Name: BATMAN SAVES GOTHAM | BADMAN
Uploaded: 2025-10-02T19:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN SAVES GOTHAM | BADMAN' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BATMAN SAVES GOTHAM | BADMAN' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-02. Transcript available.

What are you doing?
A core explodes in two minutes.
I can fly it out over the bay.
You could've gone anywhere, but you came back here.
I told you.
I guess we're both suckers.
Shouldn't people know the hero who saved them?
A hero can be anyone.
Even a man doing something as simple as putting a coat
on a young boy's shoulders.
I may or may not have been that boy.
Oh, really?
A boy who, I don't know, maybe had just had his parents murdered.
Right.
Making me...
Oh, my God, you're Bruce Wayne.
You know, there's a bomb that's gonna go off.
Shh.
It's not who I am underneath.
But what you do that defines you.
It's what I do that defines me.
I forgot to mention.
No autopilot.
So I'm straight up sacrificing myself for my city.
Oh, that is so sad.
Oh, look at the time.
A relic for a masked vigilante whose name we don't even know.
Perhaps Bruce Wayne.
Oh, my God.
He hasn't left yet.
I told him.
That man, aren't you forgetting something really important?
Oh, right.
Selena, I forgot to give you the clean slate.
Look at that.
You already gave me the clean slate, so you can go.
The clean slate.
The ultimate tool for a master thief with a record.
I already know what it is.
The clean slate.
It wipes your record clean.
Clean at the clean slate.
Don't know about the clean slages.
Go!
Clean slate.
I forgot to do my stretches.
All right.
You're about to die, so you don't really need to stretch.
Okay.
It's a little morbid, but fair point.
I'm Ali.
One more thing.
I can't help but feel like our kiss was rushed.
What?
For our last kiss on Earth.
It's like a seven.
I feel like I should get another shot.
If she kisses you, will you leave?
Totally.
I'm sorry.
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Sorry.
It's been a while since a bat's been in the cave,
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, so you're not even a bat.
You're a pig.
Save the goddamn city!
Okay.
I'll go.
Drop the bomb in the bay.
The bay.
Where it won't hurt us all.
Good.
Thank you.
The bay.
Yep.
Sitting on the dock of the bay.
Please don't.
Watch in the tide.
Roll away.
Oh my god, we're gonna die.
You don't leave right now!
I'm gonna blow your brains out!
Okay.
Please go!
Okay, sorry.
Leave!
Please!
One last question.
What?
I'm gonna be dead.
Oh, fuck my face.
Can we trust him?
No, we can't trust him because he's two-faced and he's dead and you killed him
and Bane told him to just leave!
Fine.
Jesus louise it.
How does this thing even work?
It's new.
I'm still getting the hang of it.
Oh, there it is.
There's a button marked down.
Oh, one more thing.
Tell Alfred to suck it.
We're saved.
Andy got rid of the bomb.
Andy got rid of the bomb.
It's new.
It's new.
I'm still getting the hang of it.
Oh, there it is.
There's a button marked down.
Oh, one more thing.
Tell Alfred to suck it.
We're saved.
Andy got rid of the bomb.
Oh, what a hero.
Huh?
Hey, what are you doing for the next couple of months?
You want to go to the same cafe in Italy with me every day and wait for my butler?
Fuck this.
Thank you.