Name: Joe Theismann Takes The Quarterback Quiz, Gives Pee Wee Herman A Gift | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-13T18:51:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Theismann Takes The Quarterback Quiz, Gives Pee Wee Herman A Gift | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Theismann Takes The Quarterback Quiz, Gives Pee Wee Herman A Gift | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-13. Transcript available.

Fresh off a startling 51-7 victory, oh my, over the Los Angeles Rams, it's a
pleasure to welcome
one of the great quarterbacks, Joe Theismann. Joe!
How you doing?
I'm fine, but I've got to come back to Giant Stadium and play football next
year, so I won't say things like that.
Now, let me ask you about the Rams. What is the deal? 51-7.
We got lucky.
No, no, no. Are you in a situation like that, are you worried about running up
the score?
Did anybody come to you and say, look, it's 40-7, we don't need another 11
points, or it's 30-7, we don't need to go 21 more points?
No, not really. I'll tell you why.
We had an experience in the opening game of the season against the Dallas Cowboys
when the score was 23-3 at halftime.
We wound up losing that football game 31-30.
So we feel right now that no football game is beyond reach, unless, of course,
you get to 44-7 with four minutes to go, then you feel pretty comfortable.
44-7 with four to go?
Actually, it was 44-7 at the end of the third quarter.
So we really had things going on, I mean, that's an understatement, but we had
things going our way pretty much.
I guess you did.
Now, is it Sunday or Saturday you're playing?
Sunday we play.
Sunday you're playing the 49ers.
Right, we play the 49ers, yeah.
Now, now, you can leave.
Joe, why aren't you somewhere practicing or studying films or...
Well, I am.
I hope to get into television when I'm finished, but I thought I'd get a little
jump on it.
Well, not here.
No, no, no.
If you want to get into television, you'll have to go somewhere else.
Well, actually, this is our day off.
You get a day off.
We do get a day off.
Our normal work week really starts Sunday we play.
Monday we go through the films and have a light workout.
Tuesday is our day off, and then really our hard preparation starts Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday,
and then tapers off towards the end of the week, and then Sunday it's showtime.
Now, are you thinking, I know all football players say, no, no, we take one
game at a time,
but should you defeat the 49ers, there's a good chance that you're in the Super
Bowl against the Oakland,
or the Los Angeles Raiders, excuse me.
Well, Los Angeles has to get by Seattle, first of all, and they've already lost
to them twice.
Of the four or five losses that Los Angeles had this year, the Raiders,
two of them have been to Seattle, one to the Redskins.
And we really can't afford to look past the 49ers.
Yeah, I know, I know, but forget all of them.
No, no, wait a minute.
No, I'm serious.
But wouldn't you like to meet Mr. Plunkett in the Rose Bowl?
I really, in all honesty, I really don't care who is in the Super Bowl.
I just want to be lined up on one side of the sidelines, and I don't care who's
on the other side.
I really don't.
But don't you feel just a little bit of...
No, I know what you're going to say.
No, even though he did win the Heisman Trophy, I don't forget...
You know, I don't remember things like that.
I've put that away in my mind, the fact that I finished second in 1971.
I mean, I don't really dwell on things like that.
But seriously, did that bother you for a while?
It bothers me now.
It still bothers me a little bit.
I lost the Heisman Trophy.
You know, nobody likes to be number two.
I mean, you know, to say, to walk up and say, congratulations, I'll try harder
next time.
You know, when you're a senior in college, well, now they have five-year
programs, I guess you can be a senior a few times.
That's right.
But you never really get a second chance.
And it was something that, you know, at the time you say the right things.
Jeez, it's so wonderful to be considered a part of one or two of the finest
players in the baloney.
It breaks your heart.
It really does.
I mean, I congratulate Jim.
I think it was deserving.
He's a great quarterback.
But I would have liked to have won.
But you guys have both had remarkable careers.
It's been interesting for both of us.
Jim, you know, of course, started in New England and had tough times, then went
on and won a Super Bowl with the Raiders and then lost his job.
And now they're back on the road again.
It's been back and forth.
With mine, I started as a punt returner in the National Football League.
That's where I started.
Really?
See how we've gone?
Let's see.
Who's the highest paid quarterback in professional football today?
Not me.
Yeah, I know.
You're down there, aren't you?
Right now, I think it's, well, that's something we won't talk about.
How many years left do you have on your contract?
I have two remaining left on the present contract.
But the one thing that Mr. Cook, our owner, has said is that he and I will sit
down and discuss that at the end of the season.
And that's really that all needs to be said.
I think John Elway and Dan Fouts right now are the two highest paid in the
league.
About a million a year.
Who do you think is overpaid as a quarterback?
I don't think anybody's overpaid in football.
I don't think anybody.
No, I don't think anybody is overpaid in any business.
It's tough.
It's tough.
I think every business has got people that have a chance to make it.
All right, let me ask you a different one.
Who's the best quarterback in the league?
Is it you?
Excluding present company or?
Yeah.
No, I don't.
To say you're the best is something that I don't think I could say.
It's nice to have people come up to you and say, statistically, you've
accomplished a lot and you're the best.
But that's not for me to evaluate.
I think you have to take the position of quarterback and look at it in a lot of
different ways.
Two main ways to look at it is, number one, the group of guys that a
quarterback plays with.
The type of offense he's in and also, and really also, the type of system that
he plays in.
Is it conducive to his style?
Can he run?
Can he throw?
What happens?
There's so many things that go into it.
But it's not broadcasting you're going into, though, is it?
It's politics.
Oh, no.
No.
We've got some more time coming up here, and I want to see if you can explain
to us the play that Nebraska used last night in the Orange Bowl.
Oh, the guard around the man.
Yeah.
Can you show us that?
I think so.
Okay.
Welcome back to the show.
You know, Joe, in New York, that's a good way not to get the football back.
You all right, Jack?
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, cameraman.
This is a dangerous business.
Yeah, it is.
Now, Joe, let me ask you about, did you see the Orange Bowl last night?
Yes, I did.
Now, would you have gone for the two points or just played for the tie in that
situation?
Oh, no.
I think you'd have to go for two.
Yeah.
There's no doubt.
You know, you're fighting for your national championship life.
You have to go for two.
So it would have been, yeah, a tie won't get you the national championship?
A tie would have gotten him a national championship, but a tie would have
gotten him a national championship
under a lot of criticism.
You can recall the Notre Dame-Michigan State game back in 1966, I believe, when
Notre Dame
actually elected to go for a tie.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I hate to bring that up.
A little personal feelings there, but they went for a tie and wound up being
the national
champions.
It was a 10-10 tie, but there was a lot of controversy.
I mean, you know, Osborne was going to make sure nobody did.
Joe, I have here a copy of the book Quarterbacking by Joe Theismann,
introduction by Aira Parsegian.
Techniques, tactics, and tips on how to play the most important position on the
field.
And there you are right there.
All right.
I'm going to give you a little quiz here.
Oh, jeez.
This is right out of your book here.
What determines the amount of underwear worn in a game?
Weather.
That's right.
The weather condition at the game time determines the amount of underwear worn.
What do well-fitting pants do for a quarterback?
Get you underwear endorsements.
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, actually, it makes the pads fit very snug and tighten your pants.
It adds protection to legs and hips, but also gives a neat appearance.
Close.
And Joe, what are the two types of hip pads used today?
Outside and inside.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry, Joe.
You don't win the car.
You don't get the fryer pan.
It's strap-on and girdle types.
Right.
Yeah.
Quarterbacking with Joe Theismann.
Now, you can explain to us...
Thanks a lot.
You can explain to us the play that Nebraska used last night to score the first
touchdown.
All right, come over here and...
Could I be the center in this?
Sure.
Can I take this off?
Please do.
Thank you.
And who else do we need for this?
We need a right guard.
Paul, you want to be a right guard or Bill?
You're almost as big as...
You're almost as big...
Well, you're a little bit more like the guy who played right guard.
But how about me, though?
Well, you...
What would you say about that?
Do you want to be a center?
I'm going to go where you...
Oh, okay.
I'll tell you what.
How many downs are there in Canadian...
In American football, there's four.
In Canadian football, there's three.
Right.
Go ahead.
You want to be the center?
I'd love to be the center.
Very integral position.
All right.
Okay?
So we'll set the ball down.
Now, Bill, why don't you play right guard?
Paul, you play left guard.
Okay?
Now, what you're going to do, okay, is what happened on the play is...
Now, take this...
This is a trick play.
Take this professionally.
Okay?
Take this professionally.
I certainly will.
Bend over.
Wait.
My ring may be a little uncomfortable, but...
Let me just set this over here.
This has...
Foul 15 yards.
Nobody's allowed to leave here.
Oh, no.
I wouldn't.
This is New York, then, Joe.
Put that on this hand, then, okay?
Paperweight, that man had there?
Yeah, it's...
All right.
We've got to get going here.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
But it is now.
What happens is the center brought the ball...
Whoa!
I think I've done this far.
What's going to happen here...
Bill, you take a little...
Paul, you get down here.
Okay?
You're going to face this way.
All right?
Now, when I say hut, that means you bring the ball up.
I'll bring the ball up.
Okay.
Now, what's going to happen is I'm going to let the ball fall back to the
ground.
Okay.
You're going to go forward.
You're going to go forward.
And you're just going to pick the ball up and go to the left.
Right.
And I'm going to go to the right.
Yeah.
You'll roll this in the score.
But you'll pick the ball up on the way.
Watch out for the guy in the first row, Bill.
Ready?
Hut!
The ball goes back down.
You go this way.
And I fake like I have a ball.
Yeah.
This guy has dropped two of them, hasn't he?
Joe, nice to see you.
Good luck next week.
Nice to see you in the Super Bowl again.
Joe Feisler.
We'll be right back.
Joe.
That's it, folks.
We're out of time.
My thanks to Pee Wee Herman and I.
Joe, good luck to you.
Thank you very much.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Nice having you here, sir.
We'll see you in a minute, please.
Here, kid.
Thanks, Joe!
Thanks, Joe!
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.
We'll see you in the next one.