Name: The BEST MASSAGE Ever | Pete Holmes Stand Up
Uploaded: 2026-01-08T20:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The BEST MASSAGE Ever | Pete Holmes Stand Up' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-08. Transcript available. Pete Holmes tells a story about getting the BEST MASSAGE ever.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The BEST MASSAGE Ever | Pete Holmes Stand Up' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-08. Transcript available. Pete Holmes tells a story about getting the BEST MASSAGE ever.

I was doing this movie, and because I kept flying back and forth, I got very,
very tense.
And Natasha Leggero, another comedian, is in this movie as well.
She's great, right? I love her.
She got a massage at this massage place that was right by our apartment,
and I said, is it good? And she says, yes.
That's important for reasons that are forthcoming.
So I go in with the Natasha Leggero seal of approval.
This is a good massage. I go in, and right away, I kind of get a weird feeling.
The woman, I wouldn't say she's dressed sexy, but it's not unsexy.
And she was really pretty cavalier with whether or not my ass was covered by
the sheet.
I'm just letting you know, as a guy who's never been to a handjob palace,
what it's like to slowly put it together.
And one of the giveaways is, she's really letting my hams air out.
You know what I mean?
She doesn't, she knows what she's doing.
And here's the f***ing, I guess pun intended, the rub,
is that it was f***ing fantastic.
It was the best massage.
It was so good.
I'm sorry to say this, but I had gotten one at the Four Seasons three nights
earlier.
I was in a lot of pain.
Three nights earlier.
It was a hundred times better.
So I don't know if you do this, but during the massage, I'm rehearsing my
compliment for her.
And I couldn't wait to tell this $70 massage.
Seventy.
Four Seasons, 4X.
Do you understand?
I couldn't wait to say, this was a thousand times better than the Four Seasons.
You are talented, you are a gift, thank you.
But then my ass is out and I'm like, I don't know if we're going to be talking
afterwards.
But it's so good.
Then she kept like spreading my legs.
Just so you know my perspective in this story, I do not want a handjob.
Some of you might be like, oh, he got lucky.
I didn't get lucky.
I was in pain and I wanted relief from a masseuse.
You understand?
And she kept spreading.
She was doing a wishbone move.
And I was like, I think Huey Lewis and the News are both out right now.
Like she can, I don't know if she's looking.
I wouldn't.
But I think she was like, if she did, there it is in like a weird way where the
balls are the hero.
You know what I mean?
Suddenly the balls, finally the balls have their coup.
They have their day in court.
And they're the top layer.
And the dick is just kind of being suffocated by the big balls.
I'm just going to be real.
And she's spreading my nuts around.
And she's rubbing me and it feels so good.
And I start, because my hands keep being air dried, I start praying.
I don't mean to God.
Just like sending a vibe to her.
Please don't ruin this.
This is the best massage.
Don't say it.
So all I have in my repertoire is don't get an erection, which I got to be real
with you guys, was absolutely no fucking problem.
I'm the Elvis Presley of not getting erections.
Do you understand?
I have never in my life gotten an erection that I didn't give like a double key
turn executive order.
I've had sonograms.
I've had where they turn and cough.
Never have I been like, sorry about your eye.
I've never done that.
I go, it's not the time.
And my dick goes, you're the commander in chief.
So I said to my dick, Huey Lewis and the news, I said, stay down.
And it did.
And that was my communique to this woman.
Look at the flaccid no, the nonverbal no.
And I'm on my back at this point.
And it is soft, everybody.
It is like out at the swimming pool soft.
It is small.
It is micro.
It is sleeping.
And she keeps accidentally uncovering it.
And I'm kind of glad because I'm like, look how uninterested I am.
I have a compliment that I've rehearsed.
I can't wait to give it to you.
Please don't ruin this.
I will be back every day if you don't offer me a handjob.
Would throw the whole thing like a dream date.
And at the end of the date, they go, can I tell you about my Lord and Savior,
Jesus Christ?
That would be the handjob.
I don't want it.
I'm as soft as I can be.
She still goes, I'm not going to do her voice.
He says, you f***ing relax.
You can add it up here, though.
She goes, do you want me to do it here?
She didn't say all those words.
I'm aware that it's a troublesome situation.
But she goes, do you want here?
It wasn't even all of those.
She goes, you want?
You guys can't handle reality?
Am I saying all people speak this way?
This human woman, in her autonomy, said, you want.
And I said, no, thank you.
And she was so, she was fine.
She didn't give a s***.
And she just continued massaging me like she just hadn't offered sex work.
Listen, I don't want, that's not a happy ending to me.
A happy ending is, and the massage was firmer and lasted longer than expected.
The end.
It's not, and Pete made a choice in a tight spot and has to lie to his family.
Like, I don't want.
He was never the same since.
He loved it.
I guess this is my thing, he thought.
As he worried about his credit card information.
That's not a happy ending.
I don't want a hand job.
No.
Listen, I want a massage.
I can't massage myself.
Does that make sense?
Do the thing I can't do.
I can do that.
I have my 10,000 hours.
The same reason, when I do a movie, I want a female doing my makeup.
You just can't compete with the expertise that comes from doing it every day.
Do you understand?
When you think the big line is the makeup line.
You realize the bit ended 45 seconds ago.
Here's what I forgot to say.
Is I had the compliment planned.
I couldn't wait, especially now that I knew that she was giving, you know, that
was part
of her thing.
Even more, like Mr. Rogers, I wanted to be like, you don't have to do that.
Because that was 10 times better than the four seasons massage.
But she wasn't there.
I walked out.
I walked out.
I walked out.
She's gone.
And now I'm just talking to the madam?
And I, I, so I told her it was 70 Canadian dollars and I gave her 140 Canadian
dollars.
So I tipped so much because I wanted to be like, don't feel bad about asking.
But then I realized this just looks like, of course, if you tip a hundred
percent, that looks
like you loved your hand job.
There are all these guys in sweatpants in the waiting area, like class act.
Class act, bro, a hundred percent.
Here's another piece of the mystery.
When I walked in, a couple was leaving because I had hand job palace radar
going.
A couple was leaving and they looked delighted.
Is that, is that on the menu?
I don't want to know.