Name: Madonna's Infamous F-Bomb Interview | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-03-31T21:02:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Madonna's Infamous F-Bomb Interview | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Madonna's Infamous F-Bomb Interview | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-31. Transcript available.

I'm only here because there isn't a Knicks game. Don't get excited. Oh, come on.
Let's go kiss the guy in the audience. Why don't you go kiss the guy in the
audience?
Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?
As we all know, I have none of my own.
Well,
Go kiss the guy in the audience. It would knock him out.
Look at that guy. Just like on the forehead. Just on the forehead.
I can't.
He's not warm enough.
I like that. She said, I can't.
A lot of people would cave into the pressure and say, oh, all right.
They'd go out and kiss him and get it over with.
Yeah, well, I've never succumbed to peer pressure.
Good for you. That's what we love about you, my brother.
Yes.
What brings you...
Incidentally, you are a sick...
I don't know why I get so much...
You realize this is being broadcast, don't you?
Yeah.
Well, you can know me talking like that.
What?
I say, oh, never mind.
Wait a minute. Aren't you going to smell them?
I gave them to you for a reason.
Let's see what I'm doing at my house right now.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll take care of that later.
I gave him my...
Come on.
I gave him my underpants and he won't smell them.
That's not where they go.
No, that's...
No, believe me.
That's where the underwear goes.
That's...
That's where...
Here's where I keep my socks.
Here's where I keep my panties.
That's where they go.
No, that's where you keep my panties.
Okay.
All right, so what are you doing in New York City?
Let me ask you a question.
Are you buying an NBA team?
Are you buying the Bulls?
Are you buying the Miami Heat?
Are you buying a...
What do I...
No.
How come?
Is that just a rumor?
Is that an...
Yes.
Untrue rumor?
But you like basketball.
Isn't that an oxymoron, an untrue rumor?
No, not necessarily.
Not necessarily.
Some rumors are true.
Jumbo shrimp.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, jumbo shrimp, yes.
Oxymoron.
Untrue rumor.
No.
That's like funny David Letterman.
Sir, you're the luckiest man in the house.
But do you like basketball a great deal?
Where is your interest in basketball?
That microphone is really long.
Speaking of the NBA.
I'm sorry.
I always go there and really I don't care.
I mean...
So now let's talk about your interest in the NBA.
You go to a lot of games.
You were friends with Charles Barkley.
I wouldn't go that far.
You weren't friends with Charles Barkley?
I don't think he understands the meaning of friendship.
Oh, really?
He seems like you might be a hothead, that guy.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Did you know him at all?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did it hurt when you had that thing put in your nose?
I thought you were going to ask me if it hurt something else, but I thought you
were going
to continue the Charles Barkley line of questioning.
Wow.
Man.
This is...
What a revelation.
And the answer is...
A lovely young woman.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
No, but you have your...
You have like a nose ring there.
Now, what happens when you...
Both questions, yes.
...when you take that out?
Will you ever take that...
What happens when you take it out?
Yeah.
Both questions?
Oh, come on.
Come on.
What am I speaking Chinese here?
Now stop it.
Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't
want to talk
about my sex life when I'm on your show.
No, what do you mean?
Do you mean because we refer to you periodically?
We make jokes?
Periodically?
Yeah.
You can't get through a show without talking about me.
Or thinking about me.
But do you mind that?
Is that a problem for you?
It's never a problem.
All right, I'll tell you what let's do.
Let's do a commercial.
You want to do a commercial?
No.
Okay, we'll do a commercial and then...
I don't think we should ever cut to a commercial.
Let's just keep talking and film every second of it.
Oh yeah, because if the rest of it is as fascinating as the first part of it,
then we've got something
there.
That's money in the bank there.
Before...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before we cut to a commercial, I just want to know.
Is that a rug?
You're talking about my hair?
All right, what is that?
A swim cap?
What are you wearing?
Come on!
Let's go!
Here we go!
Come on!
No, no, no, no.
I got a bad, I got a bad hair.
I can't, I can't.
There we go.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Just have a seat.
Don't make me act a fool, Dave.
No, have...
All right?
Don't make me...
Do you want to touch my dress?
Yeah, I would.
I would like the dress.
Oh, very nice.
Very nice.
I tell you what, we are going to do a commercial and we're going to wash her
mouth out with soap.
And he's going to smell my underwear.
And then we'll be right back, kids.
Come on back.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
Welcome back to the program.
Madonna is here.
Madonna and I are just sitting around smoking cigars, swapping recipes.
Yeah.
Also, counting crows and the world champion, the grocery bagger.
Did you have jobs like that when you were a kid?
Did you work in grocery stores, bagging groceries, any of that?
No.
Have you ever been in a grocery store?
You really, you really, um...
Yeah.
Yeah, good.
Uh, and, uh...
You know, you've really changed since the last time I was on the show.
Well, we haven't seen you since, like, six years, seven years or so.
You used to be really kind of, like, cool.
I know.
There is no bigger dweeb than me.
Money's made you soft.
Really?
You think so?
Yeah.
In what sense?
Because you just kiss up to everybody in your show now.
You do, man.
You're always kissing up to, like, all...
I see all these, like, you know, movie stars coming here, and you just...
Right.
It's all gaga.
I can...
You used to give people a hard time.
Yeah.
I can suspend that behavior tonight, if you like.
I believe you have already.
Oh, I know.
Now, we're just kidding around.
Explain to folks.
We're just kidding around.
Don't be special, okay?
All right, sure.
But what specifically are you getting at?
What is driving you nuts here?
What's troubling you?
About you or life in general?
Well, let's start with life in general.
No, let's just get back to you.
Okay, fine.
First of all, you're not irritated at all.
You're not irritated at all.
I know this is a little...
You're not irritating me.
Okay, good.
Are you trying to?
No, I'm not trying to irritate you.
Actually, you do irritate me sometimes.
Well, you kind of irritate me, too.
Really?
You see, we have so much in common.
I know.
Why are you always...
Actually, I brought something to, like, make a point.
All right, okay, good.
Because you are always...
Me on the show.
You are always...
Me on the show.
This...
You are always...
Me on the show.
Where is that thing?
See what you're doing?
See?
Do you see what you're doing?
Now, there.
You see?
What?
A nice car.
Where are you folks from?
Yeah, Appleton, Wisconsin.
Look, they drove all the way.
They came in an Avis car.
Will you shut up, please?
Can we...
Let's get to the tape.
I brought a tape to prove that he's obsessed with me.
All right, so you think that we refer to you far too much on the show.
Yeah.
All right, roll the tape, Hal.
Let's see what she's talking about here.
As luck would have it, I look up and there's Madonna.
There she was.
Riding her bicycle.
Hal, roll my home videotape of Madonna.
Watch this.
This is very impressive.
Look, there she is.
Okay, stop it.
That's...
That...
All right.
What's that all about?
Can you do that?
Don't you have a problem with chafing when you're out there like that?
My ass looks a lot better than that.
Are you enjoying that smoke there?
It's just the right size.
What do you...
Now, when you leave here tonight, what are you going to do?
Are you going to go out?
Are you going to go...
Don't f*** me, Dave.
Oh, Jesus.
Please.
Wait, aren't there any other segments?
That's it?
Do we have more tape for Madonna?
Sounds to me...
I like the way you say my name.
It sounds to me like somebody might be...
Somebody f*** me up.
It's okay.
I want to thank you folks for coming in for this run-through show.
Thank you very much.
This, of course, will never see the light of day.
You won't miss a thing tonight.
You have a top ten list, I'm told.
Yeah, I'm sitting on it.
You're sitting on it.
Oh, are we going to do the list?
Yes.
I heard Morty over there weaseling.
First, he said, no, no, no, no.
And then I said...
And then I said, are we going to do the list?
And he said, sure.
There seems to be a lot of confusion right now.
Yeah, guess why?
Is it because I've been saying...
You just, you can't...
Speak the truth and shame the devil, baby.
You can't, no, you can't be coming on here.
This is American television.
You can't be talking like that.
Now we're going to have to...
Well, because people don't want that in their own homes at 11.30 at night.
They don't?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Yeah!
Yes, sir!
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
People don't want to hear the word...
Oh, stop it!
Will you stop?
Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Turn the volume down immediately.
She can't be stopped.
There's something wrong with her.
There's definitely something wrong with me.
Yeah.
I'm sitting here.
Anyways, what...
We have to do another commercial.
We have to do another commercial.
I don't think we should.
No, we're going to do one.
I don't think...
I think we should break the rules tonight.
I'm calling the shots.
We're doing another commercial.
We'll be right back.
Hey, how you doing?
Nice to see you.
Welcome back to the show.
Counting Crows will be out here in a little bit.
And Madonna is with us.
And if you're just joining us so far,
it's been a fascinating interview.
Yeah, he just...
Dave just slobbered all over my cigar.
Now, you asked me to light it for her
and I thought I was doing the gentlemanly thing.
It's the closest I'm ever going to get to kissing you.
Oh, well, we could...
We could certainly change that, you know what I mean?
If I don't have to wait in line.
It's a joke.
I'm sorry.
Well, you're not in the NBA,
so forget about it.
Now, Madonna, I'm told that you prepared
a little special comedy thing for us.
Your own kind of...
Me?
Yes, you.
Your top ten list there.
And I think All America is...
Do you want to get it?
Oh, man.
Damn thing seems to be stuck.
Somebody bring me the jaws of life!
There it is.
Okay.
See, I haven't dated that many basketball players.
All right.
Here.
There you go.
That was a very solid joke.
Okay.
How you been?
You doing all right?
You look pretty good.
Everything going all right?
Are you talking to me?
I'm talking to you, yeah.
It seems all very rehearsed.
I know.
It seems all very rehearsed.
I know.
Why did you have to go and read a top ten list?
But we do it every night.
Have you ever seen the show?
Well, actually, I have seen the show,
but I've never...
I mean, I've always been doing something
while I was watching the show.
I know.
I've heard all about you.
So, I don't really...
It's not funny.
Forget it.
Well, now what the hell are we going to...
Now, you know...
Now, we're going to have to deal with each other.
Oh, let's don't do that.
No holds barred.
We have tape?
Tape of what?
Tape.
Why can't we just talk to each other?
Why do we have to have all this contrived...
You know, the tape, the list, everything.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, man.
I think we should get...
Don't you want to show everybody the underwear?
I think people...
Most everybody has seen underwear.
No, they haven't seen...
No, they haven't seen mine and mine.
Oh, no, that's not true.
No, no, no, no.
They stole me out of my underwear.
They stole me out of my underwear.
What?
Oh, jeez, we're out of time.
You know...
Don't make me act a fool, Dave.
No, no, you know, it was fun.
I get a big kick out of you.
Really?
In what way?
Well, just, you know...
Walk out of your body.
I think you're a nice...
Where?
You know, I think you're a decent, nice person, you know?
Uh-huh.
And I'm happy you could come by here tonight and...
Gross us all out.
But, you know, I'm just, you know...
Isn't there anything you really want to ask me?
You know, it seems like we know almost everything there is to know about you.
Really?
Yeah, tell us something we don't know about you.
You don't know a damn thing.
Yeah?
Like what?
What's the next look?
What's the next incarnation?
What's the next sort of image?
What do we...
That's what you want to know?
Yeah.
No.
That's not what you want to know.
Oh, geez.
We're out of time again.
What are you going to do now?
What are you going to do after the show?
Did you know that it's good if you pee in the shower?
I'm sorry.
No, I'm serious.
No, seriously.
Peeing in the shower is really good.
It fights, um, um, athlete's foot.
I'm serious.
No, urine is like an antiseptic.
It's all got to do with the enzymes in your body.
Don't you know a good pharmacist?
Get yourself some Desinex or whatever that stuff is.
I wanted to share something that I knew with you.
Okay.
Well, thank you very much.
And, uh, I'm going to try and wrap this up again.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh.
What do you care?
What, like a guy like me wouldn't have a girlfriend?
Yeah, thank you very much, sir.
How about you?
Do you have a boyfriend?
I thought you were going to ask me if I had a girlfriend.
Um.
Are you currently interested in someone?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, really?
What's his name?
Dave.
Dave?
No, no, no.
Not, no, not.
Former mayor of New York, Dave Dinkins.
Come on, everybody!
We have, yeah, we have to say goodbye now.
Why?
Because we have other guests.
Why?
Probably, probably not anymore, but we should.
Can't this just go on and on?
It seems like it has, don't it?
We, you know, we want to get the Count and Crows out here and we want to get
the beggar.
Well, we want to hear their song, you know, they have a little song we planned
for us and we'd like to hear that.
And then the grocery beggar, you don't want to break his heart, do you?
No, no, no.
Look at this.
Look, see?
I'm just going to be in a minute.
Oh, okay.
It's not really this late anyways.
This is all a fantasy.
Right, but I mean, when...
We're living ahead of the time that it actually is.
Exactly, very heavy, Madonna, thank you.
I don't know, I don't know.
Don't make me, Dave.
I know.
Don't make me act a fool.
So I think what we'll...
No, wait a minute, I just want to ask you one more question.
Sure, go ahead, shoot.
Have you ever smoked endo?
I'm sorry?
Have you ever smoked endo?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're a damn liar.
I know.
I don't.
I don't.
It's weird.
I know, I don't.
I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
You should.
Okay, all right.
Well, I'll put that in my list of things to do.
Smoke some endo.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
And pee in the shower.
Pee in the shower.
Get those panties cleaned.
Okay.
All right, Madonna, well.
Don't tell me you haven't peed in the shower.
Everybody pees in the shower.
That's right.
Everybody picks their nose.
Okay, now.
Why do we have to be...
Why do you keep flashing that card?
Can't we just break the rules?
No!
Who said that?
No, no, that's the guy you wouldn't kiss earlier.
The guy out there you irritated him.
All right, okay.
Now.
Is the show almost over?
The show is nearly over.
Yeah, we have to say goodbye now.
We only have a few minutes.
We only have a few minutes.
And thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
It was nice of you to stop by tonight.
Madonna!
When you come back, I'll still be here.
You know, of course, that's what I was going to say.
She won't leave.
I'm not going anywhere.
We can't get rid of her.
What if she's here tomorrow night?
That's crazy.
You know, just for the hell of it, let's do a commercial and see what happens.
We'll be right back.
Nice to see you.
Okay, coming up in the next half hour, Mother Teresa is going to drop by.
That's a variety.
You know, about halfway through the show, I wanted to go home with that nice
couple in
the audience.
Yes, they were.
I wanted them to adopt me and take me out of here.
I'm sure they'd like to.
They're lovely.
Well, I see we've been canceled.
There is no show tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night on the program, Charles Grodin, Elvis Costello, and the
attractions.
I'm sorry.
Good night, everyone.
.

Madonna's Infamous F-Bomb Interview | Letterman

I'm only here because there isn't a Knicks game. Don't get excited. Oh, come on.
Let's go kiss the guy in the audience. Why don't you go kiss the guy in the
audience?
Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?
As we all know, I have none of my own.
Well,
Go kiss the guy in the audience. It would knock him out.
Look at that guy. Just like on the forehead. Just on the forehead.
I can't.
He's not warm enough.
I like that. She said, I can't.
A lot of people would cave into the pressure and say, oh, all right.
They'd go out and kiss him and get it over with.
Yeah, well, I've never succumbed to peer pressure.
Good for you. That's what we love about you, my brother.
Yes.
What brings you...
Incidentally, you are a sick...
I don't know why I get so much...
You realize this is being broadcast, don't you?
Yeah.
Well, you can know me talking like that.
What?
I say, oh, never mind.
Wait a minute. Aren't you going to smell them?
I gave them to you for a reason.
Let's see what I'm doing at my house right now.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll take care of that later.
I gave him my...
Come on.
I gave him my underpants and he won't smell them.
That's not where they go.
No, that's...
No, believe me.
That's where the underwear goes.
That's...
That's where...
Here's where I keep my socks.
Here's where I keep my panties.
That's where they go.
No, that's where you keep my panties.
Okay.
All right, so what are you doing in New York City?
Let me ask you a question.
Are you buying an NBA team?
Are you buying the Bulls?
Are you buying the Miami Heat?
Are you buying a...
What do I...
No.
How come?
Is that just a rumor?
Is that an...
Yes.
Untrue rumor?
But you like basketball.
Isn't that an oxymoron, an untrue rumor?
No, not necessarily.
Not necessarily.
Some rumors are true.
Jumbo shrimp.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, jumbo shrimp, yes.
Oxymoron.
Untrue rumor.
No.
That's like funny David Letterman.
Sir, you're the luckiest man in the house.
But do you like basketball a great deal?
Where is your interest in basketball?
That microphone is really long.
Speaking of the NBA.
I'm sorry.
I always go there and really I don't care.
I mean...
So now let's talk about your interest in the NBA.
You go to a lot of games.
You were friends with Charles Barkley.
I wouldn't go that far.
You weren't friends with Charles Barkley?
I don't think he understands the meaning of friendship.
Oh, really?
He seems like you might be a hothead, that guy.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Did you know him at all?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did it hurt when you had that thing put in your nose?
I thought you were going to ask me if it hurt something else, but I thought you
were going
to continue the Charles Barkley line of questioning.
Wow.
Man.
This is...
What a revelation.
And the answer is...
A lovely young woman.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
No, but you have your...
You have like a nose ring there.
Now, what happens when you...
Both questions, yes.
...when you take that out?
Will you ever take that...
What happens when you take it out?
Yeah.
Both questions?
Oh, come on.
Come on.
What am I speaking Chinese here?
Now stop it.
Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't
want to talk
about my sex life when I'm on your show.
No, what do you mean?
Do you mean because we refer to you periodically?
We make jokes?
Periodically?
Yeah.
You can't get through a show without talking about me.
Or thinking about me.
But do you mind that?
Is that a problem for you?
It's never a problem.
All right, I'll tell you what let's do.
Let's do a commercial.
You want to do a commercial?
No.
Okay, we'll do a commercial and then...
I don't think we should ever cut to a commercial.
Let's just keep talking and film every second of it.
Oh yeah, because if the rest of it is as fascinating as the first part of it,
then we've got something
there.
That's money in the bank there.
Before...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before we cut to a commercial, I just want to know.
Is that a rug?
You're talking about my hair?
All right, what is that?
A swim cap?
What are you wearing?
Come on!
Let's go!
Here we go!
Come on!
No, no, no, no.
I got a bad, I got a bad hair.
I can't, I can't.
There we go.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Just have a seat.
Don't make me act a fool, Dave.
No, have...
All right?
Don't make me...
Do you want to touch my dress?
Yeah, I would.
I would like the dress.
Oh, very nice.
Very nice.
I tell you what, we are going to do a commercial and we're going to wash her
mouth out with soap.
And he's going to smell my underwear.
And then we'll be right back, kids.
Come on back.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
Welcome back to the program.
Madonna is here.
Madonna and I are just sitting around smoking cigars, swapping recipes.
Yeah.
Also, counting crows and the world champion, the grocery bagger.
Did you have jobs like that when you were a kid?
Did you work in grocery stores, bagging groceries, any of that?
No.
Have you ever been in a grocery store?
You really, you really, um...
Yeah.
Yeah, good.
Uh, and, uh...
You know, you've really changed since the last time I was on the show.
Well, we haven't seen you since, like, six years, seven years or so.
You used to be really kind of, like, cool.
I know.
There is no bigger dweeb than me.
Money's made you soft.
Really?
You think so?
Yeah.
In what sense?
Because you just kiss up to everybody in your show now.
You do, man.
You're always kissing up to, like, all...
I see all these, like, you know, movie stars coming here, and you just...
Right.
It's all gaga.
I can...
You used to give people a hard time.
Yeah.
I can suspend that behavior tonight, if you like.
I believe you have already.
Oh, I know.
Now, we're just kidding around.
Explain to folks.
We're just kidding around.
Don't be special, okay?
All right, sure.
But what specifically are you getting at?
What is driving you nuts here?
What's troubling you?
About you or life in general?
Well, let's start with life in general.
No, let's just get back to you.
Okay, fine.
First of all, you're not irritated at all.
You're not irritated at all.
I know this is a little...
You're not irritating me.
Okay, good.
Are you trying to?
No, I'm not trying to irritate you.
Actually, you do irritate me sometimes.
Well, you kind of irritate me, too.
Really?
You see, we have so much in common.
I know.
Why are you always...
Actually, I brought something to, like, make a point.
All right, okay, good.
Because you are always...
Me on the show.
You are always...
Me on the show.
This...
You are always...
Me on the show.
Where is that thing?
See what you're doing?
See?
Do you see what you're doing?
Now, there.
You see?
What?
A nice car.
Where are you folks from?
Yeah, Appleton, Wisconsin.
Look, they drove all the way.
They came in an Avis car.
Will you shut up, please?
Can we...
Let's get to the tape.
I brought a tape to prove that he's obsessed with me.
All right, so you think that we refer to you far too much on the show.
Yeah.
All right, roll the tape, Hal.
Let's see what she's talking about here.
As luck would have it, I look up and there's Madonna.
There she was.
Riding her bicycle.
Hal, roll my home videotape of Madonna.
Watch this.
This is very impressive.
Look, there she is.
Okay, stop it.
That's...
That...
All right.
What's that all about?
Can you do that?
Don't you have a problem with chafing when you're out there like that?
My ass looks a lot better than that.
Are you enjoying that smoke there?
It's just the right size.
What do you...
Now, when you leave here tonight, what are you going to do?
Are you going to go out?
Are you going to go...
Don't f*** me, Dave.
Oh, Jesus.
Please.
Wait, aren't there any other segments?
That's it?
Do we have more tape for Madonna?
Sounds to me...
I like the way you say my name.
It sounds to me like somebody might be...
Somebody f*** me up.
It's okay.
I want to thank you folks for coming in for this run-through show.
Thank you very much.
This, of course, will never see the light of day.
You won't miss a thing tonight.
You have a top ten list, I'm told.
Yeah, I'm sitting on it.
You're sitting on it.
Oh, are we going to do the list?
Yes.
I heard Morty over there weaseling.
First, he said, no, no, no, no.
And then I said...
And then I said, are we going to do the list?
And he said, sure.
There seems to be a lot of confusion right now.
Yeah, guess why?
Is it because I've been saying...
You just, you can't...
Speak the truth and shame the devil, baby.
You can't, no, you can't be coming on here.
This is American television.
You can't be talking like that.
Now we're going to have to...
Well, because people don't want that in their own homes at 11.30 at night.
They don't?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Yeah!
Yes, sir!
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
People don't want to hear the word...
Oh, stop it!
Will you stop?
Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Turn the volume down immediately.
She can't be stopped.
There's something wrong with her.
There's definitely something wrong with me.
Yeah.
I'm sitting here.
Anyways, what...
We have to do another commercial.
We have to do another commercial.
I don't think we should.
No, we're going to do one.
I don't think...
I think we should break the rules tonight.
I'm calling the shots.
We're doing another commercial.
We'll be right back.
Hey, how you doing?
Nice to see you.
Welcome back to the show.
Counting Crows will be out here in a little bit.
And Madonna is with us.
And if you're just joining us so far,
it's been a fascinating interview.
Yeah, he just...
Dave just slobbered all over my cigar.
Now, you asked me to light it for her
and I thought I was doing the gentlemanly thing.
It's the closest I'm ever going to get to kissing you.
Oh, well, we could...
We could certainly change that, you know what I mean?
If I don't have to wait in line.
It's a joke.
I'm sorry.
Well, you're not in the NBA,
so forget about it.
Now, Madonna, I'm told that you prepared
a little special comedy thing for us.
Your own kind of...
Me?
Yes, you.
Your top ten list there.
And I think All America is...
Do you want to get it?
Oh, man.
Damn thing seems to be stuck.
Somebody bring me the jaws of life!
There it is.
Okay.
See, I haven't dated that many basketball players.
All right.
Here.
There you go.
That was a very solid joke.
Okay.
How you been?
You doing all right?
You look pretty good.
Everything going all right?
Are you talking to me?
I'm talking to you, yeah.
It seems all very rehearsed.
I know.
It seems all very rehearsed.
I know.
Why did you have to go and read a top ten list?
But we do it every night.
Have you ever seen the show?
Well, actually, I have seen the show,
but I've never...
I mean, I've always been doing something
while I was watching the show.
I know.
I've heard all about you.
So, I don't really...
It's not funny.
Forget it.
Well, now what the hell are we going to...
Now, you know...
Now, we're going to have to deal with each other.
Oh, let's don't do that.
No holds barred.
We have tape?
Tape of what?
Tape.
Why can't we just talk to each other?
Why do we have to have all this contrived...
You know, the tape, the list, everything.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, man.
I think we should get...
Don't you want to show everybody the underwear?
I think people...
Most everybody has seen underwear.
No, they haven't seen...
No, they haven't seen mine and mine.
Oh, no, that's not true.
No, no, no, no.
They stole me out of my underwear.
They stole me out of my underwear.
What?
Oh, jeez, we're out of time.
You know...
Don't make me act a fool, Dave.
No, no, you know, it was fun.
I get a big kick out of you.
Really?
In what way?
Well, just, you know...
Walk out of your body.
I think you're a nice...
Where?
You know, I think you're a decent, nice person, you know?
Uh-huh.
And I'm happy you could come by here tonight and...
Gross us all out.
But, you know, I'm just, you know...
Isn't there anything you really want to ask me?
You know, it seems like we know almost everything there is to know about you.
Re