Name: Billy Crystal Doesn't Like Watching His Uncle Eat | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-01T16:01:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Billy Crystal Doesn't Like Watching His Uncle Eat | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Billy Crystal Doesn't Like Watching His Uncle Eat | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

- My next guest is a very funny actor and comedian.
Television audiences remember him best from his role
on the television series, "Soap,"
and from his very own variety show
right here on this television network.
He opens on Wednesday night
at the Claridge Hotel in Atlantic City.
Would you please welcome Billy Crystal?
- Hi, Billy.
I can't believe I'm here with a hobby shop.
I'm very proud of you.
Thank you.
- Nice to see you, sir.
Thank you very much for being here.
You, of course, live on the other end of the country,
as we say. - Yeah, yeah.
- Los Angeles.
- I'm there now, about six years.
- And originally, you're from this part of the world, huh?
- Yeah, I'm from Long Beach, Long Island, originally.
- Now, you--
- What are you doing up so late?
- So when you come back here,
do you see friends and relatives and so forth?
- Yeah, this has been fun 'cause I'm here for about three weeks,
and I stayed with my mom, who I don't get to see a lot,
and my 82-year-old Uncle Louie was there.
- It's great to eat with this man.
Billy!
Who's on Merv?
Huh?
- I think, Dave, that there should be a law
that people who are well into their 80s,
when they eat, should not be allowed to talk.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- Because the mouth becomes a display case.
I don't wanna have to look at that.
They always seem to pick the right food,
to give me the sour cream.
So, Billy, anyway, I was saying to this guy,
"Look, if I go into the bank, what do I need to do that for?
$1,000 I get to toast him?
Huh?"
So, it's been...
- That's Uncle Louie, huh?
- He waddles around the house in a bathrobe.
It's like E.T., you know, it's all like this and around.
Phone home late, when it's less expensive.
Huh?
So, I'm glad to be out.
- But essentially, he's in pretty good health.
We don't wanna...
- He's a hip guy, he snorts me a lot, so we're okay.
- Now, I notice, is this possible that you're working,
of course it's possible, nightclubs, as opposed to...
- Concerts?
- Yeah.
- I've been doing both of them on this tour.
I've been out mostly with Melissa Manchester.
But "Atlantic City" is my first headlining thing in a grown-up room,
and I'm excited about it.
I like concerts better, I think.
I like 'em both, but I think concerts are nice,
because they're there to see you, it's more of a theater feeling.
You don't have to deal with food.
I think, no, dinner shows, you know, are like the worst,
especially if the food is on the plate when you come out.
Now, you're trying to work, and people are looking at you,
and food is a very personal thing.
And they're eating, and you feel like a television, you know?
And they're watching, uh-huh, okay.
And then if you catch 'em, I like to make eye contact with people,
and if you catch 'em eating, it's very embarrassing.
It's like, "Go ahead, you know, you can go."
- Yeah.
- So, I'm on stage once at this big hotel,
and this is a hazard of being, you know, of opening,
and a guy's eating, and I said something funny,
and he starts to laugh, and he starts to choke.
But it was one of those laughs where it's like
the beginning of Truth and Consequences,
where everybody thinks it's like,
"Oh, we got a Goonie laugher," you know, like,
"Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh."
So, the crowd's going, "That's where I look at him."
I said, "Are you a flipper?"
And the crowd laughed more.
Everything I said, this guy's turning blue,
so the audience is going even more.
I said, "You're choking."
Audience goes crazy.
The guy says, "You're right,"
and grabs him behind and gives him the Heinleck.
And this thing comes flying out of his mouth,
through the spotlight, shadow goes across my face.
So those, I think that's why I prefer concerts.
What exactly was it?
Were you able to run a make on it?
Did you identify what that was?
No, we sent it to Noguchi.
We had no, couldn't make anything about it.
Uh, now, it's been my experience.
I haven't done much of this,
enough to know I don't belong there,
but concerts also can be a little nasty,
when you get a lot of people.
Yeah, well, I never had that problem.
Well, that's not really the problem I had, either.
Yeah.
No, it's, you know, it's hard when you're opening,
and they're there for rock and roll,
and the audience has timed their drugs with a headliner.
You know?
And you go, "What the heck is he doing on it?
I'm peaking!"
Have you noticed, uh...
Twice.
That the little of this that I've done,
people are making a different noise now,
in response to whatever the performer does on stage.
Yeah, it used to be, um...
the sports, you know, the sports influence, the air horn.
That's always a lot of fun,
when you're doing a quiet piece of material,
and you're, "Ahhh!"
Or the guy who yells, "All right!"
You know, that's the guy who's, like, shirtless at a football,
Super Bowl, you know, in freezing cold weather,
and he's out there with...
But it's the, "All right!"
Which I think is a very New York thing,
very sports, you know, or sloppy.
Something sloppy.
Very Grateful Dead.
"All right!"
And, um...
It's only concerts.
You don't hear it at, like, poetry readings.
No.
No.
"I'd like to read Carl Sandburg's The Fog."
"All right!"
You don't get that.
Uh, you know, speaking of sports,
excuse me, and sports influences,
and we have Tommy John here tonight.
I know you wanted to play some, I guess, baseball, wasn't it?
Well, baseball, and I played with the Dallas Cowboys for four years.
You must be a New York Yankee fan being from this area.
Yeah.
I, boy, I used to live in a Yankee Stadium, used to go.
I like it, 'cause it smells like there's gonna be a game.
Yeah.
Or a rodeo.
I mean, it's one or the other.
Now, before we get into that,
now, you mentioned before you did at one time play for the Dallas Cowboys.
Well, just, I was a knee injury, so it's not quite the right thing.
I was a, uh, I played high school basketball and baseball a little bit in
college.
Uh, I was a big basketball player in high school.
So that was, uh, that was fun.
I was out in Long Island, and we, uh, came, someone scoffed.
Kind of a giggle up there, yeah.
We played, this is a funny story, I hope.
We played, um, Erasmus Hall High from Brooklyn.
Now, you have to understand that I grew up in Long Island.
In New York City, they played basketball.
In Long Island, they played basketball.
You know, it's different.
They were men, and we were 12 little Jewish kids with no body hair.
I mean, is the best way I could describe it.
Ugly thought that is.
Yeah, yeah.
We were very naive in the locker room before the game.
Does the jock go on our nose, or what?
I mean, we look like a surgical team here.
And, um, they were intimidating.
They pulled up at our, at our high school, and a Greyhound bus for the team.
Mm-hmm.
This is high school.
And another bus for the children of the team.
You know, it was like...
And so the third quarter comes, we're doing good.
We're down, like, 55 points.
And the coach turns to me and says something that really upset me,
which was, "Go in."
And I told him, "You're nuts, there's a game going on here."
You know?
You know?
And it's embarrassing, Dave, when you get to center court,
your friends are there, they're cheering, you try to look hip,
you know, and tough, and taller.
And you tuck in your jersey, and your number disappears.
You know?
So I went to that, and I get into a jump ball with this building.
You know?
This man has koala bears living on his legs.
Okay?
This is large.
And the ref throws up the ball, and I'm, I'm up to hearing this guy.
He later played pro, George Thompson.
He played with the Milwaukee Bucks for a while.
And everything was, like, in slow motion.
You know?
I could read the ball.
Void.
And I jumped up, closed my eyes, reached up.
Swap!
And he jumped, too.
So it was not to, yeah.
So I get thrown out of the game for an intentional foul,
and he's singing somewhere with the Vienna Boys Choir.
You know?
But I love sports.
I love sports.
You played, I was told today, you played, was it shortstop in high school?
Yeah, shortstop in second base.
And a pretty, a pretty good shortstop, a pretty good infielder.
Yeah.
I can pick it, as they say.
Pick it.
What does that mean?
Oh, I see.
I see.
And ever, any thoughts of going on to a professional baseball career?
I, you know, it's to everybody's fantasy, you know?
But when you see what's going on, you know, with certain things,
you don't want to get involved.
I'd rather play for fun.
Mm-hmm.
You know, and that's, and plus being five, six and a--
Like what?
What do you see that causes you to say that?
Well, no, I'm just, I'm, I'm just looking at Tommy John,
and it's terrible stuff that's happening, you know?
And I think he's great, and I'm sorry that it's happening.
I've never taken a stand before, ladies and gentlemen, on anything,
but Tommy's back there.
We've met just once, and I, I just wish him the best.
Oh, you're talking--
So you're, for folks not, maybe not aware of this,
around the country there was, but this happens every day with the Yankees,
so where somebody has words to or with the ownership
and management of the Yankees.
Yeah, it's much like my situation with NBC was, you know?
Speaking of that, are you doing, now you're out working clubs and stuff,
are you doing any more television, movies?
Well, there's, there's a couple of things, and I'm, you know,
it's one of those situations where you're right close to something
and you can't really discuss it.
I hope to be playing with Boston for the Pennant Drive in September.
Well, now you'll be, where were you going to be?
I'll be in Atlantic City.
Atlantic City.
Wednesday.
And this is, as you said, your first grown-up adult sort of booking?
Well, not headlining.
Headlining, headlining.
Oh, yeah, well, the heat's on now.
Yeah.
The heat is on.
Well, good luck to you, Bill.
Thanks, David.
Nice to see you again.
Thank you very much.
We'll be right back.
Billy Crystal, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.