Name: Dave and Paul's Dog Sled Race | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-03-14T19:49:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave and Paul's Dog Sled Race | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave and Paul's Dog Sled Race | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-14. Transcript available.

And, of course, the reason you're all here tonight.
Let me tell you a little bit about this.
64 years ago, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police
were formed in Paul's native land of Canada.
As a tribute to that momentous day,
tonight, in the hallway of the sixth floor
of the RCA building in Midtown Manhattan, NYNY,
the Great Dog Sled Race.
You and I tonight, Paul, in the hallway, dog sled racing.
I know. We are going to sled down, actually, dog sled down the thing.
This is what the good Lord meant television to be, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, folks. Okay, this is what we were talking about.
64 years ago in Canada, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police
were formed, and in honor of that anniversary tonight,
we're having the Great Dog Sled Race right out here in the hall
on the sixth floor at NBC.
And as soon as Paul comes out, we'll get the festivities going.
I want you to meet two gentlemen who brought the teams in.
This man is Bob Bartolucci.
This is Charlie Schroeder.
Gentlemen, thank you very much for your participation
and bringing these guys in.
They are members of the Long Island Sled Dog Racing Association.
First of all, Bob,
what does a sled dog racing association do with itself?
Well, we promote dog sledding.
We have a membership of about 50 people.
Uh-huh.
And we train and race sled dogs on Long Island.
And how far does a race go?
What is the distance?
Any distance from three to eight miles.
And what kind of dogs do we have here tonight?
We have Alaskan Huskies, which you see here,
and we have some Siberian Huskies on the other team.
And any other dogs participate in this kind of thing?
Basically, these are the two breeds.
You do get Malamutes that participate also.
Now, I've noticed something all afternoon in the hallway.
These guys smell bad.
Is that the way dogs ought to smell when they're racing, or is it...
That's from all the sweat from all the hard miles.
But dogs don't sweat, do they?
On their pads.
They do actually sweat?
Okay.
Are they nice dogs?
They're gentle and pussycats.
And there'd be no problem, Charlie, with these guys?
No.
And is this going to be tough for Paul and I
to master racing these guys?
It'll be a little rough, but if you hold on tight, you'll be all right.
Okay.
What do we have to understand about this?
What is the command to get things going?
The command to start is hike.
Hike.
Hike.
Have you ever ridden one of these?
Starts them up.
Hike starts them up.
Up way up in the north.
No, I never did.
No, you never did.
And how do you get them to stop?
To stop, you just say ho and hit the brake.
Ho and hit the brake.
But we don't actually say that part of it, do we?
You say ho.
You say ho, and then we actually hit the brake.
Okay.
How many dogs will be on a team?
You'll have four dogs for each team.
Okay.
Can you pick a favorite just by knowing how the dogs are divided up,
or are they pretty evenly matched?
Well, I go with minstrel right here.
This is minstrel right here.
Hi, minstrel.
How are you?
And whose team, who has minstrel on that team?
Yeah, is minstrel?
I think David has minstrel.
Oh, well, okay.
There you go.
But nonetheless, I'm sure I'll have just an equivalent.
Now, there is a weight difference.
I am a little lighter than you.
Yeah, so we've evened that up.
We've given Paul the handicap of, what do we have over there, 50 pounds of beaver
pelts.
That'll definitely even make us even.
We got those out on 6th Avenue.
They're available here in New York most any time of the year.
Well, you're 50 pounds heavier than I am.
Well, I guess.
But we're going to even, what do you weigh?
140.
Well, I weigh 175.
So, how many pounds is that?
Well, that'd be 35 pounds.
Well, let's take a few of these out there.
No, no, no, no, no.
Actually, it doesn't work that way.
And we're going to race up and down the hall.
How fast will these guys get going in here?
Well, I say you go between 15 to 20 miles an hour.
All right.
Anything else we ought to know about this?
Hold on tight.
Okay, what is the length of this?
I would say you're going about 50 yards.
50 yards.
Okay, so it's pretty much a dash event.
And to call all of the action-packed minutes,
moments of the competition, NBC's own Mr. Bob Costas.
Bob, how are you tonight?
I'm fine, but naturally filled with trepidation,
as anyone would be at the prospect of being involved
in something like this.
You're telling me.
Now, have you ever covered a dog sled racing event?
I have not, but I'm told that conditions
for an event like this are all but ideal today.
Well, that's good.
Sub-arctic temperatures, howling winds,
then, as you can see, a fresh dusting of snow on the ground.
This man's been under hypnosis.
Now, Bob, can you, in a couple of words,
describe the feeling out here on the sixth floor?
Well, the atmosphere is tense.
It's one of breathless anticipation,
and looking at these huskies,
I'd say they're every bit as eager as we are.
All right, Bob is going to call the race from the finish line.
I'm heading there now.
All right, Bob, good luck to you.
Paul, Bob, I think you need this.
Thanks.
Oh!
Now, Paul and I are going to go down there
with the dogs and the sleds.
We'll get ready.
Have I left anything out here?
Okay, we're all set.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're moments away from the greatest spectacle in racing.
We're going to pause for a commercial,
and the great dog sled race will begin.
Come on back.
This is Bob Casters back in New York,
and I see we have just about reached
the traditional pause up at the other end of the hallway.
That means we are moments away from the start of the race.
Briefly, these are the rules
which govern all international dog sled competitions.
Each competitor, in this case David and Paul,
must start with one foot on the side runner of the sled,
another foot on the brake.
Once the brake has been released,
they can use the free foot to push off the ground for propulsion,
and the winner, of course,
is the first sled across the yellow ribbon
marking the finish line in front of me.
One last precaution which has been taken.
The man you see behind me
is licensed paramedic Al Frisch,
and Al is standing by with comforting blankets
in the event that any of the competitors
should suffer from exposure.
We are just about ready to get it underway.
Let's throw it to our own Jimmy Fitzgerald
who is manning the starting gun.
Jimmy, are you ready?
All right, then.
On your mark, get set, go.
Hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, you Huskins, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice
Hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike.
And they break quickly with the starting gun.
And the addition of the beaver pelts apparently has given the time.
And Paul, that was the earliest favorite in the betting line, handicapped by
the additional weight, has fallen behind.
And David Letterman, surging to the finish line, is an easy winner over Paul
Schaefer.
Nice job, guys.
But no cigar.
What was it, Paul?
Was it the pelts?
Where did I go wrong?
Ho, ho, hike, ho.
The dogs are now on the elevator, looking for a champ.
This is how those Bolivian soccer riots usually start.
Is everybody all right?
Oh, boy, that was exciting.
A disappointed loser, but first, as is customary, we speak to the winner.
Huddle here against the chill.
Dave, can you single out a turning point in the race?
I think Paul had it accurately when he announced earlier that I may have had
the stronger lead dog.
It certainly felt that way to me, especially coming out of that dangerous chute.
You know, a couple of years ago, we lost some Norwegians down there.
It's true with any big building in this city.
And we all remember that with a great deal of sorrow.
Dave, this has to be satisfying because of some of the wise remarks that Paul
made during the week about what was likely to happen.
I guess you've shut him up now.
Yeah, pretty much, and I think we're ready for the Nationals.
Now, are we going to take a look at this excitement, Bob?
Oh, I think we should.
Okay.
I think we should.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Now, this is the one in the front is Minstrel, I believe, the guy on the right
side of the screen.
And we were doing about 60 right there.
This is the most frightening part of the course.
They stretch this yellow line across the end there.
And you see, I actually had to start breaking even before I crossed the finish
line.
It was just an unbelievable moment in sports.
And it looks to me like Paul.
Is Paul even on the same floor?
Can you see?
Well, let's talk to him here.
Paul, it seemed like Dave grabbed the lead.
Oh, my.
Well, these are the things which happen on live television, ladies and
gentlemen.
And goodness is the part.
Yeah.
And assignment four.
We'll have that soaked right out of there.
I don't.
Okay.
I'll go ahead and do it.
And we'll just take this.
Well, we really.
I really can't follow that.
A little something for the maintenance department, ladies and gentlemen.
It seemed as if.
I think my team is expressing really how we all felt and how we did.
Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
A fitting tribute to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police on this, the 64th
anniversary of their founding.
We must continue with Late Night, although I realize it will all be anticlimactic
after this.
I think so, absolutely.
It's not every week.
Absolutely.
Thank you very much.
You are welcome, David.
Tough luck to you, Paul.