Name: Bill Burr Isn’t A Fan of Marriage | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-16T13:30:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Isn’t A Fan of Marriage | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Isn’t A Fan of Marriage | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-16. Transcript available.

Our next guest certainly needs no protecting.
He's a very funny gentleman, and he's making his debut with us tonight.
He can be seen at the Improv Comedy Club in Miami, Florida, March 4th through
the 6th.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's the very funny Bill Burr.
Oh, Bill.
Hi, thank you.
It's nice to be here. I'm excited.
Kind of feel like a loser, though, lately, you know.
I'm 36 years old. I'm not married.
You know, I'm at that age where everybody I know is getting married.
Let me ask you a question. Why the hell do people keep getting married?
You know, isn't anybody looking at the stats?
I mean, what's it like? One out of two marriages go right down the drain now?
People, if you were going skydiving and they told you half the parachutes weren't
going to open,
you'd be like, yo, forget it. I'm not going.
I don't like those odds.
I got a 50% chance of splatting on the ground. I'm not doing it.
But there's something about getting married. People just have to do it, right?
They're just like, is this the line to lose half my stuff? Awesome.
It's just going to be great.
I can't wait to lose my car, my money.
Oh, look, the line's moving one step closer to my own personal health.
No, married guys crack me up, too.
Anytime you ask a married guy, what's it like being married, they always tell
you it's great,
but they always have a look on their face like they have, like, an appendicitis.
You're like, dude, what's it like being married?
They're like, you know, it's good. It's good.
It's, uh, no, no, no, it's great, you know, it's, uh, you know, it's a good
time, you know.
I think when you meet that special someone, you feel a connection, and I can't
feel my legs.
It's good. You should do it. It's wonderful.
I think I argue too much, though, you know, with the girls I date, you know, I
dated this girl recently.
She was, like, really into, like, women's issues, so we used to argue all the
time, right?
One time she's like, all right, Bill, answer me this question.
Why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job, right, as a female,
right?
I'm going to go, I'll tell you why.
Because in the unlikely event that we're both on a Titanic, and it starts to
sink, for some screwed up reason, you get to leave with the kids, and I have to
stay.
Yeah.
No, that's why, that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
Think about it.
Anytime there's a house fire, it's always women and children first.
I got to stand there with, like, the back of my shirt on fire going, let's go,
people, let's go, let's go.
So that's how I look at it.
No, it's a dollar an hour surcharge.
Yeah, there's something crazy happens.
Either I can't leave, or I got to, like, get in the way of it to give you a
head start, you know?
Like, rabid dog, run, honey.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
You hear a bump in the night, I got to go check it out.
Like, yes, he does have a knife.
See what I'm saying?
Where are all those feminists in those situations?
You can't find them.
There are no feminists in a house fire.
That's a guarantee.
Seriously, you could take the most hardcore feminist, some girl right in your
face, like,
you chauvinistic son of a gun.
A little short, a little haircut, the whole nine yards, right?
Second those flames break out, she's going to twist those little hairs into pigtails.
Ooh, I'm just a girl.
I want to go play jump rope.
Yeah.
She'll leave you standing in a burning house like you're not flammable.
But I'm not a jerk, though, people.
I'm not saying I think a woman should make a dollar less an hour to do the
exact same job.
All I'm saying is that if you're going to make what I make, when the boat sinks,
you better
be standing right there next to me, listening to that guy play the cello.
You know?
Then you get to corner office.
So anyways, I love women, though, man.
I'm just, you know, I'm playing around, you know?
I just find I'm not compatible with them, you know?
No, they have, like, too much energy for me.
Like, that's what I noticed.
You can't have a day off when you have a girlfriend.
You ever notice that?
It's almost like they see that open day.
They're like, oh, my God, let's go fill it up with stuff.
No, then they just come at you with one horrible idea after another.
Horrible ideas.
Like, you want to make some sandwiches and go to the park?
You want to go to the container store?
Get some containers for your T-shirts?
Yeah, they're awful.
I'll tell you the worst one.
You ever get this one?
You want to go to brunch?
You want to go to brunch on Sunday?
And inside, you're like, no!
But you can't say that.
You got to keep them happy, right?
So what do you do?
You agree.
You're like, yeah, let's go to brunch.
What a great idea.
Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday
when you can go pay $18 for eggs?
Now you're thinking.
And we can sit around and listen to your friends
have moronic conversations about the eggs.
Like, is that pesto?
Is that pesto in your omelet?
Oh, it's asparagus.
It's asparagus.
I thought it was pesto.
Just want to flip the whole table over.
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys have a lot of fun.
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
Bye.