Name: Elayne Boosler's First Stand-Up On "Late Night" | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-01T16:01:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elayne Boosler's First Stand-Up On "Late Night" | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elayne Boosler's First Stand-Up On "Late Night" | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Thank you, thank you, I'm real happy to be here.
I love this show and David said
I'll be in Atlantic City Friday.
I like going there, I think it's so fascinating
to watch people gamble.
I noticed that women seem to like the slot machines
a lot more than men do.
I don't know why, I think it's something
about being able to do this for an hour and a half
without having to say I love you.
Well, you know, it's hard doing comedy.
When you start out, you have to do a lot of different jobs
and I was a waitress for a while, I didn't like it at all.
I never liked when women would order through the man.
You know, he ordered, she wouldn't talk to you.
She wouldn't even look at you.
I used to put both plates down in front of the man.
The lady will have soup, the lady will have biscuits.
Are those ladies' biscuits?
Yes, up, lady, up, up.
Well, you know, it makes it seem
like there can only be one lady.
The lady will have coffee.
Okay, the slut will go get it.
When you work around food, you get very sensitive to it
and it's a problem for me 'cause I live alone
and with those expiration dates,
I have not beat a quart of milk to the deadline yet.
It's awful, I don't know, I like living alone
'cause you never have to clean up.
Well, it's true, I find things in the refrigerator,
I have to figure out what they used to be.
Last week, I was throwing out this lime
and I said, "I don't even buy limes,"
and I realized that used to be a head of lettuce.
It's fun, now you clean the kitchen floor
when you live alone, just walking there barefoot,
whatever sticks to your feet,
you take off, you throw away.
Make up your own rules when you live by yourself.
You could throw half a cake in the garbage
so you won't eat any more cake
when you wake up in the morning.
You could wake up and have breakfast
right out of the garbage.
Oh, I'm so glad I didn't take this
out to the big can last night.
Sometimes you get a little bonus,
"Oh, M&M's," and they stayed in the bag.
You think I'm disgusting?
Hey, look, I clean up sometimes.
You know, if company's coming,
"Oh, I'll wipe the lipstick off the milk container."
You ever do this when you're vacuuming,
you have to go for a match 50 times?
Then you pick it up and look at it,
but you don't throw it away.
You put it back, give the vacuum another chance.
I think I don't clean up,
but I mean, I do clean up a little.
I'll do laundry, and laundry's wonderful
when you live alone, it's real easy.
You know, 15 minutes before a date,
I wash out a pair of underwear,
put 'em on and dry 'em with a hair blower.
But I don't like clean up
'cause my mother cleaned up so much.
I mean, she was so proud of it.
You know, she would say things like,
"Look, you could eat off my floor."
You could eat off my floor, too.
There's thousands of things down here.
I'm not too good in the kitchen.
I take vitamins.
When they drop, they always roll under the refrigerator.
Everything you drop rolls under the refrigerator.
You could be in another room.
It'll find its way under there.
You don't clean under there.
Jimmy Hoffa's probably under refrigerator someplace.
I have five years of vitamins under my refrigerator.
Oh, I'll probably come home one night,
find a six-foot roach in Adidas,
saying, "I feel good."
I'm actually very happy
that I can afford my own apartment.
If you read the newspapers,
you know that there's a lot of people
sleeping in the streets these days.
Economy's not too good.
And New York, like every city,
it has its very good newspapers
and its very sleazy newspapers.
I was walking past Washington Square Park last night
and there was a shopping bag lady
sleeping on a bench, really shivering.
I felt awful.
I picked up a nearby newspaper.
I started to cover her with it
and she started to mumble.
And I couldn't hear her so I kept wrapping
the newspaper around her tighter
and she went like this.
And so I leaned down to hear what she was whispering
and she said, "Not the Post."
You know, the Post is a weird newspaper.
Front page today of the New York Times said,
"Congress debates Reagan budget."
Front page of the Post said,
"Bizarre ceremony, Brooklyn woman weds cheese Danish."
No shame, Reagan's budget is not working.
You know that if you're old, it's just too much.
Well, it was interesting that Stockman told us last year
the budget had no chance of working to begin with.
I think the next time President Reagan
is given a math problem,
he should be forced to show all work
on a separate piece of paper.
Aren't you glad the Reagans aren't Jewish?
Do you know what it would have cost
to buy Nancy two sets of those dishes?
Now all the conservatives in Congress
are trying to pass the Human Life Amendment.
Do you know what that amendment says?
It says an unborn fetus becomes a human being
as soon as the mother lights up a cigarette.
Why don't they just make birth control easier?
That would be wonderful.
There's no easy way, especially for women.
They're having a lot of trouble with IUDs now,
starting to pick up CB radio signals.
Middle of crowded supermarket, strangers here.
Come in, good buddy.
It's amazing, but people are breastfeeding everywhere now.
Woo!
I don't mind it, except if I'm in a restaurant
with my boyfriend and he sees somebody
breastfeeding at the next table,
he can never find anything that looks good
on the menu after that.
He always says, "I'll just have what he's having."
Elaine Moosler, have a seat.
Elaine Moosler, have a seat if you don't mind.
Oh, I don't mind.
Yeah, how you doing?
Good, how are you?
Fine, nice to see you.
Thank you, I love your show.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate you being here.
You're from this neck of the woods,
as they say when they mean neck of the woods.
Yeah, I grew up in New York, Brooklyn and Manhattan,
and I love it.
You started your career here?
Not right here.
I was, it's not too black from here.
Yeah, I started out when the improvisation
was owned by Bud Friedman,
and it was the improvisation in those days.
What is it now?
It's now the improvisation owned by someone else, and--
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, well, you know, you can fly in from the coast
for five hours and ask to go on for free,
and they will give you 12 minutes,
so I don't go there too much, but it's still a good club,
and there's lots of good acts there.
Yeah, was it from the beginning?
Is that what you wanted to be?
You mean when I was real little?
Yeah, when you were young, you wanted to be a comic?
I don't think any girl, like at five years old,
sees Dangerfield on this night show and says,
"That's it for me!"
You know, I think I basically got fired from everything else,
and then this was left, and I was singing.
I was a singer and a dancer, and then I just fell into this.
I was waitressing at the improv, the old improv.
The old improv, the one that Bud Friedman owned--
That used to own, yeah.
--not the one that Tom Carvell now owns.
It's a whole different operation there.
With the whale and Santa being the same mold, I know.
And you'd be in New Jersey Friday night?
Yeah, and Saturday and Sunday.
Great, I'm glad you were here.
Thank you.
Elaine Boosler, folks, we'll be right back.