Name: Staff Favorite Moments: Biff Henderson | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-04-19T15:01:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Biff Henderson | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Biff Henderson | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-19. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Beth Fenderson.
I met David Letterman in 1980 when I was assigned by NBC to the David Letterman
morning show.
And I worked the morning show, the late night show at NBC, and then when we
went to CBS
I did the late show with David Letterman there right up until the last program.
I'm very humbled with the experience over all the 30 something plus years and I
have
to be honest, I did so many different things, skits and travels in every place
all over
the world that it's hard to even remember everything.
One of the first times I remember being in any type of film, I think this was a
part of
a film festival that the show had put together, different people were doing
their films and
I think Dave's film was about him marrying the director, Howard Gurney's wife.
And at one point, I come in and I give Dave the business in the stomach,
literally trying
to knock him out.
I think he felt that pretty good.
And he even thought maybe a second or third time about marrying the director's
wife.
You may kiss the bride.
All right, I did it.
I married Mrs. Hal Gurney.
Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
But at what cost?
By stealing Hal's wife, you have alienated everyone on the show.
Why do you think that nobody came to your wedding?
Paul, that's not true.
Look, here's Biff Henderson, one of our stage managers.
Hi, Biff.
Dave, here's a little gift from everyone on the crew.
Oh!
Oh!
I did NBA Finals, World Series with the Yankees and others, Super Bowls.
For instance, the Super Bowls.
I remember when they were presenting the trophy to the Super Bowl champions.
As they were coming down to give it to them, I jumped out and touched it first.
I remember riding around Bullhorn and opening up the van and sometimes I would
be concerned
about getting myself into trouble or something like that.
to be honest with you, I was prepared because I was in a van and I could easily
close the
door and drive off.
Sir?
Sir?
Did you come here one minute please?
Yes, sure.
Can I do great?
Would you get me a soda?
You're on the bike.
What are you doing?
I need your business.
Now, would you get me a pretzel?
Sir, what are you waiting for?
You seem like a nice fellow.
Let's share a smoke.
Sir, on the bench, please do it for me.
Put your shirt on.
You got a crown like bacon.
You are making us sick.
I have never seen that color shirt before.
Me either.
But it was on sale.
Sadness don't walk.
You in the red skirt.
You should not be in the crosswalk.
You should be on the curb.
You too, sir.
Why come you're using that?
We only, like, two feet away from each other.
So I can make sure that you hear me, my dear.
Mr. Fireman, is there any chance I can play with the siren?
Okay, spring training with the New York Yankees.
I remember being at spring training one year and Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod, he had
this idea.
I think he was trying to improve his image or something because he had been sunbathing
in Central Park.
He wanted to know if I was and we were willing to give him some suntan lotion.
I had no problem with that.
It wasn't much fun touching A-Rod, but, you know, at any rate, you know, if it
worked, it worked.
You know, and that was the end of that.
I asked Alex Rodriguez to teach me how to become a baseball player.
He had me stretching, hitting, and fielding.
Keep your head on it.
I have no idea why he had me do this.
Dave and Paul and everybody was deciding that they were going to cut their
pants for some reason.
He seems reluctant to leave.
He seems reluctant to leave.
He seems reluctant to leave.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
This was no boating accident! This was no boating accident!
Hey! How are ya?
I had a nice pair of pants on that I really liked.
And they thought, and they said, "So, Biff, there was something about cutting
my pants."
I said, "Oh, now we're going too far. No, I'm out."
Come on! Let's cut them there and be very, very careful.
Yeah, maybe we should have sent these out.
Hi, Biff. How are you doing?
What the hell was that? What the hell was that?
Biff?
Biff?
I'm sorry. Did you quit or something?
No.
You didn't quit, did you?
I didn't know we were back with commercial.
Oh, no, no. You look like you quit.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Come on, unfinish it up.
It's anything like that.
You scared us all. You startled us all there with that thing, you know?
Be careful. Be careful.
Oh, you're all right.
Yeah, watch yourself.
All right, there.
Now, just...
That's good.
Thanks, Bill.
Thank you very much.
You want to take yours off, too?
You want to take yours off?
You can go backstage, take yours off, and then come out when you're ready, all
right?
Oh, no, cut them. We'll take care of them.
Take care of them.
What do you got?
What do you got, like million-dollar pants?
What do you mean you can't cut those?
They're not a million dollars, man.
I'll take care of them.
All right, Bill.
All right.
You know what it is.
It's the heat.
The heat's gotten everybody.
Whenever the old Mercury gets up over 70, oh.
El Diablo.
Loco Diablo.
I remember making images of myself out of different things, like post-it notes,
cheese, bubble gum,
ice sculpture, Legos, dominoes, and the one that really blew my mind was this
young man
that wanted my face tattooed on his leg.
Now, I said, people will do anything just about to get on TV.
Tell the folks about some tattoos that you have on your left leg, I believe it
is.
Well, I got four Late Show-related tattoos.
Late Show-related tattoos.
All right.
Let's take a look at them.
My first one here is the lovely marquee.
Yeah, that's the logo there.
That's the marquee.
I got, well, you, Dave.
Look at you.
Back here, I got Paul and Alan.
Oh, Alan.
It's sick.
Wow.
It's sick.
Huh.
Whoa.
Hey.
And when people see those on your body, I assume others have seen those.
Yeah.
What is the reaction?
Anywhere from amazement to I'm kind of an idiot or something like that.
Yeah.
Ryan, tonight you're going to do what, sir?
I'm going to be getting another Late Show tattoo.
Ah.
And it'll be Biff Henderson.
It'll be on the top of my leg.
Wow.
Biff Henderson.
Get him on there tonight.
And what would a tattoo like that cost you?
Uh, I don't know what Brad's right are.
All my other ones cost about a hundred bucks each.
Uh-huh.
And what will it cost to have them removed?
You look tremendous.
Thank you.
I feel good.
I feel good, Dave.
You look like a kid.
I feel good.
I feel good.
I just had the tattoos removed.
Everything went great.
So, uh, all those painful decisions I made as a young man are forgotten.
Gone.
No one has to see anything.
Do you hear that sound back there, Dave?
You hear that sound?
Yeah.
Why don't you just stick your hand in a blender?
Just do that.
It sounds the same.
Yeah.
But he has to live now with Paul and myself and Biff on his leg.
You know what?
There's so many jokes you can come up with that.
About why only on one leg?
Wouldn't you want to split that?
Wouldn't you want to split those images?
Probably got Leno on the other leg.
Oh.
Ryan, how's it going, my friend?
You close?
Uh, it looks like we're almost done.
All right, Brad, let me take a look at that if you don't mind.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow, that's, that's beautiful.
It is gorgeous.
It actually is lovely.
It's beautiful.
You know, you have a nice build, Ryan.
Well, thank you.
Uh, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
The tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, good luck in life.
Good luck to both of you.
Oh, thank you.
There was this guy who had an act in Las Vegas who claimed he could hypnotize
people.
I don't know how to explain that.
I do believe hypnotism works.
But I had a great opportunity to just relax for a while while at work.
So I, if you want to believe that, I was hypnotized, okay?
I was.
It's hypnosis night.
Sleep.
Now.
Sleep.
Now.
There he goes.
He's out like a carp now, ain't he?
Way down.
All right, now, can we make him do funny things?
Yeah, what would you like him to do?
Uh, I want, I want it, when he, uh, uh, uh, when he comes to, I just want him
just to
start laughing about how much money I make.
And it's way too much money.
Just laugh and laugh and laugh.
You got it.
On the count of three, you'll open your eyes.
The moment Dave says, "How much money do you think I make?"
It'll hit you full force and you will roar with laughter.
On the count of three, open your eyes.
Biff, feeling fantastic in every way.
One, two, three, fully aware.
Biff, how you doing?
Okay.
Do you think I do an okay job on the show?
Doing great.
Yeah.
I screw it up every now and then, though.
You know, I screw it up.
Well, it's funny.
Yeah.
But I'm, as far as you're concerned, I'm, I'm worth the money they're paying me,
right?
Yeah.
Huh?
Yeah, you're sure.
You're worth the money.
You don't think I'm getting too much money?
No.
Huh?
No, no.
Wait a minute.
What's the, what's the damn funny?
What?
I work hard for my money.
Honestly, Biff, I'm out there sweating my brains out, not getting it right out.
I, you know, if I was making like a hundred bucks a week, would that be too
much?
Okay.
Okay.
Sleep!
No way.
Oh, my goodness.
I put in a long day.
You know?
I mean, I, I know all that stuff you read in the newspaper.
You know, that's not true.
I ain't making that.
I'm really not making that much money, Biff.
The moment you open your eyes, you are Madonna in her rawest and sexiest best.
On the count of three, you're Madonna.
One, two, three, wide awake.
How are you?
Okay.
Nice to see you.
Good to see you.
Thank you very much for being on the show.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, it's good to be here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What the f*** did you just say?
I just, I said it was nice to see you and thanks for coming on the show.
Wow.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
What the f*** did you just say?
I just, I said it was nice to see you and thanks for coming on the show.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What the f*** did you just say?
I just, I said it was nice to see you and thanks for coming on the show.
Wow.
Odd, isn't it?
You all right, Biff?
Sleep.
Biff.
Biff.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Oh, man.
What happened?
You sit down.
Are you all right?
All right.
Don't sleep now.
Get him on the phone.
I'm putting Biff to sleep.
You all right, buddy?
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
All right.
I gotta do this.
All right.
All right.
Don't sleep now.
Get him on the phone.
I'm putting Biff to sleep.
You all right, buddy?
I gotta do this.
All right.
Do whatever you need to do.
The show.
All right.
Okay.
Lie down.
If you'd rather lie down, go right ahead.
I'm okay right now.
Okay.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep now.
Oh, my God.
There we go.
There we go.
Oh!
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
He's out.
He's out.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Huh?
Do what?
I do what?
Yeah, but I know we'll do the top ten.
What about this man?
What about this unconscious man here in the chair?
Screw it.
Do the top ten.
The top ten will put him even deeper under.
Is he all right?
I just feel kind of silly with an unconscious human sitting here next to me.
Huh? All right.
And then he'll be fine, right?
He looks so peaceful.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Biff, it's me, Dave.
At the count of three, you'll awaken refreshed, happy, confident,
full of wonderful feelings and thoughts,
excited by the knowledge that you're here with your friend Dave
and that our long relationship continues everything better than it ever has
been.
in every way possible for you, me and all your family.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Hey, Biff.
Come on.
Jeez.
I know.
You all right?
Just walk around a little.
Let's just get up here and walk around.
Can you get up?
Can you get up?
Yeah.
Easy, easy.
I know, I know, ladies, I know it looks like you're witnessing a crime,
but believe me, everything is fine.
Watch your step there, Biff.
You okay?
You notice, you notice how I avoided that part about the raise?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll see you next time.

Staff Favorite Moments: Biff Henderson | Letterman

Hi, I'm Beth Fenderson.
I met David Letterman in 1980 when I was assigned by NBC to the David Letterman
morning show.
And I worked the morning show, the late night show at NBC, and then when we
went to CBS
I did the late show with David Letterman there right up until the last program.
I'm very humbled with the experience over all the 30 something plus years and I
have
to be honest, I did so many different things, skits and travels in every place
all over
the world that it's hard to even remember everything.
One of the first times I remember being in any type of film, I think this was a
part of
a film festival that the show had put together, different people were doing
their films and
I think Dave's film was about him marrying the director, Howard Gurney's wife.
And at one point, I come in and I give Dave the business in the stomach,
literally trying
to knock him out.
I think he felt that pretty good.
And he even thought maybe a second or third time about marrying the director's
wife.
You may kiss the bride.
All right, I did it.
I married Mrs. Hal Gurney.
Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
But at what cost?
By stealing Hal's wife, you have alienated everyone on the show.
Why do you think that nobody came to your wedding?
Paul, that's not true.
Look, here's Biff Henderson, one of our stage managers.
Hi, Biff.
Dave, here's a little gift from everyone on the crew.
Oh!
Oh!
I did NBA Finals, World Series with the Yankees and others, Super Bowls.
For instance, the Super Bowls.
I remember when they were presenting the trophy to the Super Bowl champions.
As they were coming down to give it to them, I jumped out and touched it first.
I remember riding around Bullhorn and opening up the van and sometimes I would
be concerned
about getting myself into trouble or something like that.
to be honest with you, I was prepared because I was in a van and I could easily
close the
door and drive off.
Sir?
Sir?
Did you come here one minute please?
Yes, sure.
Can I do great?
Would you get me a soda?
You're on the bike.
What are you doing?
I need your business.
Now, would you get me a pretzel?
Sir, what are you waiting for?
You seem like a nice fellow.
Let's share a smoke.
Sir, on the bench, please do it for me.
Put your shirt on.
You got a crown like bacon.
You are making us sick.
I have never seen that color shirt before.
Me either.
But it was on sale.
Sadness don't walk.
You in the red skirt.
You should not be in the crosswalk.
You should be on the curb.
You too, sir.
Why come you're using that?
We only, like, two feet away from each other.
So I can make sure that you hear me, my dear.
Mr. Fireman, is there any chance I can play with the siren?
Okay, spring training with the New York Yankees.
I remember being at spring training one year and Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod, he had
this idea.
I think he was trying to improve his image or something because he had been sunbathing
in Central Park.
He wanted to know if I was and we were willing to give him some suntan lotion.
I had no problem with that.
It wasn't much fun touching A-Rod, but, you know, at any rate, you know, if it
worked, it worked.
You know, and that was the end of that.
I asked Alex Rodriguez to teach me how to become a baseball player.
He had me stretching, hitting, and fielding.
Keep your head on it.
I have no idea why he had me do this.
Dave and Paul and everybody was deciding that they were going to cut their
pants for some reason.
He seems reluctant to leave.
He seems reluctant to leave.
He seems reluctant to leave.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
I can't change to show.
This was no boating accident! This was no boating accident!
Hey! How are ya?
I had a nice pair of pants on that I really liked.
And they thought, and they said, "So, Biff, there was something about cutting
my pants."
I said, "Oh, now we're going too far. No, I'm out."
Come on! Let's cut them there and be very, very careful.
Yeah, maybe we should have sent these out.
Hi, Biff. How are you doing?
What the hell was that? What the hell was that?
Biff?
Biff?
I'm sorry. Did you quit or something?
No.
You didn't quit, did you?
I didn't know we were back with commercial.
Oh, no, no. You look like you quit.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Come on, unfinish it up.
It's anything like that.
You scared us all. You startled us all there with that thing, you know?
Be careful. Be careful.
Oh, you're all right.
Yeah, watch yourself.
All right, there.
Now, just...
That's good.
Thanks, Bill.
Thank you very much.
You want to take yours off, too?
You want to take yours off?
You can go backstage, take yours off, and then come out when you're ready, all
right?
Oh, no, cut them. We'll take care of them.
Take care of them.
What do you got?
What do you got, like million-dollar pants?
What do you mean you can't cut those?
They're not a million dollars, man.
I'll take care of them.
All right, Bill.
All right.
You know what it is.
It's the heat.
The heat's gotten everybody.
Whenever the old Mercury gets up over 70, oh.
El Diablo.
Loco Diablo.
I remember making images of myself out of different things, like post-it notes,
cheese, bubble gum,
ice sculpture, Legos, dominoes, and the one that really blew my mind was this
young man
that wanted my face tattooed on his leg.
Now, I said, people will do anything just about to get on TV.
Tell the folks about some tattoos that you have on your left leg, I believe it
is.
Well, I got four Late Show-related tattoos.
Late Show-related tattoos.
All right.
Let's take a look at them.
My first one here is the lovely marquee.
Yeah, that's the logo there.
That's the marquee.
I got, well, you, Dave.
Look at you.
Back here, I got Paul and Alan.
Oh, Alan.
It's sick.
Wow.
It's sick.
Huh.
Whoa.
Hey.
And when people see those on your body, I assume others have seen those.
Yeah.
What is the reaction?
Anywhere from amazement to I'm kind of an idiot or something like that.
Yeah.
Ryan, tonight you're going to do what, sir?
I'm going to be getting another Late Show tattoo.
Ah.
And it'll be Biff Henderson.
It'll be on the top of my leg.
Wow.
Biff Henderson.
Get him on there tonight.
And what would a tattoo like that cost you?
Uh, I don't know what Brad's right are.
All my other ones cost about a hundred bucks each.
Uh-huh.
And what will it cost to have them removed?
You look tremendous.
Thank you.
I feel good.
I feel good, Dave.
You look like a kid.
I feel good.
I feel good.
I just had the tattoos removed.
Everything went great.
So, uh, all those painful decisions I made as a young man are forgotten.
Gone.
No one has to see anything.
Do you hear that sound back there, Dave?
You hear that sound?
Yeah.
Why don't you just stick your hand in a blender?
Just do that.
It sounds the same.
Yeah.
But he has to live now with Paul and myself and Biff on his leg.
You know what?
There's so many jokes you can come up with that.
About why only on one leg?
Wouldn't you want to split that?
Wouldn't you want to split those images?
Probably got Leno on the other leg.
Oh.
Ryan, how's it going, my friend?
You close?
Uh, it looks like we're almost done.
All right, Brad, let me take a look at that if you don't mind.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow, that's, that's beautiful.
It is gorgeous.
It actually is lovely.
It's beautiful.
You know, you have a nice build, Ryan.
Well, thank you.
Uh, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
The tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, good luck in life.
Good luck to both of you.
Oh, thank you.
There was this guy who had an act in Las Vegas who claimed he could hypnotize
people.
I don't know how to explain that.
I do believe hypnotism works.
But I had a great opportunity to just relax for a while while at work.
So I, if you want to believe that, I was hypnotized, okay?
I was.
It's hypnosis night.
Sleep.
Now.
Sleep.
Now.
There he goes.
He's out like a carp now, ain't he?
Way down.
All right, now, can we make him do funny things?
Yeah, what would you like him to do?
Uh, I want, I want it, when he, uh, uh, uh, when he comes to, I just want him
just to
start laughing about how much money I make.
And it's way too much money.
Just laugh and laugh and laugh.
You got it.
On the count of three, you'll open your eyes.
The moment Dave says, "How much money do you think I make?"
It'll hit you full force and you will roar with laughter.
On the count of three, open your eyes.
Biff, feeling fantastic in every way.
One, two, three, fully aware.
Biff, how you doing?
Okay.
Do you think I do an okay job on the show?
Doing great.
Yeah.
I screw it up every now and then, though.
You know, I screw it up.
Well, it's funny.
Yeah.
But I'm, as far as you're concerned, I'm, I'm worth the money they're paying me,
right?
Yeah.
Huh?
Yeah, you're sure.
You're worth the money.
You don't think I'm getting too much money?
No.
Huh?
No, no.
Wait a minute.
What's the, what's the damn funny?
What?
I work hard for my money.
Honestly, Biff, I'm out there sweating my brains out, not getting it right out.
I, you know, if I was making like a hundred bucks a week, would that be too
much?
Okay.
Okay.
Sleep!
No way.
Oh, my goodness.
I put in a long day.
You know?
I mean, I, I know all that stuff you read in the newspaper.
You know, that's not true.
I ain't making that.
I'm really not making that much money, Biff.
The moment you open your eyes, you are Madonna in her rawest and sexiest best.
On the count of three, you're Madonna.
One, two, three, wide awake.
How are you?
Okay.
Nice to see you.
Good to see you.
Thank you very much for being on the show.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, it's good to be here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What the f*** did you just say?
I just, I said it was nice to see you and thanks for coming on the show.
Wow.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
What the f*** did you just say?
I just, I said it was nice to see you and thanks for coming on the show.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What the f*** did you just say?
I just, I said it was nice to see you and thanks for coming on the show.
Wow.
Odd, isn't it?
You all right, Biff?
Sleep.
Biff.
Biff.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Oh, man.
What happened?
You sit down.
Are you all right?
All right.
Don't sleep now.
Get him on the phone.
I'm putting Biff to sleep.
You all right, buddy?
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
All right.
I gotta do this.
All right.
All right.
Don't sleep now.
Get him on the phone.
I'm putting Biff to sleep.
You all right, buddy?
I gotta do this.
All right.
Do whatever you need to do.
The show.
All right.
Okay.
Lie down.
If you'd rather lie down, go right ahead.
I'm okay right now.
Okay.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep now.
Oh, my God.
There we go.
There we go.
Oh!
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?
He's out.
He's out.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Biff.
Huh?
Do what?
I do what?
Yeah, but I know we'll do the top ten.
What about this man?
What about this unconscious man here in the chair?
Screw it.
Do the top ten.
The top ten will put him even deeper under.
Is he all right?
I just feel kind of silly with an unconscious human sitting here next to me.
Huh? All right.
And then he'll be fine, right?
He looks so peaceful.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all right.
Oh, I got to hope he's all