Name: Ray Romano Makes Excuses to Get Out of the House | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-01T16:12:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ray Romano Makes Excuses to Get Out of the House | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ray Romano Makes Excuses to Get Out of the House | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Thank you.
Well, thank you. Wow.
Thank you again. Wow, you're too good, almost.
Good, I'm glad.
It's great to be back here in my hometown, New York.
I've been traveling, and the crowds aren't as good.
I was in--actually, I was in Montreal, Canada, last week.
Very--yeah. Uh-huh.
Beautiful city. I learned some French there.
They're all bilingual.
That's what amazed me. In Montreal, I went into a Burger King.
The Burger King employees are required to be bilingual.
Which--just think about that for a second, folks.
Have you--have you been to Burger King in New York?
Yeah, they're not even lingual here.
Oh.
It's a little different in New York.
You have to kind of draw your food here.
Hamburger. I'd like a hamburger.
Hamburger. I have to go.
To go. Gonna go.
Take it out. Here, I'll put little feet on my hamburger.
They're--they're bilingual.
I go there quite often, to Burger King's, McDonald's.
I have, uh, children. I have to take them somewhere.
I have, uh, yeah.
I have a three-year-old daughter
and twin two-year-old boys.
- -Wow.
-
Thank you. Single people are here.
- -
Single people are like, "Yay! Twins!"
Parents, uh, oh, that could have been us.
- -Oh, my God.
-
Oh.
I'll tell you, you know, it doesn't matter if you laugh or not.
I'm just happy to be out of the house right now.
I'll be honest with you.
I will be honest.
- -
You know, it's horrible. I make little excuses now
just to get out of my house for a few minutes.
I'll do anything. Anybody-- you need anything?
Anything at all? Anything?
Anything from the Motor Vehicle Bureau?
How 'bout that?
Can I register? Something?
It's on my way.
I'm going that way.
I'm just gonna go apply for jury duty.
That's all.
Let me out.
I have to leave my house just to make phone calls now.
You can't-- no one really wants to talk to you on the phone
when you got kids running around.
Every business call I try to make, I screw up eventually.
"Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, the 15th is fine.
I just need to know, where do you think you're going?"
"You're going with that cookie!"
"Put the cookie down!"
"Not you. Sorry. Sorry."
"I didn't mean to scare you. I--
"Oh, I didn't know you were eating a cookie."
"Take it easy."
"Click."
"Thank you."
"Thank you."
"Yeah. Wow."
"The hardest-- I'll tell you, the hardest thing to do now
is to try to sit down and write jokes,
because all I do is try to make them laugh all day.
That's what happens when you're a parent--
you're a comedian for them.
I can make them laugh.
I can make an infant laugh in a second.
I'll tell you, I'm losing my perspective on adult humor.
I wrote one new joke since my twins were born here.
Is this funny? What do you think it is?
"Hi." "Hi, everybody!"
"All right. Thank God. I'm glad. I'm glad you laughed.
If you didn't laugh at that, I would have had to come and rub my nose in your
bellies."
"Oh. Then forget it. The show runs late."
"Identical twins."
"I'm glad they're identical, because you save money on photographs. That's what
I like. Yeah. That's what I like.
Yeah. That's what I like. There's my little boy, and I got another one just
like it.
I don't have another picture.
People think--people always see identical twins, and they think they're cute.
Let's face it. Some babies aren't cute.
But if you have two that look alike, that's cute to everybody.
Well, I'll tell you what frightens me. That isn't going to apply when they
become adults.
I really--I hope they're handsome as adults, because even if they're slightly
ugly, that's going to be magnified.
That's going to--it will.
You know, if you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that's no big
deal.
But if you see the same ugliness right behind him, yeah, that you're going to
notice.
You will notice that.
And a three-year-old daughter. Let's not forget her.
Yeah, that's the age to be three. I'll tell you, I always thought if I could go
back in time, I'd want to be a teenager.
I'd go right to three. You don't get happier. You can't get happier than three.
I watch my daughter. It's incredible.
The other day, she's staring out the car window for 15 minutes, just smiling at
nothing.
Yeah. Oh, I can't get over it.
Finally, I turn. "Alexandra, what are you thinking of?"
Candy.
Candy, yeah. Well, think of--when was the last time you could daydream about
candy, folks?
Try that. Try it as an adult.
You can't.
You can't.
Give it a shot one time as an adult. You won't get far.
Oh, candy. Candy.
Cavities.
Oh. Dentist. No money.
Who am I? Why am I here? Am I gay?
We'll see you next time.