Name: Fan Request: Dave Encounters A Bear In His House | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-03-11T16:06:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Dave Encounters A Bear In His House | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Dave Encounters A Bear In His House | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-11. Transcript available.

so anyway i just want to mention this one thing it was uh a saturday something
terribly exciting
happened to me and and you know how good it is when something happens that you
know you will
remember the rest of your life that only happens maybe a handful of times if
you're lucky in in
your lifetime so here's what it was on saturday morning now i have to set the
scene for you may
have to use your imagination okay i'm in montana uh-huh it's it's the treasure
state yes and i
think probably the widest of all states i believe so it's just hugely massive
yeah so it's it's a
459 because i know this because i look at the little digital readout on the
clock it's 459 a.m
and i hear a noise and i think to myself probably the wind and in montana that's
always a pretty good
bet yeah so i go back to sleep for about 10 minutes until i hear another noise
and this time it's more
pronounced more defined but yet i think oh crap it's 10 after five i ain't
getting up i'm just
not going to get up so i went to sleep for another half an hour and finally i
hear what sounds like
somebody in the kitchen making breakfast okay and i said to myself well that's
a good thing isn't it
it might be somebody in the kitchen making me breakfast i i i don't recall
setting it up i don't
recall organizing it but god bless them if they're making breakfast yeah sure
so i went back i went back
to bed for like another 10 minutes because it's it's still not even six o'clock
so finally that the noise
becomes so cacophonous there is so much noise coming out of the kitchen even if
it's people making me
breakfast they're doing a horrible job so i i get up and i open the the bedroom
door and i reach around
the little thing there and i turn on the light and and right in the next room
is you have your living
room and i'm sorry your dining room and then you have your kitchen and i open
the door and they're
standing in my kitchen is the largest bear i've ever seen in my entire life get
out get out of here
a huge yes grizzly bear well i don't know how big but he was the biggest bear i've
ever seen in my
kitchen i sure i understand
okay i closed the door and and he he had trashed the kitchen i mean he pulled
the refrigerator out
of the thing oh he had pulled open the bottom drawers and just twisted them
like like little
gum wrappers okay he had he ate half a chocolate cake he ate a dozen bananas
yeah he ate two oranges
he ate a peach he chewed up the peach and spit the peach pit out into the dog's
bowl okay he he ate
he ate a jar of frosting he had two pouches of beef jerky he slid open the
drawers and got out some candles
yeah okay you know for ambiance he opened another drawer pulled out some hot
dog buns ate the hot dog
buns and and and had was climbing up and just kind of sniffing around and had
turned on the faucet the
water was running oh really i mean he had something in mind yeah yeah porridge
yeah so so so i i i close i
close the door and i and i call my friend uh chip who lives in town who sort of
runs everything and
knows everything and is really smart and really good and a marine and he's the
guy you want to call when
you got a bear in your kitchen okay so he says
i said yes that's right so uh it's like a 40 miles uh from town to the house
and he can he gets
there in 11 minutes and and so uh for the next uh two or three hours it's me
and chip walking through
the house with flashlights and the bear gets tired eating everything so then we
see him walk down the
hallway he walks down to the hall turns and left and goes into another bedroom
so i go around the corner
and oh i see him in the bedroom so we open that door thinking maybe he'll come
out and so then all of a
sudden we can't see him again and i think oh my god he's going downstairs now
you get a bear in the
basement you're really screwed so i i go down in the basement with a flashlight
he's not down there and
then i come up and as i come up the bear is crossing from one bedroom into the
next bedroom and it's just
like oh good morning he goes into into the bed at the room and lies down and
goes to sleep so now
now i close the door on the so he can't get out that way and open the outside
but he's not coming
out he's in there asleep so i got some some lacrosse balls and now i'm throwing
the balls at the bear
and and he just he doesn't care he doesn't care about anything all he wants to
do is nap so he's
stretched out the bear was in my house for five and a half hours so finally
chip my friend the genius
he says you know what we need m80s we got to get us some m80s so he calls this
this high school kid in
town brandon and he says brandon can can you get out here with some m80s so all
right so now brandon comes
out so me and chip are standing in the driveway and in the meantime the hurrah
the house is now
surrounded by a herd of bighorn sheep how did that it's like circus vargas or
something i just was
crazy uh so now uh brandon shows up and and chip takes the the m80s in and he
starts you know dropping
him into the bedroom where the bear is finally the the bear comes out and here
let me show you what this
guy looks like okay this is him sitting in the bedroom maybe you can see that's
him you see him in
you think i'm making this crap up
he is baby finally he's coming out he's decided he's going to leave the house
there he is
and i'm telling you he couldn't have been cuter he couldn't have been sweeter
and was was not
aggressive and and just very very dog-like and here he is finally thank god
after five and a half
hours heading for the hills
so that was my saturday that's some yeah
but if if you ever are in that situation call a high school kid
get those m80s your problems are over ladies and gentlemen
what a day now i want to just follow up on one thing monday night i told this
story about a bear
breaking into my house and fixing himself breakfast and and i told about the
the damage that he had
done and and and today uh my friend in montana shipped me part of the damaged
refrigerator oh yeah
yeah so he see he got in and he turned on the faucet and he was eating bananas
and he pulled the
refrigerator out right and he had chocolate cake and he was eating fudge
frosting and and he had
oranges and some beef jerky and an apple and and a and a peach and then he spit
the peach pit into the
dog's bowl because you know he's smart the peach pit there those those are
poisonous you can't be eaten
though so he just left a little something for the dog kind of a little hey
so anyway today i'm now getting remnants of the the big breakfast the the
kitchen mauling now this
this is a sliding drawer out of a like a refrigerator right sliding drawer yeah
yeah
and where you would put and it contains zucchini and carrots okay he was not
interested in the
zucchini and carrots he wanted more chocolate cake okay but it was oh look at
that oh my goodness
ah that's solid that's solid metal
twisted it like a gum wrapper yeah he sure did here now is the bear making his
escape this is him this
is after breakfast he's had enough that's the real that's the real thing yep
and there he goes
you know calling all state about my bear policy hope you're i know you're
covered yeah i hope out there