Name: Bill Murray Accuses Phil Donahue Of Dating His Grandmother | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-03-03T16:01:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Murray Accuses Phil Donahue Of Dating His Grandmother | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Murray Accuses Phil Donahue Of Dating His Grandmother | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-03. Transcript available.

Welcome back to the show.
Our first guest this morning was the star of the motion picture Caddyshack,
Meatballs,
and also the TV program Saturday Night Live.
Welcome, please, Bill Murray.
How about that band? How about that band?
Bill, how are you?
I'm in a real ugly mood this morning.
What's the matter? What's the matter?
Well, I've been drinking all night long.
I haven't slept, and I had a gyros last night on 42nd Street around 3.30 in the
morning.
Explain what those are.
Well, it's some sort of Greek plot to take over the world
and destroy our Italian community here in New York.
No, it's sliced lamb that's cooked over a radar range for two to three weeks,
and it's served in the middle of the night on 42nd Street to the kind of people
that are on 42nd Street.
It's part of the mayor's campaign to clean up Times Square.
So, you're hurting then, huh?
Well, a lot of things are bothering me, okay?
And, uh, it's this Donahue thing that I'm so upset about.
What Donahue thing?
Well, how many people here think that the Letterman Show is one of the finest
things that's ever happened?
This is unsolicited.
How many... Now, I did not come out here before and say I was going to say that,
did I? Am I right?
No, you really didn't. What a guy, though, huh?
And to think that this man, Phil Donahue, this horrible man, is such a big hit,
and a man like this is having to take part-time jobs in this city.
Now, uh, you just can't come out here and unload on Phil like that.
Well, I've got some information that I think and hope will damage this man's
career.
Uh, I found out, I am not, I am not sure of this, so I should put this all in
quotation marks.
There's a very real possibility that Phil Donahue is seeing my grandmother.
I'm not positive, but last night, last night, she sleeps in the room next to me.
I've always kept my entire family, my aunts and uncles, we're all in the same
place.
Last night, I heard crying just about dawn, and it was my grandmother,
and then I heard a voice that I thought I recognized say,
well, don't you think if he's the president's brother that he should know
better
than to hang out with a man like Gaddafi who hates the United States?
And it was...
And she was crying, I broke in, and he was gone,
which makes me think it was him, because from what I understand,
he gets up very early in the morning, does a lot of sit-ups,
and does his children's laundry.
So I think that it was him, and he just ran out to do the sit-ups and the
laundry.
She's crying, and this blue beard is running around, you know,
getting my grandmother's name off a Reader's Digest mailing list.
I don't know where she met her.
She rarely leaves the house, you know, riding commuter trains, you know,
scoring with older women for a copy of his autographed book.
I mean, it's just...
You're saying that he, Phil, is kind of a hit-and-run artist?
Well, like I say, I'm not sure.
So I may be wrong.
Well, it looks like you've got, without a doubt, overwhelming evidence to
support that.
Well, I've got a case, and I'm not without influence in the city of Chicago.
Now, you spent some time in Chicago, so you could...
I've done time in Chile.
I've done time in a few places.
I noticed that one in the notes.
I saw that.
We were going to try and do that.
Do you think there's any...
I guess that's out of the question, though.
Call Phil Dunney.
Yeah, we were going to try and call him.
Wouldn't that be perfect?
Let's call Phil Dunney.
No.
I want to tell...
I want to tell Phil Dunney that I'm going to kill him.
No, no.
No, no.
I don't care.
No, you can't.
No, see, he's just joking here.
Can we do this?
Can we do this?
Can we kill Phil Dunney?
Can I threaten him?
I think that there's some sort of federal law against threatening another man's
life on network TV.
I don't know.
As strange as that sounds, I think there may be a law dealing with that.
We'll run this through legal, and we'll pause here for some commercials, and we'll
come back and see if we can't...
Welcome back.
Bill Murray is here.
I love that fan.
That's a talk show prerequisite, by the way.
And we were just discussing Bill Murray's fondness for Phil Dunney, and we were
going to call Phil, but we couldn't get that approved.
Phil has to approve all his incoming calls, so we can't...
Isn't that typical?
So let me ask you, is it just this thing...
Grandma.
Is it just your thing...
What?
That's it?
That's the only reason you're upset with Phil, is you think he and your
grandmother are, uh...
Oh, my, uh...
Well, I also still resent what he did to Ted Bissell, you know, stealing Marlowe
away from him.
You know, and I think it's pretty much common knowledge in the entertainment
industry how Danny feels about Phil.
You know, and what that man has done, and for Phil to treat Marlowe like that,
and for Danny to know it, is...
Well, exactly.
You know, I started out not having an opinion on this, but I'm beginning to
hate the man.
Just, uh...
Now, uh, Bill also wanted to spend some time today.
Bill is very helpful.
He wanted to call either Phil Donahue, uh, or he wanted to call someone in
Maine to find out if the leaves had turned.
So we have all of that information here, so we'll put that away, and just in
case we run short, we'll phone Maine.
But, uh, he was gracious enough to, uh, consent to take audience questions?
This is very rare.
I do this once a year, and, uh...
And we're pleased that you're doing it here.
Let's turn up those house lights, as they say on TV.
Yes, sir, what is your name, please?
Uh, Don Hetherington.
Where are you from?
Naples, Maryland.
Oh, good.
Uh, hey, Bill, I'm having a rodent problem, and, uh, I was wondering, what's
the best humane way you can, uh, you know, kill the rodents?
A rodent problem?
The most humane way?
Yeah.
Is, uh, well, to eat them yourself.
Thank you.
Because you don't want a lot of, uh, poisons and pesticides to run out into the
atmosphere.
It's just for you to just digest the rodent yourself.
Really the best way.
Okay.
Thank you very much, Don.
Yes, ma'am, what is your name, please?
You know, uh, one, one thing is, is that some, maybe you have the problem and
not the rodent.
You ever, it's possible.
Think about it.
Something.
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, my name is Michelle Krantz, and, Bill, I used to be a bank teller, and I
really want to ask you this question.
What do you think is a fair interest rate for a home loan?
I don't know.
That's a tough question.
It is tough.
One of the reasons I only do this once a year.
This is really more your field.
I saw you working, uh, bank.
I don't know, uh, let me just, you mind if I take this one?
In Connecticut.
Uh, 22%.
Sounds good.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
I'm just going to turn these cards over because, uh, Arlene Francis identified
our guest earlier, and, uh, does that answer your question, Michelle?
I think so.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Fun, isn't it?
Yes, sir.
Where are you from?
I'm from Newcastle, Pennsylvania.
What is your name, sir?
My question?
This is going better than I had hoped.
Yes, what, I'm sorry, what is your name, sir?
Uh, my name is Joseph Tardio.
Yes, Joe.
Do you have a question for Mr. Murray?
Or David.
I would, uh, like to know where you can get a hot meal for a fair price.
Well, I have to draw upon my many years.
Uh, I, uh, there's one place on 42nd Street where you can get a good gyros, but
go late because it's, it ages.
Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yes, ma'am.
My name is Jean-Ann Tardio, and I'm from Newcastle, Pennsylvania, also.
Uh, Bill, I wanted to ask you a question.
You saw my husband, and he's a lot shorter than I am, and it embarrasses him
sometimes.
And I was wondering, um, do you think this is ever going to hurt our
relationship?
Well, I think you have already many, many problems with his, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, I, I, I think you have so many problems that his size is really not
that important.
I think more importantly is perhaps his, uh, uh, your refusal to cook him a hot
meal, perhaps, at a decent, fair price, you know?
Thank you.
Thank you very much, man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Help, help us out here.
What, what, what, hi, what is your name?
Alex Julian.
I'm from Toronto.
Oh, hello, Alex.
Where are you from?
Toronto.
Oh, Toronto is a great city.
Toronto, Canada.
It's a beautiful town.
You ever been to Toronto?
I've never heard of it.
You know, CN Tower.
Okay.
It's a great city.
What is your question, Alex?
Uh, first I'd like to say I hope things work out with your grandmother.
And I'd like to know, uh, how you feel about strip mining and, uh, what are the
viable alternatives?
Uh, strip mining, uh, you want me to compare and contrast it?
Or?
Yeah, that, that would be fine.
Strip mining, uh, is, is, is, is, uh, is, it's a very difficult subject to
address early
in the morning.
I, I've just seen, uh, a few strip mines and they're ugly, but, uh, if you stop
strip
mines, then all the strip miners are out of work.
So what are you going to do?
Uh, it's a kind of a John Anderson kind of a question.
Yeah, uh, I think we're out, that's it for the, uh, the questions.
Anything you'd like to say before we wrap this up?
I want to, first of all, I'd like to say it was very nice of you to field these
questions.
Tricky, because they work.
Well, uh, it was because I didn't do my homework.
I was supposed to have slides on my vacation, and I didn't get them developed.
Well, maybe next time.
Bill Murray, ladies and gentlemen.