Name: Lisa Gilroy joins the show! | You Made It Weird!
Uploaded: 2025-01-29T15:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lisa Gilroy joins the show! | You Made It Weird!' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Lisa Gilroy joins the show! | You Made It Weird!' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-29. Transcript available.

Lisa Gilroy joins the show! | You Made It Weird!

You made it weird, you made it weird, yes you did, you made it weird, yeah, you
made it weird, with Pete Holmes, yes you did, you made it weird, yeah, boy oh
boy, what's happening weirdos, I say boy oh boy, usually I always say what's
happening first, but this time I said boy oh boy, because this is such a fun
episode, Lisa Gilroy is here, maybe you know her from Instant Pictogram or
TikTok, I don't know if that's around.
I'm recording this two weeks ahead of time, what's happened out there, but she's
hilarious and so, so funny, follow her on Instant Gram, the Lisa Gilroy, check
her out on Interior Chinatown, check her out on Twisted Metal, we talk about
that at the end, and she's legit, I'm gonna say she's legit, she's so funny, we
had such a fun and silly, silly time talking, and I'm so glad you guys are here,
not much to say up top other than enjoy, if you go to PeteHolmes.com, you'll
see my
tour dates, let's see, Phoenix, Arizona, LA, I got another show, we did a show
just this past week at Largo, and it was so emotional, with everything that's
going on, to do a fundraiser, and have people show up, Zach Galifianakis came
out and did a set, and the Sklar Brothers, it was just an amazing show, Nick Thune,
now I want to mention everybody, Mo Welch, it was such a fun show, and the
crowd was just there for it, it was emotional, it was a really, really
overwhelmingly positive experience and a beautiful experience and one that I
won't forget.
So we do that show monthly. So on PeteHolmes.com, you'll see the tickets. The
next one's February 15.
Then Vancouver, we just added a second show. Thank you to Canadian Weirdos
coming out.
Austin, Nashville, and Royal Oak, Michigan. All of those are on PeteHolmes.com.
Hope to see you
out there. Yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited for you guys to hear this one. And if
you're in
California, hope you're safe. Stay safe. Keep donating. Keep helping. And in
the meantime,
enjoy this chat with my new friend. I'm going to say it. My new friend, Lisa
Gilroy. Get into it.
Taste test. Taste test. Am I holding this right? Like an ice cream cone, you
damn improviser.
Out there in a black box asking for something that would fit on the stage. I
start real hot,
real aggressive. So mad at me. Came here with a vendetta. Hated me for years.
Well, what? You tried to kill me
when I got away that time in the parking lot. Oh, different riffs, different riffs,
different genres, different genres. Oh, you said genre with a hard G. Genre. I'm
genre.
Okay. My daughter has a book. It's called Grumpy Monkey. Neppo Baby.
Well, she would be. She wrote it. Let me guess. It's on the bestseller list.
Fucking Neppo Babies. That would be so great if my daughter,
that would be. Well, you said my daughter has a book.
As if you were like promoting. No. Barf City. But it's called Neppo Baby.
It's only a matter of time. Wow. Maybe. How would you feel about that?
If you had a baby, would you hook them up?
Well, my baby won't be a Neppo Baby. Why not? I'll be dead.
Oh, you'll die in childbirth. I'll be long dead. Yes.
I'll have like boiled water and you'll be wearing like a
A white nightgown covered in blood. Sweat. Yeah.
Feather bed. Bonnet.
Everyone's there for some reason.
Cold cloths on my forehead doing nothing. I'm hurtling towards death.
Oh my God! For most of human history, if you had a cold towel on your head.
You are goner. You're gone.
They're literally just doing it to prep you for, it's like, you know.
Out of ideas.
It's basically, they're doing your like open casket makeup.
They're like, let's get her cleaned up for the open casket.
Let's clean her now. Yeah. Clean her now.
That's dark. If they're like, they start putting makeup on you and you're like,
we just, you're going to be dead. You're like, no, I'm sick. I don't need
makeup.
Wait a minute.
Also. What kind of makeup is this?
Dead makeup, which is the best makeup.
If I was in a makeup situation, I'd say, give me the makeup you give dead
people.
I had a makeup artist once that I came to set and I was like,
oh, I feel like a dead girl. Like, I'm so excited to have makeup on.
And she was like, I used to be a mortician.
So that's not far off. And she said it's not that different.
Six feet under? Except they don't squirm.
Why do that?
Yeah, the body's down and you're doing it down.
Oh, I see. The body's down and you're doing it down.
That's the makeup brush. I thought you were kind of pointing like six feet
under.
I was like, I know where down is.
How many times have people recommended the show six feet under to me?
How many times to me? Lots.
Too many times.
I haven't seen it.
Yeah, beat it.
I think I tried to watch it though. It's on Netflix now.
Still not gonna.
I'm promoting it.
That's what you're here for?
Yeah.
Nepo baby. I don't know what it means.
That's when you realize I don't know what it means.
That would be a good, that's a Nepo baby whose parents are dead.
Six feet under.
If your parents are dead, what?
I guess what I'm trying to say is if I'm on a tour promoting Six Feet Under and
I'm a Nepo baby,
maybe my parents are dead. I don't know.
Because they made the show?
Because they're Six Feet Under.
Oh, I see. You're promoting them.
Are you a Nepo baby?
My parents are alive.
Oh, yeah. See, so now we've changed the meaning of Nepo baby to someone whose
parents are dead.
It's the new meaning. It's not orphan, it's Nepo baby.
I'd love to live my life.
Never correct me. Let me just believe that Nepo, it means a nepotism baby, a
baby that gets benefits
from like Ron, Rob, Rob Schneider's child is a Nepo baby.
Can you, can you say your name?
Do we know it?
Yeah, I know it.
Rob Schneider has a child?
Rob Schneider has a famous daughter.
Who?
You didn't even know.
Who?
Al King.
Al King?
Al King, the country singer.
Al King?
Okay, am I, am I crazy?
No, no, no.
Okay.
No, I'm out of the loop.
Okay.
This is the loop.
This is where the loop starts.
That really scared me for a second.
Al King sounds like a gang.
Okay, well, it's a woman.
And it's Rob Schneider's daughter?
Oh, I feel like I'm visiting you in a mental hospital or something.
Yeah, it is.
Could it be the one from Love Actually?
Oh, yeah.
And I, and you just can't.
Okay, go to Strike Me?
Yeah.
My darling, my darling, my darling.
My darling.
Like that.
I can do better.
No, my darling, my darling.
And I look a little bit like John Cusack.
Yes.
Yeah, a little bit like a heavy John Cusack.
And the guy that she wants to, that she missed out on fucking to take care of
her brother
is way too hot, I believe.
And he's also, he's King Leonidas from the movie 300.
Did you see that movie?
Okay, well, I just believe he's too hot for that role.
He's incredibly hot.
I'm not saying that Laura Linney is not so hot, but I'm saying like.
Love a Linney.
Love a Linney.
Love a Laura Linney.
Love a Laura Linney.
It's one of my security questions.
What do you love?
I love a Laura Linney.
You're in my chase.
That's in your passwords.
You're all up in my chase.
What do you love?
Love a Laura Linney.
It's if I forget my password.
Then it says, what do you love?
What do you love?
I love a Laura Linney.
That dude's way too hot.
Also.
They try to put him in wireframe glasses to be like, he works in an office.
It's like, we can tell he has the muscles of a millionaire.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's why I mentioned the movie 300.
Did you see 300?
This is Sparta and all that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The guy that really wants people to know where they are.
Where they are, yeah.
And then kick them into a well in the middle of town.
Is that a well?
I think it's the big pit designed for kicking people down.
Yeah, the kick pit.
The kick pit.
The kids smoke ciggies down by the kick pit.
Yeah.
And then King Leonidas occasionally.
Back in 89, smoking ciggies with other kids at the kick pit.
If you're from Sparta, you know.
If you know, you know.
The kick pit?
Flippin' kickflip, flippin' kickflips.
Flippin' kickflips.
Flippin' kickflips at the kick pit with Laura Linney.
Well.
Well.
Don't get stupid.
You ruined it.
Sorry.
What I'm saying is, if you remember that movie, there's like a guy who's, every
man is topless
and shimmering in that movie.
And one of them is the bad guy.
And he's the guy from Love Actually.
Oh, he's the bad guy.
He has like a million eyebrow rings, nip rings.
He looks like a, you know, like what Edward Scissorhands would masturbate to if
he could.
Like very freaky deaky.
Oh, that's interesting.
I think Edward Scissorhands masturbates to Winona Ryder.
Because she's the woman in that movie that he loves.
Because he's the woman that he loves.
Isn't that how masturbation works?
You think of the person you love the most and then you start to have an orgasm?
Unless you have Scissorhands and then you're kind of like, you're thinking of
Winona Ryder,
but she has like weed whackers for thumbs.
You know what I mean?
Something to bring it to your level.
And Edward Scissorhands might have like a knife or a penis.
And then he can masturbate all he wants.
He's just, the sparks are flying.
It's the movie Seven.
What's in the box?
Yeah, what's in the box gets all the headline, but the knife penis is the worst
part.
I don't know about knife penis.
You know about knife penis.
Tell me.
I'd rather not.
Someone gets a...
It's implied knife penis.
In fact, if you look at the rating, it says R for graphic language, violence,
and implied knife penis.
Are you saying a knife into a penis or a knife as a penis?
Knife as a penis.
A penis knife.
You know, sometimes my mom would microwave a hot dog and she'd cut a little,
slit down the middle so it wouldn't like pop or something.
Yeah, that was gross.
And imagine if that happened to your penis.
Well, yeah.
Imagine.
Do you think your penis is solid hot dog all the way through or it has blood
inside?
Or it has what?
Blood inside.
I think it's solid hot dog all the way through.
There's nothing in there.
When you find out that an erection is blood, how old were you?
Today years old?
I was today years old.
It's mostly blood.
It's so gross.
Yeah, but only when the blood comes in the tube and makes it a boner.
But if there's no blood in the tube, it's just hot dog.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's dry.
Yeah.
There's like an empty straw in there.
Yes.
And when it fills with blood, it gets boner.
And when it's not, it's just hot dog.
You could cut a slit down the middle and there would just be hot dog meat
inside.
Yeah.
We're all doing the best we can.
Yeah, we are.
Especially guys.
What do you mean?
Well, they're doing the best they can.
They're awesome.
With ding-dongs?
Yeah, men with penises are doing the best they can and I think crushing it.
With what they have?
Yeah.
Like marketing the ding-dong?
I just mean in general, men are awesome.
Oh.
Hot take.
Is it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I don't feel persecuted, but I feel like a lot of comedians are up
there going,
hard to be a man.
Hard to be a man.
You don't ever think it's hard to be a man?
Me?
Yeah.
I moonwalked here.
I know.
People kept handing me babies and puppies and coupons to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
When I saw you first out on the street and we had parked next to each other,
you were holding a jar and now I kind of need to know what was in the jar.
Oh, it was alpha brain.
That's pretty.
Men are being persecuted.
Alpha brain?
Well, it's just the name.
It's a vitamin?
It sounds tough is what I mean.
Alpha brain on it.
See, as an improviser, fan-heavy research light over here.
Okay, me too.
We told you.
Good.
We told you we were going to start at 415.
You know what I was going to do on those 15?
Some pretty heavy research.
Oh, on me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I asked if you wanted me to sit in the car.
No, I didn't.
I'm just being honest.
You know what I mean?
I'm just going to go.
Oh, this is fun for me.
Fan-heavy.
Because now I can tell you whatever I want.
Exactly.
You can Bob Dylan me.
I learned this from Wigglefoot.
You can do that.
Oh, how does it feel?
Whoa.
Whoa.
That's Bob Dyla