Name: Staff Favorite Moments: Hal Gurnee | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-15T12:47:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Hal Gurnee | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Hal Gurnee | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-15. Transcript available.

Let me just start by saying, "Hi, Dave. It's me, Tal."
We did one thing where we stopped people who were carrying packages
and asked them to show us what they had in their package.
How you doing?
What do you have in your bag here?
What I got in my bag.
What's in the bag?
Why, you want to ask me?
I'm just curious.
Clothes.
What kind of clothing?
You want to do both.
Oh, yeah? Can we take a look at it?
Show me the idea first.
I don't know where to come from here.
Joe Friday, Homicide.
Let's see the president.
We were in front of a furrier,
and the furrier had come out onto the street
and was standing next to me watching this.
And he said, "Who was that?"
And I said, "Well, that's Dave Letterman.
He's the host of the show."
And he's asking people questions about what they're carrying.
And then he looked and he says,
"From this, David Letterman makes a living?"
Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase.
That's right. I'm Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase.
Nice to see you. How are you?
I watched the picture with, um...
Did you... Let me ask you a question.
Did you enjoy Fletch?
Did you go see Fletch?
No, I didn't see Fletch.
I watched the National...
How about National Lampoon's European Vacation?
Did you enjoy that?
Not yet. I'm going to watch...
Oh, please go see that.
Please welcome Mr. Andy Kaufman.
We never could figure out what Andy Kaufman was.
He would come on.
He would say he's going to do this and do that,
and then of course do none of that.
And then he would also then not show up,
and a really terrible comedian would show up in his place.
But after a while we realized he was the comedian.
There was some discussion at that time
that you in fact were Andy Kaufman,
and that there is no Tony Clifton other...
I don't know anything about that.
I'm not talking about...
Kaufman's been using my name to get places.
And, uh, so there is no truth to the rumor
that you're actually Andy Kaufman.
There's no truth to that rumor whatsoever.
You look like you're kind of a health nut.
Do you work out?
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Thank you for that.
Lawler came on,
and he was talking about Andy Kaufman.
in very derogative ways.
I could have sued you for everything you're worth,
and I didn't because I'm not that kind of a guy.
Yeah.
You know what, uh...
What kind of a guy are you?
You're not the kind of guy here.
I'll just be over here.
We're going to applause here for station identification,
get the hoses out here.
I looked at the tape afterwards.
It's interesting.
We realized that when Andy Kaufman came in
to sit in his chair,
he adjusted the chair closer to the edge of the platform,
and we figured that he knew they had worked this out before,
and he wanted to make sure the chair was in the right position
so he would fall.
So they were professionals.
They knew what they were doing.
But you, you're a...
A...
A...
A...
A...
A...
I think you can use some of those words on TV.
I'm not...
But what you can't do is throw coffee.
I've said it over and over again.
We would have meetings almost every morning in Dave's office.
I would generally button them up like this in the wintertime.
And then one day I came in, it was now first day of summer, and I had unbuttoned
it, and
it was open.
And then Dave, he says, "It's the top button's unbuttoned.
What happened?"
And I said, "It's summer, Dave."
That's what I do.
I unbuttoned that top button, and I can get through the summer that way.
And he insisted on my doing that on the air.
And people still remember that.
How stupid can we be?
Hi, Hal.
Hi, Dave.
How are you?
Fine, thank you.
Now, Hal, as I understand it, this is how you kick off the spring and summer
season.
You do this every year.
Every year.
It's sort of a ceremony.
It's sort of a tradition.
That's right.
You look forward to something I look forward to, and what exactly is it?
Well, Dave, all I do is unbutton the second button.
You unbutton the second button.
Yeah.
Anton, drumroll, please.
A drumroll.
One of the writers came out with the idea, every year, to do a film festival.
Hollywood people come out with their little eight, nine-minute films, and we
felt we had
to do our own film.
The writers thought it would be funny if Dave fell in love with my wife.
It looked like another boring Friday night.
For months, Paul had been trying to set me up with the right girl.
I never dreamed that tonight, she would walk into my life.
A party for Schaefer?
Hi, Wendy.
Oh, hi, Paul.
Sorry, we're late.
Oh, I just got here.
Listen, Dave.
Dave.
Uh...
Wendy, this is Dave.
And, uh...
Hi, David.
This is Wendy.
Hey, it's Hal.
Actually, I wonder what he's doing here.
Who's Hal?
Oh, that's Hal Gurney.
He's the director of the show.
And one of Dave's closest friends.
Come on.
Hi, Hal.
Having dinner alone?
Hi, Dave.
Actually, I'm waiting for my wife.
It's our 25th wedding anniversary.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
You know, uh...
I don't think I ever met Mrs. Hal Gurney.
Really?
No.
Here she is now.
What a knockout.
My feet are to me.
Who met this place?
Dear, I don't think you've ever met Dave.
No, I don't think you've ever met.
Hello.
A perfect woman.
Nobly planned.
To warm.
To comfort.
And command.
What was that, Dave?
Wordsworth.
Ode to a woman with a rose.
Oh, you must be interested in flowers.
Has Hal talked to you about our garden?
Uh, no, he hasn't.
Uh, let me join you for dinner and...
And you can tell me about the garden.
But Dave, what about Paul and your friend?
Shut up, Hal.
Aphids, red spiders, Japanese beetles, slugs.
We had them all.
The slugs got into the corn.
Not the golden bantam, but the buttered corn.
The corn turned out fine, though.
But you know what I'm proudest of?
My tomatoes.
Oh, please, please, tell me about the tomatoes.
Dave's really interested in this gardening, isn't it?
I've never seen them this way before.
Beautifully.
Well, the tomatoes came in bigger this year than ever before,
and there wasn't a single slug on them.
The only problem is I had to give most of them away
because my husband won't eat anything with tomatoes in it.
Your husband?
Yes, Hal.
Oh.
Right.
Hal says he can't eat tomatoes because of his sensitive stomach,
but I think he just doesn't like my cooking.
Doesn't like your cooking?
Doesn't like your cooking?
And you, Hal Gurney!
I'd better go talk to him.
Waiter?
Dave, what has gotten into you?
What's the matter with you?
Are you blind?
Hal is no good for that woman.
I love her.
Love her?
She's already married to Hal.
They've been married 25 years.
To me, they look pretty happy.
Oh, yeah?
Well, Hal Gurney does not have a monopoly on happiness.
I want my share.
And I'll tell you something else.
I don't care what it takes.
I'm gonna make that woman mine.
I have consent to be joined by Doc.
I have acknowledged your consent before us.
Now, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the laws of the state of New
York, I pronounce you man or wife.
You may kiss the bride.
All right!
I did it!
I married Mrs. Hal Gurney.
Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
But at what cost?
By stealing Hal's wife, you have alienated everyone on the show.
Why do you think that nobody came to your wedding?
Paul, that's not true.
Look, here's Biff Henderson, one of her stage managers.
Hi, Biff.
Hey.
Here's a little gift from everyone on the crew.
Oh!
Look, I don't care what you people think.
For once in my life, I'm happy.
Come on, honey.
Honey, look up.
The show's on.
I'm about to do something really funny.
You're not gonna sleep through the honeymoon, are you?
Come on, wake up.
Now, look.
See what I did here?
I pretended like the joke didn't work.
And then I made a really goofy face and I got a huge laugh.
That was pretty good, huh?
You know, now that you're my wife, you'll learn all the tricks that I used to
make the show
a big hit.
Doesn't the director have a lot to do with it?
Well, what is the deal?
You've been talking about Hal all night.
Just relax and watch the show, please.
Just relax and watch the show.
Please.
Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, I was married today to Mrs. Hal Gurney,
who divorced
our director so she could run off with me.
Can we get a shot of Hal now in the control room?
Hal.
You know, I think we've seen enough.
This is not gonna work.
I know what you're thinking.
I should leave right now and go back to Hal.
Oh, no.
No, no.
What I was thinking is, tomorrow when I get to work, I'll fire Hal.
No.
I think my idea is better.
Goodbye, Dave.
Oh, no, no.
Just, no, no.
Please, no.
After Mrs. Gurney left me, I couldn't get her out of my mind.
I was a wreck.
I felt like I would never laugh again.
Then one day, I happened to pass a movie theater.
I saw what was playing.
Chaplin.
City Lights.
Good old Charlie.
He was my idol.
And he was there to cheer me up when I needed him most.
I had to go in.
Of course, I'd already seen City Lights, so I went to see what was playing in
Cinema 2.
It was Forky's Five.
And let me tell you, I never laughed harder in my life.
The movie put the world back in perspective for me.
I felt good about myself again.
I could go on living.
I got to know the woman who played my wife.
And she was Milton Berle's girlfriend for years and years and years.
And I said, "What was it like all those years with Berle?"
I thought he was very funny.
Funny, yeah.
But what did you get out of it?
She says, "All I got out of it was some really not very good sex and a set of
matched luggage."
And I'm sure she used that line over it.
But I fell down lame with it and a set of matched luggage.
But she was wonderful.