Name: Fan Request: Why The #1 In The Top Ten List Isn't Funny | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-03-25T14:06:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Why The #1 In The Top Ten List Isn't Funny | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fan Request: Why The #1 In The Top Ten List Isn't Funny | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-25. Transcript available.

Top 10 ways the government could spend $63 billion.
Congressional budget analysts expect the federal budget surplus this fiscal
year to be $63 billion.
They're anticipating a budget surplus, $63 billion.
Top 10 cool ways now the government could spend $63 billion.
Here we go, number 10.
Digitally remaster Al Gore.
Number 9. Rent Goodwill Hunting from Blockbuster and keep it for $63 billion
days.
Number 8. Goodbye Pentagon. Hello Octagon.
Number 7. Carve off half of Alaska. Stick it on to Rhode Island so Rhode Island
isn't so pathetic.
Number 6. For 63 random citizens, birthday cards with billion-dollar bills
tucked inside.
Yeah.
Number 5. Pay every American named Johnson to move to Wyoming. Rename it
Johnsonia.
Number 4. Finally pay for a restoration of the David Letterman Boyhood Home
National Historic Site.
Number 3. Clonely enough Leonardo DiCaprio so every teenage girl can have one.
Number 2. Get the United States of America a decent damn soccer team.
And the number 1 cool way the government could spend $63 billion.
Two words. National kegger.
Well there you have it.
Another top 10 list.
Another subpar per number and performance.
This is David Diaz News 2 reporting live from the Ed Sullivan Theater
on what has truly become a mystery for the ages.
Why the number 1 is never funny.
In the nearly 5 years David Letterman has been on CBS
he has read 2,108 top 10 lists.
Yet out of all these lists
only 4 number 1s have been funny.
I asked Letterman about this staggering statistic.
I have no idea.
You know all I do is I show up here at the theater.
I put on a suit.
I work for an hour.
I say whatever it is.
They tell me to say.
People assume the writers write the number 1s.
But that's not true.
So who does then?
I don't know.
I always assume Biff did.
Don't pawn that crap off on me.
I'll tell you about something.
Biff is good.
Yeah sure.
Blame it on me.
With all these conflicting accounts
it's become clear that someone
doesn't want the public to know the real story.
It's strange.
Last season we were all set to do
an episode of the X-Files
on why the number 1 is never funny.
Then the network stepped in and pulled the plug.
They never said why.
If you ask me the real question is
why numbers 10 through 2 are never funny.
I know that one Dave.
You want to answer me that?
So it seems the mystery of the top 10 list
will remain just that.
A mystery.
But one thing is certain about the number 1s.
As Letterman himself might put it.
Two words.
They suck.
David Diaz.
Thank you David.
Find peace.
What's going on?
We'll be right back with Gabriel Byrne
ladies and gentlemen.