Name: Fan Request: The $41,000 Pumpkin Cannon Fail | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-03-18T14:27:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: The $41,000 Pumpkin Cannon Fail | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: The $41,000 Pumpkin Cannon Fail | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-18. Transcript available.

- We have with us tonight a thing, a device,
and I don't even know how to describe it.
What it does, it shoots, it shoots, it's huge,
and it shoots pumpkins.
This thing shoots pumpkins, and it's like a cannon.
It's like a pumpkin cannon.
It's like the barrel of the cannon is a hundred feet low.
- Oh, no. - Absolutely.
That's the Illudium Q36 pumpkin modulator.
That thing shoots pumpkins, and we're gonna be shooting them
to Edgewater, New Jersey, all the way across the Hudson River.
The town of Edgewater, New Jersey, has been evacuated.
That's what we're shooting for.
- Da-da-da-da-da! - The, uh, the pumpkin cannon, of course,
is owned by one pumpkin cannon.
That's what we're shooting for.
- Da-da-da-da-da!
- Da-da-da-da-da!
- The, uh, the pumpkin cannon, of course,
is owned by Juan Pablo Montoya!
No, it's not.
Go ahead and jump, sir.
The show doesn't get any better.
Um, and the, the gentleman, the genius behind the pumpkin cannon
is Max Teasdale.
Where are you, Max? Did we see Max earlier?
Hi, is that you, Max?
- Yes, I'm right here, Dave. - Are you excited?
Are you ready?
- I'm ready. I'm ready. - All right.
- I'm ready. - What's the record for firing a pumpkin?
How far have you gone?
The longest distance we have ever fired is 4,491 feet
for a Guinness World War.
Oh, oh my God.
Uh, I hope you'll always use your genius for good and not evil.
Who actually built this thing?
There are five young fellows in Hopedale, Illinois,
and around that part that actually built this machine in 1996, Dave.
Wow.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
And they, and they've been attending pumpkin modulating contests
since, since '96.
Yeah.
Max is on autopilot.
Uh, but, but Max, uh, seriously now, all kidding aside,
have you ever killed a guy?
No, I'm kidding.
Oh, no.
I'm just kidding.
Thank you, Max.
Thank you.
Thank you, Max.
Let me have yourselves beat nothing.
Thank you.
So the next time we go out there, he's going to load it
and then fire it, or just load it the next time?
After the break, we're going to load it.
Right.
To the top ten and then fire it.
Oh, my God.
So you're adding the, building suspense here.
Yeah.
Okay, so, so the next step, ladies and gentlemen,
if you're keeping score at home, and I know you are,
the next step will be the loading of the pumpkin.
Okay?
And you know who pulls the trigger, don't you, Paul?
No.
Juan Pablo Montoya!
That's right.
That's right.
Just between you and me, he is Zorro.
No kidding around.
And the reason you're all here tonight,
we're going to be launching pumpkins
from the New York side of the Hudson,
the east side of the Hudson,
to the west side of the Hudson.
Is that right?
East to west?
That's what we do here.
And into a little community, Edgewater, New Jersey.
And now I believe it's time to load.
This is only the loading.
So get up really close to the sets.
Here we go.
Max, take us through the tricky and delicate loading procedure.
Okay, Dave.
We're ready to load.
Brad, we're ready to load this pumpkin.
Toss that up there.
Now, what's that?
The pumpkins are wrapped in something?
Well, we put some glow-in-the-dark tape on there, Dave.
Yeah.
It's getting dark out here,
and we hope that you'll be able to see them go a little farther.
Okay, I want to talk to you about that in just a minute, Max.
Okay.
Okay.
Is it loaded?
It's loaded.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Stick your head in there, sir.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Get a good look.
Matt is closing the chamber now.
It's loaded.
He's pushing the locks down.
How much does this thing cost that you guys have built there?
Oh, we don't even keep track.
Yeah.
We don't want to know.
It's locked in the chamber.
We'd really rather not know.
All right.
We're all set.
Okay.
It's loaded?
It's loaded.
Well, you can see, ladies and gentlemen,
why we wanted this to be a separate step in the procedure to build that tension.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, Max.
We'll be back later to fire that pumpkin, okay?
And we'll be ready.
All right, sir.
Perfect.
Perfect step.
During the commercial, our executive producer, Rob Burnett, approached the desk.
He asked permission, of course.
And he said this to me.
He said this.
He said to me, looked me right in the eyes, and he said, "We're screwed on
these pumpkins."
And I said, "What's the matter?"
And he says, "You're not going to be able to see anything."
Right.
You know that glow-in-the-dark tape?
Doesn't work.
No.
No.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
Pick up the remote control.
Do whatever you have to do.
Uh, but we knew that it would be dark, right, when we, uh, spent the money to
bring the cannon
here?
Yes.
Well, what did you think was going to happen?
That, like, they'd be on fire or something?
Yes.
Would it be shooting tracer rounds?
It'd be like...
We thought they were going to be flaming.
Flaming.
Oh, flaming.
Excellent idea.
Let me check in with Max.
Max?
Yes, Dave?
Can you set fire to those pumpkins?
Well, we never have.
We never have.
And I don't think they burn very well.
All right.
We'll get back to you, Max.
Thank you.
Well, we'll try, though.
It is.
It's not a bad idea.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, I mean, it's not like we do the show at noon.
You know, we've done it pretty much at this time for the last 18 years.
How much did we spend on getting the cannon out here?
Really?
Yeah.
$41,000.
So, that's New Jersey in the distance.
Let me see that shot again.
And they're going to be firing them.
And the muzzle, the barrel there, is 100 feet long.
Oh, I think there's a chance you'll be able to see them.
so that's new jersey in the distance let me see that shot again and they're
going to be firing
them and the the muzzle the barrel there's 100 feet long oh i think there's a
chance you'll be
able to see them all right well stay tuned it's loaded don't worry it's loaded
we're ready to go
here we go get ready ladies and gentlemen 41 grand down the drain
is there something people at home should be looking for uh it's like an eclipse
do you need
special glasses for this i think they need an imagination oh you need a very hectic
imagination
well okay okay max any time boy take take take it away here we go okay i'm
going to put a little
more pressure in here good idea how many how many psi now we've got just enough
to reach new jersey
all right here we go are you ready i'm ready okay
Okay.
Okay, let's take a look at it now in slow motion instant replay.
Here we go, the pumpkin.
There, there you, that, oh.
Well, that, yeah, okay, stop it.
That glow-in-the-dark tape really does the trick.
It's so bright, it's hard to look at.
Don't look directly at the pumpkin.
We'll be doing that all night.
All night.
We'll be doing this all night.
Now here we have some never-before-seen footage of the pumpkin cannon.
Is that right, never-before-seen?
Here's what just happened.
It's mounted a camera right on the end of the barrel.
Here's, we just launched one.
Take a look at this.
There, now watch, this is pretty dramatic.
I wanna point out, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, it's 41,000 CBS dollars.
It's not coming out of my pocket.
And Max said a little bit later, if he wants, if we want, he will rotate the
cannon 90 degrees and fire some off up the West Side Highway.
Oh, all right.
On fire, though.
Light 'em up.
No, they can't light them up.
Come on.
That's why we have the glow-in-the-dark tape.
Yeah, right.
That's so popular in the world of pumpkin cannons.
Yeah.
All right.
There's Max in just a couple of seconds.
They're gonna launch eight pumpkins.
My thanks to the East Harlem violinists Juan Pablo Montoya and Susan Saranda.
Tomorrow night, ladies and gentlemen, Regis Philbin.
Craig Kilbourne is next.
Here come the pumpkins.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Good night.