Name: Biff Henderson Gets Hypnotized | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-02-18T12:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biff Henderson Gets Hypnotized | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Biff Henderson Gets Hypnotized | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-18. Transcript available.

Paul, have you seen a guy by the name of Marshall Silver on television?
Marshall Silver is a professional hypnotist.
And we thought, well, maybe what we ought to do is bring Marshall in here to
New York City
and we'll have him hypnotize many of our staff members.
You know what I mean?
So that's exactly, we did that a couple of weeks ago.
We brought Marshall in.
Here he is hypnotizing the staff.
In a moment, I'm going to begin relaxing you step by step.
As I do, simply concentrate.
As I touch you, your arms are limp, loose and relaxed.
Heavy weights on your sides, way down.
Four, way down.
The more you concentrate, the lighter that hand will become until it feels as
if there is a giant bouquet of helium balloons attached to your wrist.
On the next number, number one, balloons expand to a million times their
original size.
Going further and further up, the more you concentrate.
Look at me, Biff.
Sleep, Biff.
Way down.
Sleep.
Way down, Matt.
It's a pretty sight, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
Our staff in hypnosis.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
So, we got the staff.
We had volunteers from the staff.
Anybody who wanted to be hypnotized could be hypnotized.
And then we decided, well, while they're under, we'll just goof around with
these people.
So that's what we're going to be doing tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
It's hypnosis night here on The Late Show.
And the first one of these, I believe it's me, Marshall, and you're going to
see one of our stage managers, Biff Henderson, and a young man by the name of
Matt Roberts, who is a researcher here on The Late Show.
Go ahead, roll the videotape.
It's hypnosis night.
Sleep.
Now.
Sleep.
Now.
There he goes.
He's out like a carp now, ain't he?
Way down.
All right.
Now, can we make him do a funny thing?
Yeah.
What would you like him to do?
I want him to do.
When he comes to it, I just want him to start laughing about how much money I
make.
And it's way too much money.
Just laugh and laugh and laugh.
You got it.
On the count of three, you'll open your eyes.
The moment Dave says, how much money do you think I make, it'll hit you full
force, and you will roar with laughter.
On the count of three, open your eyes.
Biff, feeling fantastic in every way.
One, two, three, fully aware.
Biff, how you doing?
Okay.
Do you think I do an okay job on the show?
I do great.
Yeah, I screw it up every now and then, though.
You know, I screw it up.
Well, it's funny.
Yeah, but I'm, as far as you're concerned, I'm worth the money they're paying
me, right?
Yeah.
Huh?
Yeah, you're sure.
You're worth the money.
You don't think I'm getting too much money?
No.
Huh?
Wait a minute.
What's the damn funny?
I work hard for my money.
If Dave asks you anything about how much money he makes, it'll be more than you
can stand.
At first, it won't bother you much, but the more he asks, the more bothered you'll
get,
until finally you'll let him know exactly what you think, that you don't think
he's worth a dime.
What kind of things do you do on the show?
I'm a researcher, so I research the backgrounds of the guests we have.
We have a pretty impressive research library, don't we?
We do.
We have a great research library.
You know, I was thinking about that.
I know that I get a lot of money, but one of the benefits of having all of that
money
is the facility, the research facility, you know?
So I don't feel so badly making that kind of money when I can provide services
like that
for people like yourself and others who work on the show, you know?
Are you kidding?
About what?
I mean, like, with the amount of money that you make, we could be, like, in a
palace, we had a research palace.
Honestly, Giff, I'm out there sweating my brains out night at night at night at
night at night at night at night.
I mean, you enjoy the benefits of my wealth by working here and knowing me.
You have a really wealthy friend.
That's kind of a crock.
If I was making, like, a hundred bucks a week, would that be too much?
Oh, okay.
Sleep!
No way.
Sleep.
My goodness.
You get, you get so much, and I'm, you work, okay, so you work a few more hours
than me.
Right.
But the...
But let me ask you this.
What do you care?
You get a shirt on your back, you get three meals a day, you have a place to
live, you have money for dates.
But I don't have, I don't even have one million dollars.
You don't deserve it.
And you have...
You don't deserve it.
I deserve...
Fourteen!
No, I know.
Fourteen!
I know, but it's not...
Look, if you could give me one, and you'd still have thirteen!
Yes, right!
I put in a long day.
You know?
I mean, I know all that stuff you read in the newspaper.
You know, that's not true.
I ain't making that...
I'm really not making that much money, Biff.
Now, you know, we wanted Marshall, the hypnotist, to come in and hypnotize Biff
again, but he couldn't come in, so we had him do it on the phone.
And Biff this afternoon was talking...
I didn't know you could hypnotize people on the phone, but it was like this.
Hello?
Uh-huh?
Uh-huh?
And you're out cold now, right, Biff?
I'm here.
You're here now, but every time I ask you about how much money I make, what
happens?
Because you were hypnot...
You were hypnotized on the phone, right?
What?
Yeah.
You were hypnotized on the phone.
Yeah.
You don't think I make too much money, do you, Biff?
No, that's true.
No more.
All right, okay.
Dave promised you a car a long time ago.
Where are you from, Don?
I'm from Long Island.
Oh, Long Island, so right here in the area.
When do you go to school?
I go to Suffolk College.
And you've been an intern here for us for how long?
A couple months now.
That's good.
Excuse me, Dave.
Yeah.
I remember, I think it was in January.
All right.
Speaking of money, since you brought it up, remember you promised me a car at
the end of the intern?
I promised you a car?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And...
I promised you a car.
Yeah.
Yeah.
In January, you...
You came with the internship and gave me a car?
Yeah.
You said, you know...
I don't have that kind of money.
I just don't have that kind of money.
I'm telling you, I...
On the count of three, you'll open your eyes, Matt.
You'll no longer be Matt.
You'll be David Letterman.
In fact, you'll be David Letterman introducing Marv Albert.
When Marv comes out, Marv will want to talk, but you'll want him to get to the
clips that he's brought with him.
On the count of three, open your eyes.
One, two, three, wide awake.
Our next guest is the wild and wackiest sports announcer I know.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big Lake Show welcome to Marv Albert.
Marv?
You know, earlier today, I shared a cab down in Madison Square Garden with Pat
Ewing.
And boy, is his hair oily.
And I said to Pat...
That's great.
I said to...
How about the clips?
Yeah, I said to Pat Riley, I said, wow, what is that, 10W30?
On his hair.
Yeah, 10W30.
Yeah, that's what I said to him.
Do you have the clip reel?
How about, let's go to the tape.
Jerry?
No, I'm not...
I want a Porsche.
I want a 944 Porsche.
I want you on your car.
Dave, go ahead, roll the tape.
Okay, Jerry, let's see the wild and wacky...
Sleep!
Wait a minute.
Power windows, automatic, air conditioning, everything I want.
Sleep now.
The moment you open your eyes, you are Madonna in her rawest and sexiest best.
On the count of three, you're Madonna.
One, two, three, wide awake.
How are you?
How are you?
How are you?
Okay.
Nice to see you.
Good to see you.
Thank you very much for being on the show.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, it's good to be here.
Very nice of you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What the did you just say?
I just...
I said it was nice to see you and thanks for coming on the show.
Wow.
Odd, isn't it?
You all right, Biff?
Sleep!
Biff, Biff.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
No, I can't.
Sleep now.
Oh, man.
What happened?
You sit down.
Are you all right?
I got a job.
All right, well, don't sleep now.
I got a job.
Get him on the phone.
I'm putting Biff to sleep.
You all right, buddy?
I'm okay.
All right.
I got to go to...
I got to do this.
All right, do whatever you need to do.
The show.
All right, okay.
Lie down.
If you'd rather lie down, go right ahead.
All right, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep now.
Oh, my God.
There we go.
Hold on.
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
He's out.
Biff? Biff? Biff? Huh? Do what? I do what? Yeah, but I know we'll do the top
ten. What
about this man? What about this unconscious man here in the chair? Screw it. Do
the top
ten. The top ten will put him even deeper under. Is he all right? I just feel
kind of
silly with an unconscious human sitting here next to me? Huh? All right. And
then he'll be fine, right?
He looks so peaceful. Oh, God, I hope he's all right. Biff, like many of our
staffers,
enjoys a nice nap during the show. Biff was placed in hypnosis earlier this
afternoon,
I'm told. Now, on the line here, we have Marshall Silver, who's going to get us
out of this fix.
Hello, Marshall? Hello, Dave. How are you? I'm awesome. You just called me. I'm
between shows
here in Vegas. Well, that's great. We have a medical emergency, but I'm glad
things are
going well for you there in Vegas. How can I help you, Dave? Well, Marshall, I
was screwing
around, and I was doing a sleep, and I put Biff to sleep, and I believe Matt
Roberts, the
other staff member, is asleep now. There, he's out cold. Dave, what you need to
do is you need
to lean over. You need to whisper into Biff's ear. Whisper in his ear. On the
count of three,
Biff, you'll open your eyes, feeling fantastic in every way. All right. Securing
the knowledge
that I'm giving you a raise. All right. That'll bring him right out of trance.
And then at the
count of three, and then do I snap my fingers or any of that? No, you just
count from one to
three. After that, he'll come right out of trance. Here we go. Hang on,
Marshall. Don't go
anywhere. Glad to hear things are going well in Vegas. Biff, it's me, Dave. At
the count
of three, you'll awaken refreshed, happy, confident, full of wonderful feelings
and
thoughts, excited by the knowledge that you're here with your friend, Dave, and
that our long relationship continues everything better than it ever has been in
every way possible for you, me and all your family. Here we go. One, two, three.
I know. You all right? Let's walk around a little. Let's just get up here and
walk around. Can you get up? Yeah, easy, easy. I know, I know, ladies, I know
it looks like you're witnessing a crime, but believe me, everything is fine.
Watch your step there, Biff. You okay? You
a little wobbly there, buddy? You okay? Everything all right? Yeah. Okay. We're
going to return you. We'll just chain you to the camera, okay? All right. Thank
you very much. Thanks.
Let's go. All right. You just went to sleep. You went to sleep. You notice how
I avoided that part about the rays? Yeah. Yeah. Why was that? Okay. Now, what
about Matt? Was he taken care of or we'll let somebody else take care of him?
All right. Thank you very much, Marshall.
Hey, Dave. Glad I could help. All right. Nice chatting with you. Bye-bye. Have
a great show. Okay. We have a great show. Yeah. Yeah. We got people unconscious
on the set.
How can you have anything but a great show. Dave? Sleep. Don't do that. Oh, no.
You didn't go down again, did you, Biff? He's going. He's going down.
We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.