Name: Stupid Pet Tricks: The Beer-Buying Dog, A Stupid Cockroach Trick And More | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-03-21T15:39:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Pet Tricks: The Beer-Buying Dog, A Stupid Cockroach Trick And More | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Pet Tricks: The Beer-Buying Dog, A Stupid Cockroach Trick And More | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-21. Transcript available.

Right now, it's time to get to our latest installment of Stupid Pet Tricks.
People from all over the tri-state area have brought their pets, dogs, cats,
other animals in here,
and going to perform the tricks that they have been taught at home.
Now, let me remind you, this is not a competition. It's only an exhibition.
Please, no wagering.
Now, let me introduce our first participant tonight, Carrie Seller. Carrie?
Oh, hi.
Hi, Carrie. How are you?
Nice to see you, sir. And this is your dog, who?
That's Buddy.
Hi, Buddy. How are you?
Give him a little... Hey, nice smile. Nice smile.
What kind of dog is Buddy?
He's a mutt.
He's a mutt? How old is Buddy?
He'll be seven on the 4th of July.
All right. And what will you and Buddy do for us tonight, Carrie?
Well, Buddy spends my money, and then I drink the beer when we get home.
Buddy buys beer for you.
That's correct.
You're apparently not of age.
Well, neither see, so between the two of us can get away with it.
Now, how did you teach him to do this?
It's a whole bunch of little tiny things put together.
Okay. All right.
Well, if you need me, I'll be right here.
Okay, I need you.
This is Buddy and his dog, Carrie, and they're going to buy some beer.
Now, what do I do?
You're the clerk.
I'll be the clerk.
Can I stand over here?
Yes, sir.
I'll be over here.
Now, the only thing you have to...
Well, let me get the beer.
He can wait while we're talking.
Sure.
Sure.
Buddy?
What the hell am I doing now?
Atta boy.
Bring it over here.
Oh, the dog brings the beer.
Yeah.
Now, just hold it for a minute.
Hold it.
Now, he's going to come over and put his feet up here.
Hand you the beer.
Take it.
Okay.
I take the beer.
Right.
Okay.
That's a very nice dog.
Stay there and hold it.
Then, he's going to pull the money out of the rubber band, and you take it.
Oh, okay.
But that's the hard part.
No one can ever do that.
Well, what happens?
They just forget.
They freeze.
Oh, they forget.
Sure.
Okay.
Well, no.
It's my shop.
I don't have to take the money.
Then, after you've got the money.
You know, the last dog that came in here like this held the place up.
Are you listening?
No word.
Are you listening?
Okay.
Let's go.
Okay, bud.
Right up here.
That's the store clerk.
This is the world's biggest store.
Hi, buddy.
How are you?
Take the beer.
Let me take the beer.
And can I have the money?
You didn't take it.
You didn't take it.
Get out of the way.
Stay right there.
Good dog.
You're great.
Stay right there.
All right, dear.
Would you like some beer nuts?
Maybe some razor blades?
Flint for your lighter?
All right, let's take a look at Buddy here in slow motion.
There's more.
Oh, forgive me.
I'm sorry.
He wants to take the beer so that I can drink it.
So you take that and put it in here.
I'm sorry.
Good heavens.
If only they'd tell me what time the rehearsal is, I'd be happy to be there.
All right, I give it back to him?
No, no.
Put it in here.
I'll put it in there.
There you go.
The old store clip.
Well, the mitts look pretty good, don't they?
Throw my money in there, too, please.
Yeah, me and the wife are going to try to get up to Chey on Sunday.
All right.
There you go, pal.
Thank you very much, Terry.
Now, that's...
Yeah, that's a dog, boy.
That's a dog's dog.
That's the way dogs ought to be, you know?
That's Buddy.
All right.
Our next participant tonight, Adam Zwig.
Mr. Zwig.
Is that right, Adam?
No, Dave.
Can I say wrong?
How do you pronounce it?
Can I say Zwig?
Zwig.
Gee, I'm awfully sorry.
Forgive me, sir.
Adam, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
And where are you from?
I'm from Harvard University.
Oh, my God.
You have a strange-looking watch there, Adam.
What is that thing?
This is Spot, and he's a Madagascar giant cockroach.
And obviously a favorite with the audience.
Where do you get, I guess, Madagascar?
But how is it that you have one that big?
Well, this was sort of given to me by a friend.
Oh, yes.
I'm sure it was.
Now, what are you and that animal going to do?
I guess you're just going to beat it to death for us.
Isn't that your trick?
Is that your trick?
Maybe not.
Well, that's not very nice.
No, I'm sorry, Adam.
No, it's okay.
Spot-sensitive, those kind of things.
Okay.
How long have you had that thing?
We've had them for about...
Actually, we've had two.
This is actually Spot 2, the original Spot.
We've had it for about two months until he died.
Yeah.
Just a little while.
And how long do you think this one will be around?
After tonight, I'm not sure.
How big will he get?
Is that it for him?
No, he can be a foot, too.
About the size of a Honda.
Okay, Adam, whatever you're going to do, go right ahead.
Tonight's Spot is going to climb the tightrope over the fires of hell and the
pit of doom.
All right.
Which I brought along with me here.
Dave, I need you to help me.
Could you grab that tightrope right there?
I'll be happy to hold the rope.
Where do you want me to put this?
Okay, you can put it right in front of Spot's head here.
That is his head.
Yeah, and I'm going to push him.
What do these things eat, by the way?
Oh, now, if he drops, we're...
Oh, come on, Spot.
Okay, I'm going to light the fire of hell right now.
Okay, and I'll take it from you, Dave.
This looks like it might be good on a cracker.
Maybe not.
Okay.
Adam, do you want me to, uh...
Oh, now, you're not going to roast this beast, are you?
Not if he walks fast enough.
Okay.
Okay, Spot, you ready?
I'm going to have this place closed down.
Oh, no, what, oh, no.
You want to spot?
You want to spot?
Whoa.
There he goes.
There he goes.
You're supposed to do it.
Oh, my gosh.
Adam, this may have been one of our most dramatic moments on Stupid Petricks.
Here again, through the miracle of slow-motion instant videotape replay.
Oh, my.
I had a nice meeting here.
Thank you very much.
I had a swag.
Thank you very much, Adam.
I'd just like to thank John Redd very, very much for letting me on to Spot's co-owner.
Thanks again, Spot's co-owner.
They had to someone co-sign a loan to get that thing.
Thank you very much, Adam.
Co-owner.
All right, Rina, another name I'm having trouble with.
Rina.
Rina, is it Rina?
Good heavens.
Two or three hundred people here tonight in support of Rina Frederick.
Rina.
Hi.
I didn't get your last name back, did I?
It's Friedrich.
Rina Friedrich.
Nice to meet you.
Where are you from, Rina?
I'm from Babylon.
Babylon.
And this is your pet, obviously.
Yes, this is Corky.
Corky and a handsome-looking kitty.
How old is Corky?
He's about seven, I'd say.
All right, very nice-looking cat.
What will Corky do for us?
Well, he thinks he's a breakdancer sometimes.
All right.
Is there anything I can do for you and Corky, or just...
Just watch.
I hope he does it.
All right, did you teach the cat to do this?
No, he came that way.
One of the options you can get at the showroom.
Come here, Corky.
All right, Corky the cat will now breakdance.
What are you feeding him there, Rina?
Roast beef.
Roast beef, all right.
Come here, Corky.
Come here, Corky.
Come here.
Would you like to buy some beer?
We have a few left.
Corky, come here.
Come here, Corky.
Corky the cat will be breakdancing.
Do you need a little music, Rina?
Maybe.
I don't know.
Come here, Corky.
A little soft music?
We don't want to frighten the poor...
Come here, Corky.
Corky, come here.
That's a very nice-looking cat.
Corky.
Yeah, that seemed to be what...
Just exactly what we needed.
Exactly.
Come on, Corky.
Corky.
Okay.
Rina, is that even your cat?
Actually, I found him on the way over here.
All right, let me get a ruling here.
What are we going to do?
Okay, well, if we have time, you can come back and give it another shot, but we're
going
to have to move on for right now.
Okay.
Thank you very much, Rina.
I'm awfully sorry.
Bye, Corky.
Bye-bye.
That's a real disappointment.
These kids work so hard making their own costumes and then...
It doesn't mean anything.
All right.
Marty Diamond, ladies and gentlemen.
Marty.
Hi, Marty.
How are you?
Oh, boy.
Come here, boy.
Boy, oh, boy.
We got trouble here.
What is this?
This is an English Bull Terrier.
English Bull Terrier.
What are they...
Is it a friendly dog?
Sometimes.
Well, is he friendly tonight?
Yes.
What's his name?
Boy.
Boy.
Come here, boy.
Oh, I see how that works.
That's great.
What an imagination.
All right.
Hi, boy.
How you doing?
Now, he's got some pig blood in him, doesn't he?
Hello, boy.
That's a great looking dog.
What is he going to do for us tonight, Marty?
He walks with a bag on his head.
Okay.
Walks with a bag on his head, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yes, sir.
One of the dogs.
One of the dogs.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Okay.
There you go.
Marty Diamond and his dog boy.
Yes, sir.
Congratulations, Marty.
Nice job.
There you go.
That was a super techie.
We don't have time to find another Pass for Rina, do we?
Maybe later in the show?
We'll later.
Maybe next week.
Yeah.
We've got to pause now.
We'll be right back with Ruth Westheimer.
The bag on the head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Walks with a bag on his head.
Thank you.