Name: BATMAN TOTALLY HAD S*X | BADMAN
Uploaded: 2025-09-25T17:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN TOTALLY HAD S*X | BADMAN' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN TOTALLY HAD S*X | BADMAN' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-25. Transcript available.

I broke you.
How have you come back?
You think you're the only one who can learn the strength to escape?
I did not escape.
The child of Ra's al Ghul made the climb.
But he is not the child of Ra's al Ghul.
I am.
What?
We're here.
Talia, al Ghul, here to finish my father's work.
But we totally had sex.
Yes, I know.
No, like, hardcore.
Three times.
It was all a cruel ploy to gain your confidence.
That was a cruel ploy?
Sign me up for another.
It was great.
When the mission is at hand, no act is off limits.
I agree.
Nothing was off limits.
It was like an all-you-can-fuck buffet.
Okay, Bruce.
That's enough.
Okay, let's get back on track.
You must be wondering how we came to this moment, Mr. Wayne.
Let me see if I recollect.
Some stuff happened.
You sucked my dick.
My father.
Like a lot.
My father never accepted Bane.
How was that, by the way?
Are you done?
I hadn't showered that day.
And I fight crime in a rubber suit.
Really seals in the flavor.
Oh, dude.
Jesus.
My father only saw a monster who could not be tamed.
You tamed my monster.
Okay, just shut up, okay?
With your mouth.
Stop!
And two other places.
Okay.
In an order that would surprise you.
Enough!
Ass mouth bad.
All right, that's it!
That is my love you're speaking to.
I am her protector.
That's ironic.
Because we didn't use any protection.
And I offered.
You motherfucker!
No, no, no, Bane.
It's fine.
These words will be his last.
Her last words were, spit in my mouth.
Okay, do you understand what's happening right now?
A bomb is about to blow up Gotham, and I've stabbed you.
I stabbed you first.
Okay.
With my dick.
I got it.
Just to clarify, guy who breathes through a crab,
it's not the first time one of us has shoved nine hard inches up into somebody's
ribs.
It wasn't nine inches.
Except when I did it to her, she loved it.
Enough!
Soon you will feel the fire of 12 million souls you failed.
So what you're saying is by touching that red spot in just the right way, there's
an explosion?
Exactly.
You get it.
You know I'm good at it.
I do the alphabet.
A is for Alfred.
B is for bats.
It's a clitoris.
I get it.
I get it.
You don't have to show me.
I found it.
I'm the world's greatest detective.
Give it.
Yes, how does it feel to have something hard penetrate your body?
Well, nothing.
I mean, I could think of like 10 off of that.
I'm sorry.
All sex jokes aside, I am losing quite a bit of blood.
You're an idiot.
All right, fuck this.
I'm just going to blow up Gotham now.
Goodbye, my love.
Wait.
Are you crying right now?
Jesus.
His face is all wet.
Like mine was at the beginning.
And he's back.
And yours was at the end.
Press the button.
You gave Gordon a way to block my signal.
No matter.
You bought yourself 11 minutes.
What you should buy yourself is another pair of panties.
I totally hid these from you when you were in the john.
That's so good.
That's a lot of memories.
Huh?
You want a little?
Which one of these tubes do you smell out of?
Now you have my permission to cry.
You want a little?