Name: The Milk Carton Kids | You Made It Weird!
Uploaded: 2024-11-27T15:00:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Milk Carton Kids | You Made It Weird!' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Milk Carton Kids | You Made It Weird!' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-27. Transcript available.

The Milk Carton Kids | You Made It Weird!

You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird. You made it weird. With
Pete Holmes.
Yes, you did. You made it weird. What's happening, weirdos? This is a very,
very exciting episode
because it is, we've had Joey Ryan on the show before, but this is Kenneth Pattengale
and Joey
Ryan together for most of the episode. You'll see at the beginning, it's me and
Kenneth,
and then Joey joins late, which is quite funny, but they are the Milk Carton
Kids. One of my
favorite duos, but also just favorite groups of all time. Who cares if there's
two or five? They're
incredible. You got to listen to them. The Milk Carton Kids, one of the bands I've
never regretted
putting on and everybody is always like, who is this? I love this. Or they're
like, oh my God,
do you love the Milk Carton Kids? Because they're amazing and everyone loves
them. They have a new
album. It's called Christmas in a Minor Key. And I'm going to say it, thank God,
because we're
rolling into the holidays. If you're like our house, Christmas music starts
before Thanksgiving.
So I'm glad we have some new ones to mix it up. Christmas in a Minor Key. We're
going to listen
to a track. I think it'll just set the mood, give you a sense of how incredible
these people are.
Because not only are they hilarious and deeply interesting, but they also do
this.
Let's listen to What Child Is This? from Christmas in a Minor Key. Not the
whole song,
just a taste. Here's a taste.
All right, everybody. So glad you're here. This is the Milk Carton Kids. Oh
yeah, I guess I should say
I'm on the road. PeteHolmes.com. Yeah, I'll say that. PeteHolmes.com. I really
want to sell out
Portland because we're filming that for my next special. That's on December 20th.
I believe there's
tickets to the Late Show still. The night before, I'll be in Seattle. We also
have my Largo here in
Los Angeles on December 11th. Why am I going reverse? Indianapolis is on
December 5th. And then I'm also
going to be in Salt Lake City, coming back to you guys in January, and Phoenix,
Arizona. So go to
PeteHolmes.com for all of those. And go see The Milk Carton Kids also on the
road at TheMilkCartonKids.com.
All right, get into it. There's no harm in just walking down the driveway. I
feel like he's going to be on time
today because he has a child obligation on the back end of it. And he knows.
Yeah. Like I think he finally
growed up. He growed it? He growed it. We're in... Because Joey was perennially
late. We've been
together for 15 years now. Oh. He was a late? He's so late. He's got early face.
Oh. You have late face.
That's weird because we're the opposite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I know you, so
I actually would
consider you to be an early person. Oh, yeah. But you do have more of a laid
back vibe. And he has
sort of like, he looks like he's into Shakespeare. He looks like he loves the
Globe Theater and getting
there very early. But see, when I see Joey, though, it doesn't look like he
sought out Shakespeare. It's
that somebody brought Shakespeare around and he went... And then got interested.
I mean, he was too
inactive to seek it out. Definitely. Somebody brought Shakespeare to his doorstep.
And then
he's the guy that goes around, have you heard about this Bill Shakespeare guy?
He looks like
he belongs in a billowing shirt. I'll say that. Oh, yeah. Like if I came to his...
And he had
like the crisscrossing black string and it's open. Yeah. We wrote so many Joey
roast jokes when
he was on Crashing. I think my favorite was that he looked like a high-end
Japanese sex robot.
I love... There's something naughty about doing these without him here. Oh, it's
great.
It's great. Well, enjoy it. I do it on stage from time to time. You can have
that line if you want.
I mean, not that you need the help. Thank you. My favorite one that I ad-libbed,
I think,
in Nashville one time was that he looked like a pencil with hair. He does look
like a pencil.
There's a pencil quality. Sorry. I didn't laugh my full laugh because I was
also trying to think
of new ones. Yes. Full disclosure. He looks like what God would start with and
then make
it into a person. Like there's something kind of neutral and like, well, this
is, we're starting
with this, but we'll add stuff. Yeah. Yeah.
But they didn't. Yeah. It's kind of like a newt shape.
Newt. Yeah. Which is great because he's kind of a Fig Newton of a person.
Like if Joey were a cookie, original Fig Newton. True.
Right? Yeah.
Very good, but it's a fruit cookie.
Also an acquired taste. I love a Fig Newton, but they're very polarizing.
Yeah. People don't like them. I think if you liked Fig Newtons, you were a
hungry kid.
Now, hang on.
Because it's the sandwich of cookies.
Fair enough. If you end up in a discussion with a person who doesn't like a Fig
Newton.
Yeah.
It's true that 100% of the time you're going to try to tout the health benefits
of the Fig
Newton as well. Right?
I love this. I'm going to be honest with you. Oh, the high fiber content. Yeah.
I've never noticed or remembered that.
Well, I'm sorry that I spoiled it because I feel like if you did end up in this
situation,
you would actually discover it naturally. You would be grasping for so much
that you would then...
Scream fiber. Yes.
Or knowing me an hour after the debate. Fiber! And then I'd be like, God damn
it.
You would realize?
When we were kids, we were pooping huge massive fiber induced poops and we didn't
know what fiber was.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Like not to be weird, but I had a... I said out loud, best of my career this
morning.
Ah.
And then I was like, I traced it back to what I had been eating.
Sorry, everybody. I'm sorry.
But when I was a kid, that would happen. You'd have like an epic apocalyptic
and you'd have no guess.
Oh yeah.
No cause and effect.
Is this our longest career?
Is this our longest career?
The career you just referenced.
Oh, our poop career?
Yeah. Is that man and woman's longest career?
Yeah. Prostitution is not the oldest job.
It's been pooping.
And we all know you're either paid or penalized based on how it's going.
And it's not a zero sum game. Some days start and you're like, I am the king.
And some start where you're like, fuck, I'm in a meat suit and none of this has
any design.
And it's a mistake and I can't control myself.
It's a shame bath.
Is that everybody or is that just us?
It might just be us.
Well, you're a young face. You're a young facha.
42.
42. So we're similar.
45.
Yeah.
I think PEF, post 40, your interest in BM's goes through the roof.
Or down through the floor, really.
Yeah.
Sending it through the floor.
Absolutely.
But that's up in our vernacular.
Amazing. But I'd never thought of it. That is...
But that is the longest thing that we've been tied to.
The thing that has lorded over our lives.
You're so right.
It's the thing.
It's not like...
The funny thing would be like, well, I've been masturbating.
No, you haven't.
There were, for some people, decades, at least a decade where you weren't doing
that.
A significant portion of my life.
Hundreds of poops happened.
Oh.
Hundreds.
And right from the start.
And when you're little, squirt Play-Doh Fun Factory.
And it's someone else's problem.
That's the best part.
It's a consequence-free experience.
Absolutely.
I love that Joey's going to walk in now, it seems like.
And we're just talking poops.
Yes.
Go.
Well, no, it went blank.
Oh, so you had another Joey burn.
Yeah, yeah.
He does look like the man in front of the gate to the ethereal land of all
women.
You know what I mean?
He's the gatekeeper?
He's like in a toga.
Yeah.
We're on...
Kind of like a heaven scenario.
And it's like the Wonder Woman planet.
It's all these beautiful women in toga.
He doesn't go in.
Right.
But he's the man that greets you and tests your virtue to see if you get access.
And my question is, is it that he's not allowed in or just it didn't occur to
him?
I really am proud of this because he's definitely not allowed in.
And he definitely tries to downplay that that's the arranger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like he's like, I've been in.
I've been in there.
I've been in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's no big deal.
Yeah, yeah.
I just opted to help.
Right.
Yeah.
Don't talk to Sheila.
You guys thought it'd be funny to disable the doorbell and then start without
me?
The email's at Joey.
That was a fun hug.
I'm sorry.
I regret not getting up.
That's from you?
I regret not getting up.
But I did like a low...
I had a couple short people riffs and I dropped it.
I'm not going down for that.
You know what I mean?
I'm not going down for that.
You can't risk it.
Not...
It's not worth it.
That's the math you have to do these days.
You go, it's like if...
No.
You forecast what the laugh would be.
You assess the risk and you make a choice.
Yeah.
Do you know what I find most interesting about my friend and colleague and
partner?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm right here.
Yeah.
We did a lot of Joey riffs.
But they're all kind of about how you're attractive.
So you should feel good about it.
Even without saying it.
This is the thing I find most interesting.
Without teasing him.
Yeah.
There's no scenario in which he goes and listens to the first 10 minutes of
this show.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah.
That it opened a world of possibilities when I realized my parents would never
listen to this podcast.
Then I was like, oh my God, I can be free.
Let's not even talk about it.
I don't want to look directly at that deer in the woods, because it's a special
thing.
You want to be free.
You don't want to be thinking like, what would mother say?
That's literally what Freud would be like, that's keeping you back.
Oh, it is.
My mother listens.
Oh, she'll listen to this?
She does.
Yeah.
That's kind of sweet.
Yeah.
If she finds out about it.
Yeah.
She might not be in the information ecosystem to find out about it.
I don't want...
I can only hope.
I'll text her.
It's like a vague, I'm having sex with your mom kind of joke.
Like, I'll text her.
I don't like it.
I didn't like it.
I did those for years.
That was like one of your moves?
So much so that he had to have a word.
You pulled him aside?
We were in the van for 10 years, sitting next to each other.
I didn't need to pull him aside anyway.
We had plenty of time.
He was right there.
All the time in the world to kill?
And that's what that sounds about, right?
Telling Kenneth to stop insinuating.
How did you preach that?
What?
How did you preach that?
Hey, can you stop saying you're having sex with my mom?
Yeah.
I think I probably said something like, hey, I think that's over now.
Because I think I would do it in interviews and things.
Intercourse.
That's run its intercourse.
You'd do it in interviews.
Yeah, I would say it publicly.
Oh, I see.
That's true.
It made its way out in New York.
It made its way out of the van.
Me and Joey's mom, Debbie, we're very close.
We have a special relationship.
A special relationship.
I'm so excited to reprise.
It's been an embargo for so long.
If it's a request, you have to play it.
Yeah, you reopened the door.
This is not meta now.
It's not an excuse.
You can't.
It's still embargoed.
But I am kind of like my dog because you just cracked the door and I've got my
head in it.
Yes.
Wiggling.
It's my fault.
I did it, Joey.
Yeah.
But we did have a lot of riffs.
My favorite was that you're the man in front of the holy city of beautiful
women who lets other
people in or out.
And you're like the gatekeeper.
But you're not allowed in the city of beautiful women.
And you really downplay that.
I thought that was in your voice.
That's like your comedy.
You could make that very funny that people are like, do you ever go in there?
And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
It's just not, you know, I do my shift out here.
How long did you shift?
Eternity.
It's been all of time.
Thank you for going with that.
It has been.
Because that's a very long setup.
It's not a lot of fruit at the end of the Newton, if you know what I mean.
But you've got to, I respect