Name: Al Gore Talks Dave’s “Stiff” Jokes & Brings His Own Top Ten | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-01T16:14:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Al Gore Talks Dave’s “Stiff” Jokes & Brings His Own Top Ten | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Al Gore Talks Dave’s “Stiff” Jokes & Brings His Own Top Ten | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-01. Transcript available.

Okay, how about this one: "I'm so stiff, I went for a checkup and the doctors
declared me legally dead." Okay, listen to this one: "I'm so stiff, I went
hiking in
the woods and I almost got chopped down by a logger." You know, you know what,
I
think they were just sick of this "I'm so stiff" kind of deal. Now here's a
joke
that I liked, I heard it the other day: "What are the favorite words of
President
Clinton? What are his favorite words, what does he love to hear most all the
time?"
"Would you like fries with that?"
That's the President of the United States, you're talking about pinhead.
Oh, that's right.
I can't tell you how happy we are that you found time in the schedule and get
everybody up here and have this worked out for us. I really appreciate it. And
what do I call you? Do I call you Mr. Vice President? Do I call you Al? Do I
call
you, Mr. Gore? Do I call you, could I call you Senator, being formerly a
Senator? What?
Your adequacy is fine. I like to recycle jokes. Let me say, yeah, I was
happy to do that little piece at the beginning of the show. That little skit,
you
were very good, by the way. On the stiff, on the stiff jokes. And I don't mind
them,
you know, I collect them, they're fine. But... Really? But the line... You
collect them, eh? The line that you used
on one of your earlier shows about Jurassic Park.
That's right. Saying that Bill Clinton was calling Spielberg to see if he could
bring
me to life. That was really below the bill. I don't know. Really.
I think that probably was one of the other guys. I don't remember. I'm sure it
was. But
let me give you one that I think works out of my collection. How can you tell
Al Gore from
a room full of Secret Service agents? He's the stiff one.
Hey!
Wow! The Vice President gets rim shots. My... Pretty good, Al.
Let me, uh... Let me say one thing and then I have a follow-up question here.
Um... I've been acting this way all day. I don't know what the
problem is. It's the first gig. Yeah. Uh... And maybe I was... Maybe I was
spoiled by your predecessor.
But...
But as... As a taxpayer and as a man who tells jokes for a living, I'm not sure
I'm getting my money's worth out of you.
But it could be...
I feel like I've been giving it the office.
But did... Did, uh... Did we have the wrong impression of Dan Quayle? Is that
possible? You served with him in the Senate. What do you know of the guy?
And in the House. We used to play basketball together. We were good friends. I've
avoided piling on.
Yeah. But in your assessment, was it a misrepresentation? Just yes or no?
I didn't think... I didn't think he... I didn't... All told, seriously, I didn't
think he got a fair shake.
All right. All right.
Now, he didn't have a very good jump shot. I'll tell you that.
Oh, he couldn't... Oh, good. Yeah. Um... So, have you... Have you fixed the
government?
It certainly needs it. Yeah. Now, this was... Wasn't that the purpose of the
big study? Cut out the waste? Cut out the needless spending?
Yeah. Yeah. We took six months. We looked at what a lot of private companies
have done and taken a new approach, cutting costs, improving the quality.
We looked at what folks like John Sharp in Texas and the folks in Sunnyvale,
California, have done, and we're taking a completely different approach.
Mm-hmm. We found a lot of really ridiculous things that cost way too much money,
that need to be eliminated, we need to cut costs, and get a government that
works better and costs less.
Now, I was reading in the paper this morning, if some of these implementations
are followed...
What was that word? Implementation, I'm sorry.
I was reading in the paper this morning.
Ah, don't make me check your spelling, all right?
Okay. All right.
If some of these things are followed out, they said that the government could
save itself, could save ourselves, like 300 billion? Is that right?
We identified 108 billion in this report.
And, you know, it's not unusual for... Look at the automobile industry.
Ten years ago, if somebody had said, in 1993, our car companies were going to
be making the highest quality cars in the world, most people would have said
that can't be done.
Right. But they're really doing it with the same employees, the same unions,
taking a different approach.
We're trying to apply those lessons to the federal government, empower the
employees, measure the results and the performance instead of the inputs, and
empower them to be more flexible and creative.
Mm-hmm.
And we're convinced that it can really be done.
Yeah.
It'll take some time. A lot of it can be implemented right away, but we need to
cut the unnecessary spending and, and the wasteful practices.
How, how much did that study cost?
Nothing. We did it with, we did, one of the things that's different about it...
Oh, a couple hundred billion?
Just about 108 billion.
One of the things that's different about it is we did it, uh, completely with
federal employees, and just as these companies rely on their own employees, we
relied on federal employees, and it made a difference.
I brought some examples of some of the things that, uh, we found.
Mm-hmm. Um...
Stuff that needs to be done away with?
Yeah.
All right, I'll tell you what, let's, uh, pause for a commercial and, uh, do a
little taxing of our own, and, uh, we'll, we'll take a look at the item you
brought.
Look, it's me and the vice president.
Al Gore is here, Kim Basinger, and, uh, Chris Isaac.
All right, we have what looks like a little craft.
By the way, Clinton spends three weeks on Martha's Vineyard, then he goes to
Florida for Labor Day.
Well, when are you gonna get some time off?
I hope soon.
All right, what do we have here?
Okay, we, the government spends 200 billion dollars a year buying goods and
services.
One of the things we found was ashtrays, which they call ash receivers tobacco
desk type.
But this is a quality item.
Yeah, but, but this is a designer ashtray.
Because the taxpayers have paid lots of people to specify everything about this,
including the testing procedure, which has to be on a plank made out of maple
for some reason.
Now, this, this is not one of your jobs, is it?
This is, this, no.
Not, not until tonight.
I know you break ties in the Senate.
I didn't know about this.
Oh, I like that, I like that.
Thank you very much.
This is, this is, this is, this is, they actually specify the exact way people
have
to break this in order to test it.
And they, they have to count the number of pieces.
It can be no more than 35 pieces.
You have to use a, an expensive hammer, one of these things, safety goggles.
And I thought we would, uh, give it a try here.
All right.
I'll do it first.
Cool.
Yeah.
Now, we're supposed to, uh.
Now it's your turn.
All right.
I'm just a beginner.
You know, we're not doing this right.
Give me, give me the tool.
We're supposed to count all these and measure them with the ruler.
All right.
And, and how, how is this saving taxpayers money?
We, we haven't been able to find the answer to that question.
It's costing taxpayers a lot of money.
That's why we want to get rid of all this.
The testing procedure is what's costing them money.
The way we buy, the government buys stuff like this is crazy.
I guess I just don't understand politics.
Wow.
That's good.
Fantastic.
And this, this would make a lovely cutting board for your wife, Tipper.
Take that back to Tennessee.
That's right.
Now, the, the point is, why can't they just go down to the store and buy
something
instead of going through this kind of procedure, which costs a lot of money.
Now, is there any chance at all that, forget getting it done.
Forget implementing this deal.
Is there any chance at all we can make a dent in this huge glacier juggernaut,
uh, jugger, juggernaut,
that's, that has just, thank you, has built up and is just caving in on itself?
Yeah, we really can.
Uh, people are used to thinking nothing can change.
Uh-huh.
But the American people are really upset with the way it operates now.
It doesn't work.
It, it's extremely wasteful.
There's bipartisan support for getting rid of all these wasteful procedures,
cutting the wasteful spending and putting in a new approach that will make it
work better
and cost less.
We, we really can do it just as a lot of companies and a few local governments
have done it.
So let me get this straight.
What you're saying, the taxpayers at home can help out by busting their own ashtrays?
Yeah.
All right.
Very good, sir.
Uh, now I'm, I'm told that you, you brought something for us.
Yeah, yeah, I, I got a top 10 list, uh, of, from Washington, you know.
What is, what is, what's the, what's the category there?
The top 10 good things about being vice president.
Oh, man, you gotta, yeah, you gotta type that and everything.
You're gonna, you're gonna start there.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
Number 10, police escort gets you to the movies faster.
Number nine, you know that game, Tetherball?
Yeah.
I got to play Tetherball with the inventor of Tetherball.
Wow.
You're talking about Mr. Tether.
Mr. Tether.
Yeah.
Number eight, after they sign a bill, there's lots of free pens.
Number seven, if you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads,
President of the United States.
Very nice.
Number six, I get intellectual property rights to my speeches.
Number five, Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice
President's Week on Jeopardy.
I didn't, I didn't know they had.
I'm like, oh, that must be very popular.
Yeah.
Number four, you don't have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman Show.
Number three, you get to eat all the french fries the president can't get to.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, Mr. Big Shot, sure.
Number two, don't have to be a good speller to get the job.
Ah, okay.
And the number one good thing about being vice president,
Secret Service codename, Buttafuoco.
Yeah.