Name: BATMAN KILLS?! | BADMAN
Uploaded: 2025-09-04T17:00:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN KILLS?! | BADMAN' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN KILLS?! | BADMAN' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-04. Transcript available.

You know, you'll never get out of here alive, Cobblepot.
Be quiet and wait your turn.
And me, Batman. You know you want to.
I don't kill.
He's not like you, Cobblepot.
Your stupid rule will be your downfall.
You know that, right, Batman?
I'm not a coward who hides behind a gun.
I would never take the life of another, for I am...
Batman, look out!
The Dark Knight.
The last remaining beacon of morality in the shadows of this town.
Wait, what? What was that?
What?
You just said you don't kill.
Yeah, I know.
It's like my one rule.
Yeah, Batman, why don't you look at the guy there?
He's asleep.
No, he's asleep.
Wait, what?
Oh, I see what's happening.
You guys don't know this.
But when criminals fight me, it's exhausting.
Because I'm good.
So they often have to nap afterwards.
Wait, wait.
You can't be...
You think they're sleeping.
Look at that poor little guy.
He's all tuckered out.
Oh, my God.
Do you...
Do you not know what death is?
I totally know what it is.
Don't be stupid.
Let's just...
Let's back it up a little bit to...
Talking about what hero I am.
Batman, you have to know what death...
I mean, your parents were shot and killed.
My parents were shot.
Yes.
But they're alive.
On a special farm.
Oh, boy.
They're on a farm.
They're on a special happy farm.
Where they make buttermilk.
They romp and play.
There's a hammock made of dreams.
Wow.
I can't even...
They write me emails.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
I don't understand what you find hard to believe.
Batman, look out!
How about any of that?
It's a very plausible situation.
Old rich people go to farms.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?
I'm the one you're after?
Yeah.
Wow!
See, this is what we're talking about.
What you just did.
You killed that guy.
Kamish, that head wound has got to be taking its toll
because you are making zero sense.
Now, Gordon, just let me try, okay?
Please.
Batman, what do you have on your wrists?
I'm not wearing hockey pads.
That's all right.
I know.
Listen, what are the metal, sharp, stabby things?
These are triangle blades to use against my foes.
Chew, chew!
Okay.
Thank you.
I broke your sword.
Compromise your footing.
I see water.
Unbelievable.
Good times.
Batman.
Now, if the metal triangle blade hits a flesh neck, what happens?
They go to sleep, just like me.
And then they wake up, just like me.
Usually with a boner.
I call it the bat signal.
No, they die.
There's no boners.
They don't get sleepy.
They die.
Wait.
But my fish, he went to sleep and we flushed him down the toilet.
He's in the ocean right now.
He's alive.
No, he's dead.
Dr. Fishy.
Dr. Fishy.
No!
You see, Batman, what you did to Dr. Fishy is what you've done to these men.
I overfed these men?
No, you killed them.
Oh, major game changer.
Before, I didn't understand, but now I got it.
We're on the same page.
Good.
You're saying if I go to sleep, I die.
No, oh my God, no.
Wow.
Well, it doesn't matter either way, because I'm about to give you a personal
lesson.
What happened to no guns?
This is a gun?
You're an idiot!
Shh!
Not too loud.
You'll wake him.
Thank you.