Name: Johnny Pemberton Gets Weird & Honest | You Made It Weird
Uploaded: 2026-02-11T15:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Johnny Pemberton Gets Weird & Honest | You Made It Weird' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Johnny Pemberton Gets Weird & Honest | You Made It Weird' from Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-11. Transcript available.

Johnny Pemberton Gets Weird & Honest | You Made It Weird

You made it weird, you made it weird, yes you did, you made it weird, yeah.
You made it weird, you made it weird, you made it weird, yes you did, you made
it weird, yeah.
What's happening weirdos? This is the return, return, the second return of one
of my favorite people, Johnny Pemberton.
Just a classic. And it's the first time he's been on a video, so we finally
have video of some wonderful, classic Johnny Pemberton moments,
which we had to cover because we recorded this episode on Martin Luther King Jr.
Day.
So that was a natural way in to, if you know it, you know it and you're about
to hear it.
So I'm so glad you're here. Follow Johnny on all his socials, he's on the road,
he's touring, go see him live,
go enjoy his splendor that you're about to enjoy here. Also PeteHolmes.com for
my tour dates.
We have Miami, Royal Oaks, Michigan, Irving, Texas, Madison, Wisconsin, and
Denver, Colorado.
That's it. In the meantime, as I always say, enjoy my chat with the wonderful
Johnny Pemberton.
Get into it.
Pembees, Jonathan Pemberton, Pembees, Jonathan Corduroy, Yellow Frame, iPhone,
Pembees.
Welcome to, uh, it's 1921.
Welcome to, it's 1921, the show where it's 1921. Oh, that's for you. All we
talk about is tuberculosis and how to get mold.
TB is bad, we hate it.
TB. Before there was TV, there was TB.
Was there an intersection of TB and TV?
I think TB was knocked out before TV was knocked in. And I say knocked in on
purpose. TV was knocked into our lives.
I love knocking into TV, smashing the TV in.
Oh, yeah.
Should I drink this? Do you already drink one?
You may. I already drank mine.
I'm going to drink one. I'm going to drink it.
Have you ever had it?
I have, yeah.
Yeah. Good for the improv. But it's not even that kind of thing.
But I only get it free in this situation.
Oh, you don't pay.
I mean, I could, but I just forget.
Also, I have so much crap.
Yeah.
I have so many, like, things, like, potions and doodads at the home that I don't
ever take advantage of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I understand.
I want to...
Wow.
Oh, wow.
Great flavor.
Beautiful flavor.
Great flavor, good life, good size.
That's a good size.
Great size.
Trying to be sincere, Robin Williams.
Wonderful, wonderful, good size.
Oh, huge penis. Wow.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
Look at the size of it.
Oh, good.
Tastes bad.
Oh, bad.
Has a bad taste.
Good taste.
Bad taste.
Oh, the balls.
The balls.
Small, small ones, small ones, small ones.
They're very, very small.
Big guy.
Big guy, little balls.
Big guy, little balls.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, Mr. President.
He's insulting Trump.
Oh, Mr. Trump, big balls, tiny balls, big man, rotund, like a ball.
Big ball man, ball dude, old guy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Kool-Aid man.
Oh, he's going to Kool-Aid man.
Yeah.
Kool-Aid man.
Kool-Aid man.
Did you watch the studio?
No.
Oh, it was good.
Okay.
You'll like it.
Should I watch it?
Would you and come back?
I need at least 14 hours, right, to watch it all?
No.
Is that how you feel overwhelmed?
Is it a mini-series?
It's a series.
It's not a mini-series.
Oh, it's a mini.
Fun size.
Wouldn't fun size be bigger?
A little bit fun.
What's fun about a small guy?
Small Snickers.
That was my nickname in high school.
Fun guy?
A fun size.
Not self, not given to me, obviously.
I mean, sorry, not a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because you can't have your own...
Your nickname is never...
You can do your own nickname.
You can, like, embrace what's called you, but you can't be like...
But you didn't endorse it.
No, I did not like it.
Fun size because...
Because I was very small.
Smaller than you are now.
Yeah.
Because this is not...
I've grown.
It's not a fun size man.
You're a regular man.
I know.
It's weird.
I'm a Charleston Chew.
You're like a Twix.
You're a Twick.
Twick.
You're one Twick.
I'm a Twike.
Are you...
Wait, but you're married.
You have your Twix.
I'm married.
Yeah, I have my Twix.
You're a full Twix now.
Yep.
Do you have a baby?
No baby?
No fun size.
No fun size.
I don't think I would call the baby fun size, though, if I had a baby.
No, because it's mean.
Yeah, I guess it can be.
Put him on blast.
Who started this?
Oh, I don't even know.
You know what?
The blast is not remembering who it is.
It's fine.
I did one time.
There was a guy who I think I was named.
I do remember right now, but I don't want to say it just because he called me
that in
the hallway, and I said to him, I said, I think I said, shut the fuck up.
No, really?
And he says, what did you just say to me?
No, I don't think I said, I don't think I said, shut the fuck up.
I think I said, fuck you and his name or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, probably Derek.
And he was like, what did you say to me?
And I said, you heard me, motherfucker.
You did not.
I did, and he says to me, and he looks, he's about to like kick, he was like, I
could kick
your ass.
I'm like, go ahead, do it.
And from that day forward, no one ever fucked with me at all.
You did prison rules?
Essentially, yeah, because he was an older guy.
I think I was a junior.
He was a senior.
Maybe I was a sophomore, and he was a senior.
And he said that to me, and he was definitely bigger than me.
I mean, everyone was bigger than me, the whole school pretty much, but I
definitely said
to him, I was like, yeah, he like stared me down.
Stare me down.
I just was like, do it.
What are you going to do?
Do it.
What are you going to do?
Because I think someone told me a long time ago, there's this thing where if
you're 18
years old, you can't fight someone who's under 18 because it could be
considered assault,
right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I think I kind of had that in the back of my mind.
A little legality.
That maybe he was going to not.
But also, you knew the great rule.
Right.
I still don't know it.
99.9% of people don't want to fight.
They do not.
They don't want to punch.
They don't want to tangle.
A kid.
Yeah.
Even at that, sophomore, senior, you're still like.
They're all scared.
Like, I think back on it.
Yeah, everyone's scared.
You know how we're all scared of high school kids?
Yeah.
They're scared, too.
I've started to now finally not be scared of them.
Because you know?
Because I feel like my friend was telling me how he met Drake May last year.
You know, the quarterback for the Patriots?
No.
He's a super famous guy right now.
He's an incredibly young guy, freshman or maybe second year quarterback for the
Patriots.
And he met him.
He was all nervous about it.
But he's meeting this guy and he's all like, oh, hey, how are you doing?
Nice to meet you, sir.
It's like, oh, yeah, this guy's 22 years old.
He's like a child, basically.
He's a college student.
You know what I mean?
There's something to be.
He can barely make eye contact and stuff.
He's great at football, but personal stuff to an actor who's twice his age.
We were just talking about this.
That generation, no shade.
But Katie, do you mind if I make the point?
Do it.
Blast it.
This is Katie's point.
Katie's like, we grew up.
Sorry to be old, but we grew up.
If I wanted to call my friend Johnny Pemberton, I'd call your house.
Right.
Your mom would answer.
To speak to Mrs. Pemberton.
Ask me about my life, and I just learned by force.
I had to.
Hi, Mrs. Pemberton.
Yeah.
No, our dog is fine.
He's actually.
But it made me learn how to fucking talk to people, and then if my aunt called
the house
and you answered.
Right.
That's 20 minutes.
Peter.
Oh, man.
Oh, hang on, Julie.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Because you have to be respectful.
You got to be like, uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll get my dad.
You had to talk.
Tell her.
Tell her.
Thank you.
Tell her.
Tell her.
Yes.
Yeah.
Thank you for the truck.
I love trucks.
Yeah.
The little truck is really great.
Thank you for the truck.
Yeah.
I know.
It's so much.
It's different.
It's definitely different than the last.
No.
I don't know.
Don't mention the last year's truck.
Yeah.
I've never had a truck before.
I love the truck.
You're the only person to give me a truck.
I love it.
Kiss me on the lips next time you see me.
Okay.
Kiss me on the lips next time you see me.
Kiss me on the lips next time you see me.
You had to.
Yeah.
My daughter, when we FaceTime with my parents, I'll go like, and this is sweet,
and she
does love my folks, but like she doesn't take requests if I go.
Oh, really?
Like if I'm pointing the phone at her, I go, maybe blow a kiss or I love you.
And she'll just be like, bye.
Very good natured.
But we grew up.
Yeah.
They were like, kiss me on the lips next time I see you was thrown at me as a
prompt.
I just was like, kiss me on the lips next time you see me.
There was also a lot of involuntary lip kissing.
I feel like maybe I had a different experience, but.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I've riffed my way into a weird hole.
What is the background of your family?
Weird hole.
Well, we're Scandinavian sex workers.
I'm the Scandinavian family sex workers.
Although, look, that's not entirely true.
I never kissed my aunt on the lips, but there was kissing, like cheek kissing.
Yeah, I got some of that, but it was always, you know, very good natured.
Of course it was good natured, but still, did you want it?
I don't think I thought anything of it.
It wasn't like doing the cartoons or like the TV shows where it's like, oh no,
Aunt Blutie
is going to give me too much kisses.
Aunt Blutie.
You know what I mean?
Like the slow motion.
Like grabbing the cheeks thing.
Yeah.
I didn't get any of that.
I always thought like, what are they talking about?
That doesn't happen to anybody.
Yeah, I understand.
I thought they were full of shit talking about that.
Can we go back to your fun-sized story?
Sure.
Because there's a lot there.
Want to unpack it?
Hold on.
Let's unpack it.
Take it off.
I keep dressing not for the weather.
It's so goddamn hot here, man.
I'm cold.
I did this thing for, I don't know, NBC something, NBC News something, and they
were like, what
do you want to do?
We want to do something novel with you.
And I was like, well, let's do an ice plunge, right?
And I like doing those.
Me too.
But me too.
Really?
Okay.
And we just stepped in shit.
Got one in the backyard.
Oh, me too.
I don't like an outdoor cold plungy pampies.
Didn't do it today though.
That's why I'm running hot.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, okay, so I keep mine at 50 now.
I used to keep it all the way down at 39.
It's too cold.
It's too cold.
It's too fucking cold.
It's too fucking cold.
It's so cold.
You get in there and it's just...
It hurts.
It hurts bad.
It hurts bad.
And guess what?
I gave it a quick goog.
Yeah.
The benefits are not...
It's not like, oh, if you're 39, the benefits are like 10X.
No.
Nope.
No, you're just a fucking dipshit with tiny balls and tiny balls.
Like Wim Hof.
Wim's got tiny nuts.
Little lentils.
Because she's always getting so cold.
They're just sucking up inside.
I do think it's funny that Wim, if you're hosting SNL, can I pitch you a sketch?
Yes.
You're a Wim Hof.
Okay.
Because Wim Hof does not always look great.
He's got the hair and he's like, hello, I'm Wim Hof.
And I'm like, you're telling me what to do?
Like, you really look like you lived outside for such a reason.
Yeah, he definitely has that disheveled...
You know what I mean?
He's disheveled.
He's disheveled.
I do not have a mirror.
There's no mirror.
You must smash all of the mirrors you have.
Do not look...
Do not regard...
It's unnatural to regard yourself.
Don't look God in the eye and you are God.
You're God.
How dare you look to him?
How dare you look to that which is God?
You're dead and you're destroying yourself with your own eye.
But he doesn't have the look of a guy that's like going to make it.
Yeah.
I guess, yeah, he's just got that thing where he's going to survive all the...
Elements.
He looks very weathered.
Super weathered.
He can't compete for any type of survival show.
They won't let him.
Yeah, they're right.
Just by look, we can't insure you.
Sir, I'm sorry, you're not eligible.
Yeah, yeah.
Because you're going to win.
Which is weird because he would win.
He would win and he's like, I will take the money