Name: The Surprising Side of Simon Rich | You Made It Weird
Uploaded: 2024-09-25T14:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Surprising Side of Simon Rich | You Made It Weird' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Surprising Side of Simon Rich | You Made It Weird' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-25. Transcript available.

The Surprising Side of Simon Rich | You Made It Weird

You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird. Yeah. You made it weird.
With Pete Holmes.
Yes, you did. You made it weird. Yeah. What's happening, weirdos? This is Simon
Rich,
and I am obsessed with Simon Rich. He's a writer. He created the show Man Seeking
Woman. He's also
been a writer on SNL. He also wrote two of my absolute favorite hilarious books
that you
absolutely for real, for real have to check out. The newest one is called Glory
Days. The audiobook
is read by John Mulaney. I tore through this book. It's hilarious. Not just
like funny. It's
hilarious. It's creative. It's inspiring. And if you're like me and listen to
podcasts and listen
to books, you need to get Glory Days now. Mulaney's performance is incredible,
and Simon's writing
is off the charts. So, so good. I'm also listening to New Teeth, which is
another book that he wrote,
and the audiobook is also an incredible performance. I'm all in on Simon Rich,
and I'm so glad that he
came on the pod to chat, and I'm so glad that you guys are here to check it out.
Not too much else to
talk. Just some tour dates. I'm going to be, I'm going to my own website right
now. I'm going to be in
Milwaukee, then Minneapolis, then Denver, then Raleigh, North Carolina, then
Indianapolis, and then
Portland. So there's lots of cities coming up, all of which are available on
PeteHolmes.com.
And in the meantime, listen to Glory Days. Listen to New Teeth. Check out
everything Simon's done,
Watchman Seeking Woman. He's incredible. I'm so glad you guys are here. Get
into it.
Do it. It's in an Ellen mind. Ellen mug. My friend Paige lives here, and I don't
know why she has
the same mug that I have, because I have that mug from the time I was on the
Ellen show.
What was that experience?
Why does she have the Ellen mug? Did she go to the, like, we should call her in
here.
We should find out, yeah.
When I saw it, is this narcissism? I was like, that must be my mug.
Sure.
I just went right to, like, oh, the same mug. It's probably my mug.
Probably, yeah. Makes sense. Absolutely.
We used to live here.
Yeah.
There's the mug I have from a, it's a TV show mug.
Yeah.
Okay, so I don't think that's self-centered.
Wow, it's be kind.
Be kind. I know.
You know, look, I'm not up on the Ellen Goss, but I know she had some issues
being kind. But
isn't it funny, I mean, this is not new ground. I'm really impressed. I'm
really taken with
you. I think you're incredibly talented. So I want to lob you topics that are
worthy, because
I really don't want to blow this opportunity. You don't do a lot of podcasts.
That's true.
I think you're so interesting and so funny.
Thank you.
So I want to, like, load you, I feel burdened, not burdened, but I feel obligated
to, like,
give you good stuff. But unfortunately, the first one I'm going to give you is,
have you
noticed the protest too much phenomenon? If someone's obsessed with telling
people to be
kind, they're usually having rage issues. If a pastor is telling you that gay
people are
the worst, they're probably seeing gay prostitutes. Like, what is it? It's so
darling about humans
that were so obvious that, like, if they protest too much, which by the way,
Willie Shakes made
that up.
It's true.
We didn't have that.
That's it.
People were like, "Ah, that person's saying a whole lot."
Absolutely.
Is what we had before. If we were really slick, we'd know what play that was
from.
Macbeth?
Uh, protest too much. The lady doth protest too much. I mean, she was
definitely a trickster,
Lady Macbeth. Could be her, but I should know this.
I thought it was like the, yeah, we should know this.
Yeah, I don't know.
Do you feel a Harvard pressure?
Do I feel a Harvard pressure?
Talk about Harvard pressure. I mean, that's a good place to start.
Uh, Harvard pressure. Um...
There's a Harvard pressure.
Oh, I guess a little, a little bit, I mean, my...
John Hawthorne, not John Hawthorne, Nathaniel Hawthorne went to Harvard.
Well, here's the thing about it, but a lot of really stupid people went to
Harvard too.
Did you know that, did you know that 100% basically of the judges for the Salem
witch trial
were Harvard professors?
Well, that's how I know that is I played in a, in Salem, Massachusetts.
Okay.
I was a reenactor.
Oh, great.
And I played a character named John Cook and we used to think it was so funny
because it was based on his true testimony.
Right.
And the first thing John Cook said was, "John Cook, Harvard College."
Yeah.
So like he was like stating his credentials.
Right.
So we, of course we leaned, it's not a comedy, but we leaned into the comedy.
It's hilarious.
And sometimes John Cook, because the audience could cross-examine us.
Yeah.
And when I was John Cook, I'm wearing my overcoat and stuff.
I would say Harvard College after every answer.
I would go like, "Nay, I did see her. It was her, not her specter.
John Cook, Harvard College, and I'd sit down.
These jokes only for us."
So even you're right.
Yeah.
So there's some knuckleheads.
Some of the dumbest people on earth go there.
But I mean, there's gotta be a baked in, or there should be a baked in humility
that like, we're always just the best of what we are.
You know what I mean?
Like at that time.
Oh yeah.
That was the best of what they are.
Absolutely.
This is why I think it's really darling.
I mentioned simulation theory earlier.
Yeah.
That computer scientists, thank God, or think reality is a computer scientist.
Right.
And there's something, sorry to keep saying darling, but there's something very
darling
about that.
It's like, oh, sweetheart.
Right.
Look, we're miracle-making mothers.
It's crazy what we can do, but we're doing exactly what the Salem witch trial
judges were
doing, which was assuming that the top of their culture at that time was kind
of where it was at.
Yeah, it's great.
I mean, the confidence of, also the confidence of just doctors back then.
Oh yeah.
Just like, they just walk into a village and they have their jar and they're
like pee in the jar.
Pee in the jar.
And they look at the, they look at the color.
Was that most of it?
Like opacity?
For like about a thousand years.
No.
Yeah.
Okay.
Midnight in Paris, Woody Allen scandal noted.
I love when he, remember Owen Wilson goes like, I just realized there's no Valium
here.
Like that's when like he wants to like go back to his time is cause there's no
antibiotics and
there's no Valium.
Yes.
It really, medical science really does put a damper on time travel.
There's this great medical treatise.
It's one of the only like documents that they have found.
That's like, here's, here's like an academic treatise for doctors to read, to
become better
doctors and you expect that it's going to be like, here's what a cold is.
And like, here's how you know when someone's allergic.
And it's just, here's how you convince them that you're a doctor.
It's like, definitely wear, yeah, definitely wear a robe.
Like, like, you know, like don't laugh.
Like, don't laugh.
Like when you're looking at the pee, like don't, don't be like, don't giggle.
Don't giggle.
Just be like, I'm a doc.
Say, say you're a doctor a lot.
I use the word doctor.
But how much of that is still.
That's like the only medical advice that they had for one another was to be a
doctor.
Appear like a doctor.
Appear as a doctor.
Yeah.
Appear as a doctor.
That was it.
I had an idea for a reality show called Fake In It.
I have no interest in actually doing this.
Yeah.
But you know, we would take you, would put you in a lab coat.
Sure.
And would let you do a physical.
Not, not touching and stuff.
But like, you know, explain to somebody who's having like a pretty basic thing.
Yeah.
And they would see five and then their job is to pick who was the fake.
That's great.
It's pretty fun.
Yeah.
I don't want to do it.
I mean, I think it's an excellent.
You do?
I really love it.
You do?
Yeah.
I think the higher stakes, the better, right?
Well, masseuse could be, I think I could give a very convincing.
I would do pilot.
Uh, neurosurgeon.
Are we in the?
Uh, homicide detective fireman.
Okay.
I'm not joking.
Resourced, well slept, caffeinated.
Uh, let's say I just got a piece of good news.
Sure.
So I'm like firing at 10 out of 10.
Yes.
I think I could do all of those.
You think so?
Except maybe neurosurgeon.
Catch me if you can, you could just walk in and bluff your way through it.
That's what's so fun about catch me if you can.
Yeah.
I think one of the reasons why we love, um, actors.
Yeah.
First of all, we know they're faking.
Right.
But look, George Clooney is a dentist.
Sure.
Like he's doing it and, and we love that.
So much of life is this performance model and we love people that like break
that and show
it back to us.
Yeah.
But I think you mentioned firefighter.
I think I could do firefighter.
What would your move be?
Be very still.
Sure.
Seem like I'm very like not thrown by anything.
Cause the flames are very fast moving.
Flames are fast.
So you can't, you can't.
Yeah.
Don't try to match the flames.
Don't compete with the flames.
Don't compete with the flames.
Yeah.
The flames are going to be the razzle dazzle.
That's it.
They're the straight man.
You're the background.
That's it.
Yes.
Yeah.
Just keep saying who's on first.
That's your job.
That's it.
Say that to the flames.
Let them be confused.
Right.
Let them sizzle.
But you know now I'm realizing I'm checking myself after I've wrecked myself.
I couldn't do it.
Like I wouldn't know.
Imagine looking at a burning house and knowing that's too burny.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Sure.
We can't go in.
It's too burny.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like what are you?
Yeah.
How can you be sure?
How do you measure that?
Yeah.
What if we look from the back?
Well, they probably look from the back.
They probably look from all over.
Maybe that's what they do.
They probably look from all.
They probably go around and look from all sides.
Maybe.
I catch you being very funny in that moment.
They probably do.
They probably do.
They probably go around the back.
That's probably.
Then the sides.
Yeah.
And then they go, it's too much.
That's also like a relatively recent job because for a long time it was all
volunteer everywhere.
And if you, if you go to like, uh, um, if you go to like, there's a museum, the
museum
of the city of New York, um, near central park on like a hundred street in New
York,
they have some like early volunteer fire trucks.
No.
Yeah.
It's just like some dudes were like, maybe we should do something about this.
They just like create it.
Fire is getting our number.
Yeah.
We should just like you and me.
We'll just like make a thing that would put like a bunch of water in it.
And maybe I'm really lit up today, but everything seems like a good idea.
That seems like a good idea for a movie or a show.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what that is?
No joke.
Yeah.
Full reality being dead serious.
That's ghostbusters.
That's true.
That's what ghostbusters is.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
I would bet.
Yeah.
A hundred dollars.
Yeah.
Who wrote it?
Not Harold Ramis.
Ramis, I think.
Ramis wrote it.
Okay.
So Harold Ramis maybe was like, I went to that museum.
Probably.
And it was like, I want to do a movie about how the fire was a problem, but
nobody,
there was nothing to do.
So these volunteers got together and they busted the fire.
Fire busters.
Yeah.
Probably.
Fires were so common.
But a great thing about the fire is after the, there's some, I think 17th
century London
fire that just decimated everything.
Yes.
And they were like, Oh, this is actually maybe good because like the city is so
confusing
and filthy and impossible to navigate.
And, and just like, there's so much plague all the time, just horrible.
So we'll just, yeah, we'll just like make it look like Paris.
And everyone's like, I want my exact terrible thing back.
And they, did they, they got it.
They rebuilt it exactly as it was.
Like they, in all of its illogical, like pestilential, you know, madness.
There's like someone's like, I want, like remember that sewer, that, that like
ope