Name: CBS Mailbag: Rupert Jee Is Dr. Meat | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-04-21T14:50:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: Rupert Jee Is Dr. Meat | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: Rupert Jee Is Dr. Meat | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-21. Transcript available.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time now to open up the old CBS mailbag. Here we go.
Letters, we get letters, we get tax and tax on the letters.
Here's what we do every Friday night, although we haven't done it for the last
Friday nights
because we had folks in from all over the country.
Started out in Indianapolis, St. Louis, Minneapolis, and then Denver.
So we haven't done this in about a month.
Every Friday night, normally, we answer the mail from you folks, the home
viewers.
You people who watch at home, who make this show possible, you know, tip of the
hat to you.
God bless you. Thank you.
And we repay that love by answering our viewer mail.
What is wrong with you? What are you looking at me like that for?
Are you in a hurry to get out of here? Huh? What's the matter? Everything all
right?
All right. Okay. Well, don't give me the skunk eye, please. I'm begging you.
You were giving me the skunk eye, weren't you? Why? Why? What have I done to
you?
I've always been nice to you, haven't I?
And by the way, that's a pretty short list of people, isn't it?
Yes. All right.
Excuse me. I had to discipline the staff.
Actual letters from actual viewers and now the ceremonial presentation of
tonight's letters.
The most annoying thing on American television. Letter number one.
Letter number one.
Letter number one.
Thank you very much.
Dear Dave, we've been listening to your audience complain about how cold it is
in the theater for years,
and we want to know how damn cold could it be, sincerely, Donna Stocks and
Frank Merriman.
Good question. We hear that harangue a lot.
Let me just show you, by way of comparison, what the temperature actually is
here.
32 degrees, of course, Fahrenheit.
That's freezing. That's when liquid freezes. Water freezes there.
Now, zero degrees. That's the temperature here in the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Zero degrees.
Now, minus 40 degrees. That's the current temperature of the Kathie Lee Frank Gifford
marriage.
That's how cold that is.
Okay.
Just that cold.
That's cold.
They'll get it worked out. Those kids will get it all worked out.
Just a misunderstanding. That's all it is.
They'll get it worked out.
Letter number two.
Letter number two.
Letter number two.
See how annoying it can be?
See what I mean when I say it's very annoying?
It's so annoying.
Hey, Mom.
It's letter number two.
Hey, Mom.
A little bit more letter number two.
That's really annoying.
Dear Dave, I've noticed that the fake city behind you has gotten progressively
more complex and realistic as the years go by.
Ben Kane, Oakville, Ontario, Canada.
Well, that's a beautiful representation of the great city of New York, and we
do.
We try to enhance it and make it more realistic.
For example, take a look at this.
Can you pull a camera in here real tight and get a nice shot of it?
Look, we've added a handsome camera.
Leave a handsome camera.
All right, pull the camera out.
Yeah.
Pull the camera out.
Pull it out.
Nice.
Hi.
Hello, kitty.
Letter number three.
Hey.
Hello, kitty.
Letter number three.
Yeah.
Hello, kitty.
You know, I'm running out of ways to make these annoying, so if you have any
you'd like to try on your own, just jump right in there.
Thank you.
All right.
One man can't be this annoying every night.
I've got my hands full trying to be as annoying as I possibly can.
That's what people want on TV.
They want to be annoyed.
And we've got the data to prove it.
We have focus groups just dying to be annoyed.
Just can't wait to be annoyed by yours truly.
Okay, number three.
Dear Dave, every morning I hate to get up and go to work.
Is that the same with you?
Sincerely, Matthew Salimo.
New Brunswick, New Jersey.
You know, I don't hate getting up and coming to work.
There is one part of my day that I dislike.
I've got to be here every morning about 6, 6.30 to get into makeup.
God, I hate it.
Watch this.
Thanks, Michelle.
You're welcome.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Paul, how's it going?
Hey, Dave.
Just great.
Not much better, is it?
That was supposed to be you there, that other guy.
I know.
I dubbed the voice.
Are you kidding?
I know.
Yeah, I know.
What a waste of time.
Okay.
All right.
Finally, ladies and gentlemen, our final and funniest letter, letter number
four, the big
one.
It's the H-bomb.
Here we go.
Here we go, everybody.
This is it.
Letter number four.
The big one.
Paul, I...
Oh, this is a big letter.
Big letter.
You're really annoying.
Thank you.
See, I was setting him up.
I was merely the setup.
Batman.
Really?
Yes.
Well, what do I do?
Tossing.
Uh-huh.
Well, then you pay it off.
Oh.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, have you ever considered being the next Batman?
Yours truly, Steve Spencer, Kingston, Ontario, Canada.
You know, it's a silly request, and of course, no, I'm not going to be the next
Batman.
You've got to be one of the top hunks of the day to be a Batman, you know what
I mean?
You could do it.
No, no, no.
You could absolutely do it.
The audience is in favor of it.
But, uh, but, uh, I understand, uh, our good friend, uh, Rupert G., the man who
owns and operates
the Hello Deli.
Really?
He has a, uh, role in the upcoming, uh, Batman movie.
Rupert?
Rupert, where are you?
Hi, Dave.
How are you?
So, Rupert, tell us a little bit about your character.
Do you have any, uh, special powers?
Well, Dave, my character is named Dr. Meat.
Uh-huh.
He's a mild-mannered deli guy by day and a supervillain by night.
Supervillain by night.
As for my special powers, let me show you.
Okay.
I am Dr. Meat.
Behold, my magic baster.
Back to you, Dave.
Rupert G., ladies and gentlemen.
It's always nice to see a guy who works around food wearing a codpiece, ain't
it?
Oh, man.
Ow.
Ah-ha.
That, that, oh!
Ah-ha.
That, that really wets the old appetite, don't it?
All right, let's close up the CBS mailbag.
We'll be right back with Jason Alexander and tonight's top ten list.