Name: The True Story Of How Dave Letterman Got Knocked Out | Upcoming: @MrBeast
Uploaded: 2022-04-12T23:01:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The True Story Of How Dave Letterman Got Knocked Out | Upcoming: @MrBeast' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The True Story Of How Dave Letterman Got Knocked Out | Upcoming: @MrBeast' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-12. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Barbara and this is Dave. Hi Barbara. How are you? Happy birthday.
Thank you very much. It's my diamond jubilee. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. By the
way, thank you very much for having me on the show. I'll be brief because I
know you have other guests and you weren't here last time and I hope you're
feeling much better. I wasn't sick. Okay. Anyway, I was told you were ill. No,
I wasn't sick. So you have a little story you're going to tell.
Well, not a little story. It's kind of an epic and it's a big story in my life
because it was a day of firsts. First time I'd ever been knocked unconscious
and first time I have ridden in an ambulance and first for my son who also was
in the ambulance with me. Now, having said all of that, it's sort of like, oh
my God, what happened to Dave? Yeah. Well, here I am and it's a pretty good
story.
Last summer because he's at an age where he's thinking about going to college.
So we would go visit colleges and it was great fun because they were all just
road trips, Harry and me out loose, running around, having fun. And I can
remember on this particular day as we left to go on this road trip, my wife and
Harry's mother, same person, said, are you two taking this seriously? And we
said, oh, come on.
Anyway, here is the plan. We drive to the campus. We circle the campus. We find
a place to park centrally located. Harry goes his way. I go my way. And Harry
says, I don't want to see you. If you see me, don't look at me. And I said, I
got it. I got it.
It's because he doesn't want the dopey old dad there on campus with the kid.
Sure. Makes perfect sense to me. So Harry goes looking around the campus. I go
into the campus village and they look, guess what was there? Warby Parker. Do
you know why they call it Warby Parker?
I don't. It's a, it's a name of a guy invoked in some of the beat literature,
the name of the author. I can't recall at this moment. Anyway. So I, I'm always
in the market for glasses.
Sure. Wait a minute. Yeah. I couldn't, I couldn't wait an hour at Lenscrafters.
All right. And so, and there's a Starbucks. So I love coffee because as you
know, without the caffeine, I'd have no personality.
Right. Okay. So, uh, now on this particular campus, there's these enormous behemoth
electric scooters, big, huge, and they're everywhere as though dropped from
space.
Okay. So now I'm out shopping and I wait for an hour and a half, two hours. And
I think, okay, it's time to go meet my son back at the car.
In this hand, I have the Warby Parker purchase. And in this hand, I have the Scalding
Hot Coffee. And I'm walking purposefully because I know I'm late.
I don't want Harry to wonder where the hell that is. Right. And out of nowhere,
I fall full force and hit my face on the cement sidewalk, broke the fall with
my face.
And, uh, I saw the white flash in my head and that was it. And, um, I'm out
cold. I don't know how long I was out. I finally come to, and the first thought
I have is Harry is going to be so pissed off.
So now there's an, uh, an ellipse of a half a dozen people, good Samaritans
standing around me, people I don't know. And, and everyone's looking at an old
man bleeding to death. And they each said, are you okay? And of course lying,
no, I am fine. No, that, no, that was nothing. You gotta see me in the shower.
Well, yeah. Uh, so, and, and now comes a fire truck and one of these good hearted
people has phone 9-1-1 to get the fire truck to come. And a guy hops out of the
fire truck and he said, uh, are you okay? And again, lying. I said, sure. What
could be wrong here? Pool of blood. I'm fine.
Uh, and so he goes back to the truck and I hear him call and he said, yeah, uh,
we have a man in his seventies who, uh, fell on the sidewalk and was knocked
out. And I thought to myself, wow, that poor bastard.
And then it turned out it was daddy. Okay. So now the fire truck leaves. Next
comes an ambulance again with the siren. And these guys are on me and they load
me on the, the brace.
Uh, they, uh, they, uh, they put me on the thing and shoved me into the back of
the ambulance. They get, get an IV in me. And one of the good Samaritans has
gathered up my belongings, my, uh, Warby Parker glasses.
Hey, maybe I'll get, you know, and, uh, some other belongings that hit the deck
when I hit the deck. So they hand those to the ambulance guys. They put me in
the ambulance and, uh, now they got me on a neck brace and they're trying to
staunch the blood flow.
And I, I said, I, you guys, uh, I said, are you protesting or are you out of it?
Oh no, you're playing along when they got you locked into an ambulance. You're
not. Yeah. Hey, what's going on here? Why you? No, no, you're, you're full on.
I said, you know, the, uh, I don't know where you guys are about to take me,
but my son is somewhere in the neighborhood.
We, we have to, uh, it's all right. What's he look like? I said, he looks like
every other kid on campus. Oh, we'll find him. I, I can't protest.
So now we're in the ambulance and the guy, the, uh, emergency worker is trying
to see if I'm have damaged my brain. And this was right after the, uh, uh,
evacuation from Afghanistan.
And he says to me, what, what do you think about that Afghanistan deal? And I'm
thinking, well, this is an unusual question under the circumstances. And then I
realized it was a brain check. So I gave him my, uh, thoughtful, uh, piece on
Afghanistan, which amounted to nothing essentially.
And, uh, we're now driving around looking for my son in an ambulance with the
lights flashing. And the next thing I know, the back doors open up and Harry
gets in the ambulance. And I thought, Oh, I said, Harry, I am so sorry.
It's all right. I said, well, how did, how did you get here? Well, the guy said,
is your name Harry? And I said, yeah. And they said, well, we got your dad in
the back. And, uh, I said, what happened? And the guy says, well, he hit his
head. And I said, oh, he'll be all right.
So now he's, he and I go to the emergency room together. And the first thing I
say to Harry is don't tell your mother. Okay. So we go into the emergency at
the, uh, Rhode Island hospital and it's crowded and they're, they, they get us
and they take care of us and they clean me up and they, they scan my brain. And
then they gave me an X-ray. And, uh, I, I, I, I,
the other, uh, guy flossed my teeth. Wow. Yeah. Full service. Oh, for white
glove treatment. And, uh, and so everything's fine. Oh, and then they stitched
me up 180 stitches, right? 180. 180 stitches. Wow. Yeah. Uh, and so we're in
there for like two hours and now I put my clothes back on and I'm sopped in
blood. So we got to go home.
Wait, you had to take off all your clothes. I don't know if you had to.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Uh, so we got to go home now. So I don't want
anybody to see me in a blood soaked outfit. So I put my clothes on backward. Um,
and so the blood's all in the, in the back now.
Um, and I said, Harry, when we get home, don't tell your mother what happened.
So we get out of the car, we walk into the house and Harry says, Oh mom, uh,
dad fell and hit his head and had to go to the hospital.
The hospital bang zoom. Sure. Yeah. So that was the story and concussion. I'm
certain there was a concussion, but no fractures of the skull. Uh, no cognitive,
although for a long time. And this is the truth. I couldn't remember the name
of Eric Clapton.
Why did you have to? I, well, I just couldn't, I kept thinking, Layla. Hmm. Layla.
Hmm. And I couldn't remember Eric Clapton's name. So that's how I self-diagnosed
the concussion. Interesting. Yeah. So, uh, that's my story. And, um, thank you
to the folks at the Rhode Island hospital emergency award, uh, because they
were quite busy and had other things to do besides, uh, uh, treat the likes of
me. It's a pretty good birthday story.
It's a great story. And it's a story that Harry and I, uh, will have forever.
And it was, I'm telling you, it was, it was, I know it doesn't sound that way,
but it was nothing but fun. Yeah. No, it doesn't sound like fun. And next week,
I understand Mr. Beast will be on your show. Oh, really? So we'll be happy to
see that. Sure. Yeah. All right. Nice having you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.