Name: Garry Shandling Admits He Lied To His Girlfriend | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-01T16:01:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Garry Shandling Admits He Lied To His Girlfriend | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Garry Shandling Admits He Lied To His Girlfriend | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Beginning June 13th in Toronto, my next guest embarks upon a seven-week tour
with Donna Summer.
A very funny man. Please welcome Mr. Gary Shandling.
Thank you. It's nice to be here. This is my first time. Thanks for having me,
David.
Thank you.
Okay. How many of you have never seen me before? Applaud. Just people who've
never seen me before.
How many have seen me before?
All right. This is a nice change. The happier group was the second group.
I get told I look like David Brenner and Jimmy Carter all the time. Is that
true?
Those are ugly people. Is that a true thing?
My looks have changed as I've gotten older. I was just talking to somebody
about this.
As you get older, particularly in the morning, you look horrible. Have you gone
through this yet?
It's like God comes in in the middle of the night and goes, we're just going to
mess you up for the morning.
Something happens. Have you guys ever gone to bed with a woman and you wake up
and she looks like Ed Sullivan?
Have you gone through that? And you're going, I've got to get out of here, you
know.
And she's going, come on back here, Gary. Take a mile. Take a mile there, Gary.
Come on back here.
I just broke up. I just broke up with my girlfriend because I lied to impress
her. Have you guys ever done this?
And then it always comes back at you. Jeez. When that space shuttle landed and
I wasn't on it, I couldn't face it.
And she was out there going, you sure there's no one else coming off?
I wish women would approach guys because we're easy. Aren't we guys? I mean,
sure, we're tramps, basically.
I mean, if a woman says, let's go back to my house for some fun, we're not
going to go, gee, I don't know.
I don't know. I'm retaining water and I don't know. I got a roommate. She's
retaining water.
But here's a fake phone number. Give me a call sometime.
I just, it's weird to hear a girl laugh when I'm not making love to her. That's
a weird thing.
Well, no one acts themselves on a first date. Isn't this true? The woman doesn't
eat a lot because she doesn't want the guy to think she's a pig.
Isn't this true? By the fifth date, she's got the dessert card hooked to the
back of the car.
Am I right? She's got like jeans that say U-Haul right across here.
And you know, what do you pull that thing with? So I'm driving her home.
All right. Now this is when I start to wonder if there's going to be any sex
and you know, if I'm going to be involved.
And, um, because I hate to be the one that sits out.
So, so, all right. So I get her back to my new house.
I sold my old house for $85,000 and my landlord was real upset about that.
So, uh, renting that house.
So, uh, all right.
Right. So, uh, here, all right. So, um, all right.
Uh, I'm on the couch. This is the parking lot here, right?
I'm on the couch. All right.
And I'm really getting into it. And, uh, she comes into the room.
And, um, you know, I'm, I'm 33. I need a head start, basically. I'm warming up.
This is like the on-deck circle to me.
I got a helmet. I put that cork under my eyes so glare doesn't throw me off.
So, yeah, I make love with my eyes open.
Women think that's weird, but it's because I don't trust women.
Because, you know, a lot of times I'll be making love to them, you know, and
they leave.
And, uh, I want to know.
So, uh, well, we spawned is the point.
And, uh, I call it spawning because that's what it's like when I do it.
It's, uh, it's not a pretty thing to see. It's a trout, like a, you know, I don't
know.
It's like a trout gasping for air, and I don't know. There's a crown or
something.
Uh, I think it went great. I don't know. I pass out right away.
But, uh, have you, uh, have, have you ever made love so good the next day you
have aftershocks?
It's like an earthquake. You're walking down the street the next day, and you
go, whoa!
I got a collar. You guys have been great. Thanks a lot.
You had an announcement you wanted to make about your travel arrangements?
Thanks, David.
First of all, I'm going to be in, uh, Indianapolis, uh, starting Wednesday at
Crackers, uh, nightclub.
Is that with a C or a K?
I don't know, uh, David. I think it ends in an S. I know that. It's Crackers.
And, uh, this is for Jim, the owner of the club. Uh, I will be, I feel like a
newsman right here.
I will be coming, Jim doesn't know when I'm coming in. Six o'clock Wednesday,
Jim, and this saves me a phone call, and I appreciate that.
Okay, sure.
Six o'clock tomorrow, Jim. But, TWA.
What will you be wearing? So, Jim, there's no screw-up here. We want Jim to...
I'll be wearing these fake lips, and, uh...
It's like, uh, Chick Hearn, if you look at the Lakers games, Chick Hearn will
always announce,
what flight the Lakers are coming home on, uh, so the, uh, wives and
girlfriends and family can rush out to the airport and meet them there.
All right, now, this is going to be a security problem, but as soon as you
touch down, you'll be mobbed.
I expect your folks to be there.
Mom will be there for sure.
All right, because I know you're from there.
Yeah.
There's going to be girls out there. Hopefully girls, if you're out there,
because they should come in to, and meet me at the plane, David.
Uh, now...
Are there girls in Indianapolis?
Oh, yeah, there's a lot.
Lovely women?
Oh, yes, Indianapolis. Have you ever been to Indianapolis?
Yeah.
That's a nice...
No, no, don't, don't, no.
I love Indianapolis.
I'm going to go see the time trials.
Yeah, that's fine.
That's basically sex for me, but I call them time trials, but I'm going to go
and see the time trials.
Yeah, well, that's a good weekend to go there.
Yeah.
Yeah, just stay away from the infield. That's nasty. It gets nasty.
Beer cans and chicken bones, and that's the subject.
And you actually just bought a new house, huh?
I bought a house. I bought, you know, you have a place in L.A. as well, but it's
so expensive out there,
so I moved out to Woodland Hills, which is out of the Valley, where the realtor
showed me a house.
I don't have stuff unpacked. I don't have a phone. I don't have a clock in my
bedroom. I dial the time.
Yeah.
Do you ever do this?
Not in a long time.
Well, you have a clock.
I have kind of a watch.
I envy you.
Kind of a watch?
Kind of a watch, yeah.
And it sort of tells the time.
Yeah.
I never remember the number for the time, but what I realize is if you wait
late enough at night,
you can dial any number and find out what time it is.
So you go, hello, how are you? It's 4.15 in the morning. Thank you. Thank you
very much.
It's 4.15.
Now, you go on at some extent there about the...
Relationships.
Thank you.
And is most of that true?
Well, yeah. I mean, you wouldn't lie about stuff like that.
All of my friends are getting divorced.
My friend's in their 30s, which is...
A friend of mine had a divorce party, and they showed the wedding films in
reverse
with the couples walking away from each other.
I would like to get married because you can be yourself.
I have a friend who's been...
When you get married, you can be yourself.
I have a friend who's been dating a girl for about three years,
finally getting married.
And I said, how come?
He said, I just can't hold my gas in any longer.
No, when you're single, you guys know, you can't do...
You know, when you get married, you go, listen to this, honey.
Come on in here.
Bring the kids, you know, and the neighbors come in.
Yeah, there'll be plenty of girls at the airport, Gary.
What are we doing?
We're going away, but don't you worry.
We'll be right back, folks.
Thank you.