Goldstein | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jared Goldstein | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-14. Transcript available.

Jared Goldstein | You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes #podcast

You made it weird. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird. You made
it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird.
What's happening, weirdos? This is the incredible, hilarious Jared Goldstein. I
hosted Jared's Just for Laughs R.I.P. to the Just for Laughs Festival in
Montreal, but before its untimely demise, I hosted Jared's Just for Laughs New
Faces, and he was incredible.
And hilarious. And then we saw him live. You should see this person. If you don't
know who Jared is, check him out on Instagram. It's heyjaredhey. So funny. He's
also the host of the Very Funny Podcast, On Which I Was a Guest. On Which I Was
a Guest. How formal. It's called Sorry What. So funny. I'm so glad you're here.
Check him out. Or if you're already a fan, get ready for a really fun
conversation.
Catching up and laughing together. Only a couple things to plug on my end. PeteHolmes.com
for all of these tickets. Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Milwaukee, and then Denver. I'm
also going to be at Largo. Go to Largo-LA.com if you are going to be in the Los
Angeles area.
My next show is on Friday, August 16th. Always so fun. Hope you can be there.
Largo-LA.com. And for the rest of those, PeteHolmes.com. All right, everybody,
let's enjoy Jared Goldstein together. All right? Get into it.
Is that cologne? Not that I know perfume jokes here. I've been watching your
stand-up, so I'm like ready to like kind of like gay roast you. I don't know.
No, but the same kind of sassitude you have for yourself. I'm like taking Lassen.
Take me down.
No, no, no.
I'm done.
But you're so funny about it. You're so funny about it. I do this with so many
guests. I'll binge their stuff. And then you're just coming in on a Monday
morning.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I mean? You're not in comedy mode per se.
I've been out for four hours, and I have been domed by the DMV already.
Tell me, what do you mean?
I just went there, and that's kind of your first mistake.
Appointment?
No, I like to just go when they open, because that feels like the only way to
claim any power, to be like, actually, I'm in charge, so I go when they open.
That is deadly funny. I love that. This is my choice, and you can also leave. I
feel like if you have an appointment, they have you.
You have an appointment.
Oh, 100%.
You have an appointment, but really, they have an appointment with you, and
then they can violate it. They can betray it.
Anything. And they still find a way. As soon as you walk up to the building,
they're like,
Why?
Because they're not, well, first of all, they're not fully open yet, so that
was the first thing.
Wait, you got that.
What?
This isn't a bit. Someone went,
Oh, no, fully.
Someone bill-birded you.
It was weird immediately.
So she brings a clip. She goes, I walk up to her, and then I was like, I'm here
to do a title transfer.
And then she was like, okay, what are you here to do?
And then, look, it's early. It's early. I'm tired, too.
And then she goes, oh, for a title transfer.
Oh, she got herself.
Yes.
So then she goes inside. She gets a clipboard for me and a thing. But she goes,
we don't have any pens.
Wait, she gave it to you and no pen?
Yeah. I have a form, and I have no pen. So I just turn to the guy behind me in
line, who, for no reason, looks exactly like me.
There are six people.
It's like being on an audition.
There are six people who look like me.
This guy looks, I'm like, this is, I'm in the twilight zone. It's like, I'm at
the DMV. There's no pen. The guy behind me looks exactly like me.
I ask him for a pen. He has to go to his car to get me a pen.
I'm going to need more details. Long hair?
Long hair. Asian. Fagaluna.
Simply queer.
I love that you were like, Pete wants me to say something like this.
Yeah.
I'm like, thank you.
No, no, that is so funny. That is so funny.
Yeah.
So he had a pen.
He goes to his car for me, and I'm like, we're all so close now.
He goes to his car.
Yes.
He goes to his car, he comes back, he gives me a pen. We get inside. Once we go
inside, she lets us in.
Truly like 30 seconds later, it's like, you could have just let us in, but we
had to do the song and the dance.
We get in, and she's like, because there's no one there, do you ever like, okay,
have you been to like an Erewhon when it's not busy?
And like, you can't tell. I'm sorry to just, I've been up since eight.
I'm still laughing at some of the things you said.
I'm like, I swear I'm going to let you talk on this podcast.
No, no, you don't have to. It's a day off. Please just talk for two hours.
Let me just scream into two ring lights.
I'm pre-dead, and I will be dead by the end of the story. I'm very sure.
Okay, this will be a minute, Tops. Maybe two.
Stop it. Stop it.
So if you walk into an Erewhon and there's no one there, it's kind of hard to
tell how the line works because it's not intuitive.
Speed degree.
Yeah. So it's like, when you walk into the DMV and there's no one there, it
feels backwards.
You feel like you should go to the right, but you actually are supposed to go
to the left.
And to get in line, you walk in, go deeper into the building, and then turn
around, and then you're in line.
I'm dead.
So that was confusing.
This is like customs, by the way. I'm totally with you. If you get to customs,
you're the first one there.
You're just like...
There's all these different corrals to enter.
Just the dividers, but there's just no...
There needs to be a shepherding dog.
Yes.
You know what I mean? There needs to be a great Pyrenees.
Or just like a big, big, big sign.
Yeah.
A big sign, just so people know.
Well, I'm not even trying to be funny. Both at customs and the DMV, you're
dealing with a lot of people that might...
English might not be their first language.
100%.
Or might be in French or whatever it might be.
Completely.
Please make it a big arrow.
Make it so obvious.
You're not condescending.
Put an arrow with a picture of a guy who looks confused or just a person.
Yes.
A head.
Literally anything.
Just a head.
Cardboard cutout.
One ear.
Yeah.
Anything at all.
Anything.
So basically, I'm standing to the left of the woman before me.
And the woman in charge, she goes, I need you to get in line.
And I think I'm in line.
Of course.
So she's like...
Who goes to the DMV to strut their renegade stuff?
I'm really not trying to reinvent this building.
That's what I'm saying.
You are there...
Although it needs one.
Yep.
Well, we'll close on how they could fix it.
Yes.
But you go there to play Pac-Man.
You go there to eat dots and maneuver around corners and avoid ghosts.
Yes.
Oh my God.
100%.
You're just there to play by the rules.
There's a lot of ghosts.
No one's going like, they'll come to me.
We all know.
You've won, DMV.
Yes.
You've won.
You broke us.
It's 749.
It's a toxic bat.
Yes.
I don't want this.
It's 749 and I'm here to play ball.
Yes.
And they're like, you're not in line.
That's because I don't know where the line is.
No, I don't know where it is.
I'm not here to like...
I'm not moonwalking.
No.
I'm not leaning on a jukebox with a toothpick.
I'm here to fill out your form.
Yes.
I'm here to submit.
That's it.
Help me submit.
Help me submit.
Help me submit.
But also they love the dom of it.
They really want you to sub.
No, I know.
They're like, you're a little piggy.
I know.
But why don't they love it?
Well, that's why.
I think there is a kink going on.
It might not be sexual, but there's definitely a bureaucratic kink that's
happening.
And a lot of, look, a lot of, is it state employees?
Is it like...
I don't, I'm not, I'm not an elected official.
That's none of my business.
I make you, that's the topic I have you weigh in as an authority on.
Yeah.
Who runs the DMV?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it's D.
Big DMV energy.
Yeah, D's in charge.
Yeah.
But when you go, what am I saying?
That I don't know what, I don't know where I am in line.
Yeah, but the kink of it is I think these employees are,
like overworked, they're tired, they're angry.
Yes, of course.
Sure.
All of that.
And then the way that it, almost like the way that an oyster makes a pearl.
Yeah.
There's a lot of like grit going in.
Or a Toyota Camry.
You know, you can make a lot of things.
Wait, an oyster makes a Toyota Camry?
For me it did.
That's all I got.
Love it.
Need it.
They, one of the perks, one of the unspoken perks is that you get too dumb or
like belittle
or like shame ordinary people all day.
Yeah.
And it might attract a certain kind of person that's like, here, I'm king.
And look, I deserve it.
Okay, if anyone's, you know, I deserve it.
I'm ready to be domed.
I don't know, I don't even know, I brought the wrong things.
I didn't bring a pen, thought I needed one, didn't think I needed one.
So it's, it's, this is, it's all what's coming for me.
Sure.
You know, I understand that.
Yeah.
But I also just don't physically know where to stand in line.
And there's the two of us and we're facing.
But isn't there a difference between someone who says, lick my boot, bitch.
And like, you just make a mistake.
Maybe so.
In the arrangement.
Maybe so.
Doesn't the fun.
Maybe so.
Go out when it's like not a pre-agreed upon.
Like, like if they're just suddenly going like, sorry, you need to.
I can't make up an example, but something funny here.
100%.
I would not be, I would not be my best self in her position either.
Yes.
But I'm, we're, we're, we're, we are standing facing her.
Our back is to the wall of the building.
We've just walked in.
And what she needs me to do is be in line behind the woman.
And I'm like, okay, I'm like, I think I'm in line.
So she's like, no, I need you behind her.
But behind her is a wall because she's facing the wall.
So then I literally, I'm so confused.
I literally just go like between her and the wall.
And I'm kind of smiling, like trying to like, help me out.
What's, what are we talking about?
By the way, that is like the revolutionary fist, like tattoo or flag.
It's always tattered.
That flag comes pre-tattered.
Yeah.
You just like stuck it to the man.
And the only, that's the only thing on the menu is mild.
Just mild.
Kind of like humor, a little sarcastic.
It's a little sarcastic, barely between her and the wall.
Between her and the wall.
And like the, what is the scenario?
You hope that they go like.
Something.
Yeah.
Like a little humanity.
Yeah.
And I also, I tell myself this all the time.
I can't be the first person to be confused by this.
There's a reason I'm confused.
I'm not the brightest.
No, no.
But there's a reason I'm confused.
Walk that back.
We can say we are reasonable.
Yes.
And reasonably intelligent.
Yes.
And we're confused by your fucking mishmash swastika line fucking system.
Eat shit, dude.
Come on.
And I mean fascist, not Hindu swastika.
Of course.
Of course.
And I know the difference.
The worst one.
For sure.
It's all context.
Yes.
Are you at a Hindu ceremony?
Relax.
Yeah.
Okay.
I feel so calm.
Is this for me?
That's for you.
That's amazing.
Shake it.
Okay.
If you drink it.
I will drink it.
It's a little munch.
Okay, basically, I get in line.
It all works out, but it just took a lot of, I felt like I was playing a board
game.
I didn't know the rules.
And by the time I got out of there.
It's a great analogy.
Yeah.
You don't have the top of the box?
No.
I spent a lot of money that I didn't think I was going to spend.
Here, I'm actually going to do it.
Oh, grab it.
I got it.
You keep telling the story.
Watch this.
What?
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Okay.
I thought you were going to keep telling, but-
This is the service I was hoping for at the DMV.
Well, don't forget, we're going to close this.
Yeah.
And I'm in no rush.
Okay.
No rush.
We're going to close this with the DMV of the future.
Oh, my God.
Like, how could they fix it?
I mean, it's a computer, right?
It's just a computer.
It's an app.
It's just an app.
You can do a lot online now, but-
I'm going to say doctors and the DMV.
Why every time do you go to the doctor, you fill out the same form?
Nine times?
Yeah.
How many?
And I forget the date on e