Name: The hilarious and unpredictable Harland Williams | You Made It Weird
Uploaded: 2025-04-30T14:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The hilarious and unpredictable Harland Williams | You Made It Weird' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The hilarious and unpredictable Harland Williams | You Made It Weird' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-30. Transcript available.

The hilarious and unpredictable Harland Williams | You Made It Weird

You made it weird. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird. You made
it weird. With Pete Holmes.
You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird.
What's happening, weirdos? This is the return of the incredible, hilarious,
warm, affable, kind, sweet, and hilarious Harland Williams.
Harland has his own podcast. It's called The Harland Highway.
I've been on many times, and the last time I did it, I was like, we just have
to do this on You Made It Weird.
It's just what we do. We get together. We riff. We're silly. He's stream of
consciousness.
Why am I telling you what he is? You're about to hear.
So I'm glad you're here, and please, please, please enjoy the incredible Harland
Williams.
The only thing I'm going to plug up top is my tour dates.
I goofed. I shouldn't have called this tour the PG-13 tour.
It is too dirty to call it the PG-13 tour.
I wouldn't say it's filthy, but it's not PG-13.
I also realized, why am I asking people to look at this, like, through that
lens, through, like, a critical lens?
Like, is he staying within the lines that he painted for himself?
That's not what comedy is to me.
This is just a normal Pete Holmes set, just like I've done for 20 years.
So go to PeteHolmes.com.
It is now called the Pete Here Now Tour.
I'm coming up on Toronto.
I can't wait for Toronto.
We have our show in Los Angeles.
Oh, sorry.
May 1st.
I'm here in Utah.
I'm going to be at Wise Guys just for one night.
If you saw me most recently in Utah, it's basically the same set.
But if you missed me last time I was in Utah, come see me on May 1st.
That's tomorrow, if you're hearing this the day it came out.
L.A. on May 24th, followed by Nashville, Irvine, San Jose, Houston, Royal Oak,
Michigan, Washington, D.C., Boston, St. Louis, Cleveland, Homestead,
Philadelphia.
Philadelphia is not a state, Pennsylvania, and Atlantic City, New Jersey.
We're also going to be announcing New York pretty soon.
So go to PeteHolmes.com and get tickets to the Pete Here Now Tour.
I hope to see you out there.
And in the meantime, enjoy my chat with the incomparable Harlan Williams.
Get into it.
Get in here, hard land.
Okay.
I'm going to drink.
Oh, always repping the pure leaf real brewed tea.
Yeah.
I've always known that about you, that you love lemon.
That's a lot of sugar.
If this has 150 calories, hard land.
Yep.
It has what?
A lot of sugar, bro.
Calories don't mean anything to me.
What do you mean?
Well, I'm from California.
Dude, this has 38 grams of sugar in it.
I'm from California.
Are you sure?
Because you're drinking Cleveland right now.
Well, the first three letters in calories is C-A-L.
Oh.
So it's an aneurysm for California.
I see an aneurysm?
Yeah.
And so it's, you know, when you callilafly a word.
Callilafly?
Yeah.
Calligraphy.
Calligraphy.
If you write California in calligraphy, it says calories.
Cal.
Cal.
So calories.
And Calvin and Hobbes is also an allegory for calories and carbohydrates.
And imaginary tigers.
Was he imaginary?
He was.
Or was Hobbes the only real one?
Hobbes was imaginary.
Hobbes was.
And it was actually, the tiger was real and that was his slave kid.
That's what I've always thought.
That Calvin was an indentured servant.
Or he was just a side meal.
Because sometimes tigers.
You want to keep a kid around.
Well, you want some meat.
Around.
Around.
And tigers.
The meat goes badly.
Well, they're predators.
They got to hunt.
And before refrigerators, the best way to keep meat fresh was to just have a
living child near you.
Befriend it.
Pretend your buddies.
Go on slides.
Buffet it.
Buffet it.
It's a walking buffet.
Filet the...
Butterfly it.
Like a shrimp.
Have you ever butterflied a kid like a shrimp?
You will.
You will?
You will.
I won't, but you certainly most will.
You must.
It's the most insulting thing.
You will.
You must.
You most you will.
Would you stop fondling my beverage?
I have to put that on my mouth.
I know.
And now your piano playing fingers are...
I am piano playing fingers.
Your Billy Joel piano playing fingers are all over the rim of my delicious
sugar-free tea.
I'm going to tell you the story of how this...
Get your greasy crab claws off my chair.
I can play this game, guy.
Look.
Here.
Here.
How about this?
Oh, no.
I was playing with a horseshoe crab earlier today.
Yeah, all right.
You're not wrong.
You're not wrong.
I'm trying to save you from those 38 hard grams.
Is that bad?
You don't like sugar, har?
Everyone likes sugar, har.
What are you...
You can't say your own name as a...
You don't like sugar, har.
It's not a way to talk.
You don't like sugar, hey, Pete?
That's the way.
My name, not your name.
But wait, you don't like the shugs?
I wouldn't drink that.
Why?
Because in an hour and a half, you're going to be depressed, angry, and irritable,
and you
won't even know why.
Not me.
You will.
Dude, I can drink a can of Coke and go right to bed and fall asleep immediately.
Oh, really?
You're one of those?
It doesn't affect me.
What are you...
The sugar and the caffeine?
Yeah.
So how do you get your...
They say cows have seven stomachs.
I had a sonogram about four weeks ago.
I think we have...
We're pretty much confirmed on that one.
Yeah, that's confirmed science.
That's cow stomach science.
It's not like Coke life.
But I have six kidneys and two livers.
I knew that about you.
And so this sugar just passes through me like Dolly Parton through a screen
door at a haunted
fun house.
Would you not spray on me, too?
I already got this.
I don't need the saliva to match the fingerprints.
Wait, does Dolly Parton go easily through a screen door?
It's like a forensic file.
It is.
There's so many fingerprints on this.
I don't know what to do.
Well, the guy that loaded it, or woman...
Oh, there he goes.
He did that.
There he goes.
With your little dill pickle grabbing fingers out of the jar, sucking.
Why do the dill pickles have to have the bumps on them, too?
Yeah, the little dick bumps.
They're like little warts.
Little ding-dong warts.
Yeah.
Yeah, ding-dong warts.
Because pickles are very promiscuous, and they don't wear protection.
I don't like it.
Yeah, nobody likes it.
They're already a nice, soft texture, but they give those little bumps.
Yeah, but you kind of like it.
Well, I just said I did it, so I think maybe there's a podcaster in this room
that's not
listening, and a huge part of podcasting is listening.
I think that people say what they don't mean a lot of the time.
You don't know when to talk and when to listen.
It's a fundamental question of reality is when people tell you something, do
they mean it?
Well, I love you.
I love you, too.
Cheers, God.
Thanks for coming on the show.
And who am I?
Har?
You're Har.
Yeah, Har.
You're Harland.
Har.
Did anyone ever call you Hardland?
Not Hardland.
I like it.
Yeah, I like it, too.
I got Harley Davidson.
I got Harley.
Harley?
Harley.
Just Harley.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Harley's cool.
You know what?
When I meet people, I often just say Harley because no one's heard Harland.
So every time they go, what?
What is it?
And I just go, oh, God.
So if I'm meeting someone I know I'm never going to see them again, like when
you meet
a rando at a party or, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's your name?
A single-use person.
Yeah, if I'm playing tennis and a new guy can, I'm never going to play with him.
Yeah, and Harley.
Harley.
And they go, yeah, like Harley Davidson, then they never forget it.
Well, that's a mnemonic.
Because I can't say Harland like Colonel Saunders because his name was Harland.
It's Colonel Harland Saunders.
But if I were named Harland, I'd say Harland, like Harland Williams.
You are the first Harland if you Google, as I did.
Oh, really?
You type in Harland.
You know Colonel Saunders is way more famous than me.
Well, that chicken is fucking delicious.
Right.
Full of sugar.
38 grams.
You know what I do?
I like to go in and the kids get mad at me.
The zit-faced, braces-wearing kids.
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Those voices are cracking.
Hey.
Hi.
Would you like some chicken?
Oh, it's chicken.
Would you like...
And they won't say breast.
Yeah.
Would you like...
They're too embarrassed.
Although I was in Bakersfield and one guy said, would you like some titty knockers?
Like he once said breast, but he called them titty knockers.
Hooter.
Hooters of chicken.
Yeah.
Would you like some chicken Hooters?
Yeah, this kid was jacked out.
That's what they call it.
Wait a minute.
Hooters.
Wait a minute.
What?
Is that why Hooters is called Hooters?
They serve wings, not breasts.
Hooters is called Hooters.
A couple problems with Hooters.
Hooters, yeah.
One, it's a leg forward restaurant.
A what?
It's a leg forward.
What's that mean?
I mean, all the waitresses, it seems like it's a leg outfit.
Like it's a leg featuring outfit.
Leg segwaying in the buttock cheek.
Yeah, yeah.
Into an orange...
Like a lower horizon.
Yes.
It's like somebody highlighted a butt with an orange highlighter.
Yeah.
And then like pantyhose.
Yeah.
They wear like pantyhose.
Nylons, I think they're called.
Nylons.
I know that because I used to be a bank robber, so...
I knew that about you.
You used to...
If you did rob a bank, how would you do it?
I know you.
You'd smooth talk.
You're going and going.
Harley like Davidson.
You get them laughing, and then you go,
I'm not going to pass you a note.
Just believe me when I say I mean business.
Give me the cash in the drawer.
Just another little podcast tip.
Yeah.
Next time when you ask me a question...
No, no, no.
Don't provide your answer.
No, no, no.
Let me answer.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Because that's not how I do it.
There's leading...
And I'm getting angry.
There's leading questions.
I'm already getting angry.
I've been here three minutes, and I'm getting angry.
And then there's questions where you take them all the way to the river,
and you make them drink.
Listen, Dollywood.
I'm going through a screen door.
I...
I'm a drive-thru guy.
There are banks around the country that have a drive-thru window.
And you can rob from that?
You can rob.
They're right at the drive-thru window.
You go, give me all the 20s, hundreds, clean denominations.
I feel like you can just close the door.
Close the...
And with curly fries.
Oh.
Yeah, you get a snack with your robber.
It's one of those Carl's Jrs.
Yeah.
It's all Chase Jrs.
Yeah.
Oh, tender tears.
Apparently, note passing is a very easy way to rob a bank.
But you only get the cash in the drawer.
Oh.
If you want the vault, that's when you have to jump over the glass.
You're going to have to take some hostages.
It's going to be gross.
Is it even a thing nowadays when we live in a world of credit cards and Apple
Pay and PayPal?
You really want to go into a bank and say, give me a big stack of paper money.
You don't even know what to do with it.
Yeah, you have to mail it to PayPal, Inc.
Yeah.
And be like, add this to my account.
Yeah.
Well, you're going to deposit it into another bank.
And how good do you feel about that?
Yeah.
You're like, banks aren't safe.
I just got this from a bank.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Way to bring it around.
Way to do a kind of a verbal donut.
It was a verb-do.
A verb-do.
Yeah.
Wow.
Which is where I get my Airbnbs.
Verbo.
Oh.
JK.
I use Airbnb.
JK?
JK.
Joking.
Just kidding.
Oh, just kidding.
Oh, so JK is just kidding, not joking.
Did you think it was joking?
Well, joking could be a verbalism for an aneurysm.
If you remove the vowels from joking, it's JK.
But what if it's JFK?
Is anybody laughing that a president took a shot to the head twice?
Is that funny?
Did they get them twice?
Twice.
There was one from behind, one from the front from the grassy knoll, and then
they just released
the JFK files, and apparently someone took a shot from a KFC.
So it was like a JFK, KFC type of arrangement.
And that's why Harland is more famous than you.
Bad Harland.
Yeah.
As Colonel Sanders.
The Colonel took a shot.
Which part of that was real, though?
They did have a...
Is it confirmed that there's a shot from the front?
Well, yeah.
If you look at the Zabr