Name: Jeff Altman Loves A Good Butt Steak | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-05-03T22:58:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jeff Altman Loves A Good Butt Steak | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jeff Altman Loves A Good Butt Steak | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-03. Transcript available.

Our next guest is, uh, was seen all last month on Rodney Dangerfield's HBO
special and can be seen
in person on October 12th at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Please say
hello, folks,
to a young man who's taken far too many blows to the head, comedian Jeff Altman.
I'm real good. Nice to have you here. You look terrific.
Oh, damn, so good. What's the matter?
Do you see a little fly or a patekeech in my nose right now?
There's nothing. Sit down. There's nothing.
There's a bat! There's a big bat in my nose!
No, there's not a nose. Just sit down. There's nothing, nothing in your nose.
Sure.
Small pair of flyers.
There's a flyer, isn't there?
Oh, there's no flyers.
Yeah.
All right, you look good. You look like you just had a meal.
Just had a big meal, Dave.
What do you have?
When you go out, what do you have?
Oh, a butt steak. I'll have a 20-pound butt steak.
Just a, you know, no garnish, no fries, just a 22-pound butt steak.
Yeah, and, uh...
Yep, a butt steak.
This is the end of the cow!
Yeah, I see.
You're not talking about a flank steak that a guy would roll up or anything,
are you?
Flank?
Yeah, yeah, what would it be like?
It's a butt steak!
A big, big butt steak!
How do you like that cook?
Well, you know, a lot of the kids, I go over to the kids' house, they'll offer
me, you know,
nachos, not crap, but I don't eat that.
Just want a 22-pound butt steak!
Do you see a hamburger on the fly in my nose right now?
There's nothing in your nose, please. Just have a seat.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah. See, you had a pretty good meal.
Oh, great, great, great.
Delicious.
Yeah.
But can we get serious for a second?
Whatever you want.
Okay.
I had something very, very strange happen.
I heard about this, and I don't believe this is true.
Well, it is. If I could just take a second, I'll tell you about it.
I'm sure folks here have had somebody come to their door you didn't want,
somebody menacing, horrible.
A solicitor or something?
This was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life.
I'm getting ready to take a shower, I got a towel around my waist, knock on the
door, I open the door.
I live out in San Fernando Valley.
I crack the door like this, I'm looking at a guy dressed up completely like
Santa Claus.
What time of year was this?
This was two days ago.
Oh.
So I said, what do you want?
He goes, I have a promotional copy of my album. Here's my album.
I said, I don't want you.
He pulls it out of a sack.
I said, I don't want you. He says, oh yeah, it's me and my monkey.
Guy's dressed up like, so I think of myself, I don't want it.
I start closing the door, and as I do it, he puts the album over his head, and
like automatically, his fly unzips, and a small gibbon crawls out.
Small monkey.
A gibbon.
A gibbon.
A baby gibbon.
Not like a butt steak, is it?
Not a butt steak.
Not like a butt steak.
Is there a part on a gibbon that could be identified as a butt steak?
Well, you can have a gibbon steak.
Yeah.
Crawls out, literally crawls out, and I'm terrified.
I feel the guy, and I suddenly...
The guy's monkey climbs right out of his pants.
And I said, sure.
This is true.
I swear to God, this is true.
I swear to God, this is true.
I said, get him out of my house now.
He's in your, the monkey is in your house.
No, no, the man in the Santa Claus is standing there, and he looks in my face
and goes just like this.
Meow.
Meow.
I feel, I've got a certifiable nut here.
Now this didn't really happen.
I swear to God, I said, come on in the house, get the monkey out.
The monkey's running around urinating on furniture.
It's hard.
Okay.
All right.
He comes and he gets the guy, the monkey, the monkey, the Santa Claus.
I said, sir, if you don't get out now, I'm going to call the police.
I pick up the phone like this.
He runs into my living room and I tackled him.
His head hit the wall.
He was out like a cold.
Yeah.
I took off the beard.
Uh-huh.
It was Merv Griffin.
No.
I swear, I'm not, I have proof.
That's not true.
I have absolute proof.
Hal?
That's not true.
I have proof.
Hal, can you show this thing?
Merv Griffin.
Ooh, this is Merv Griffin.
Meow.
You know, I like to get ready for the holidays extra early each year, like
around July.
And this year's really something special because I'm releasing a new Christmas
album with my
new singing partner.
Ooh.
Anyway, a few days ago, I was out in San Fernando Valley handing out those
promotional copies
of my album.
And I approached this house.
I rang the bell.
And just as I was about to hand the album to somebody, somebody punched me out,
decked me.
Well, I was out cold.
But when I came to, there was Jeff Altman.
That is pretty strange, isn't it?
Wait, wait, wait a minute, Merv.
Just a second.
What about the monkey and coming into the house and running around and going
nuts and stuff?
Monkey?
What monkey?
The monkey that jumped out of your Santa suit.
Oh, that monkey.
Oh, I thought that belonged to you.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Meow.
Merv Griffin.
And also, what is it?
What is that noise?
What is that noise?
Oh, that noise?
Meow.
Oh, yeah.
What is that?
I don't know.
I have had that for years.
But they have that cutoff button in the control room, so the audience never
heard it.
23 years.
No one heard it?
No one ever heard it now.
Meow.
But I have to return this hat.
I promised him the rental, you know.
Thanks, Jeff.
Yeah.
Meow.
I'll be darned.
Yeah.
You and Merv there.
Oh, yeah.
You and Merv.
I couldn't believe it.
He was just out.
He was dreaming and saying things.
Watching cartoons, huh?
Watching cartoons.
So what else have you been doing in your spare time?
Yeah, I'm handling a fighter now.
I'm handling a guy who's coming along.
He's going to fight.
Yeah.
I'm handling a fighter.
His name is Leonard Moon.
Uh-huh.
And he's going to be fighting Mike Tyson soon.
Oh, he's got his hands full.
Well, he's also training to, he's going to be a baseball player.
He's training for the, to be in the Mets next year.
Uh-huh.
He's doing both at the same time.
Here is Leonard Moon.
My name is Leonard Moon and I don't have the brains of an ice cube.
Yeah.
I'm ready for Larry Holmes or even his brother, Mobile Holmes.
Uh-huh.
Pretty soon I'm writing my own book on therapy.
It's called You're Okay, I'm K.O.
Uh-huh.
Leonard Moon.
That's him.
So what, uh, where are you going for dinner?
What do you think you'll have for dinner tonight?
Well, uh, I'm going to go out and I'd like a nice, not small, I don't want a
tiny one.
I don't want anything like a little Wendy's or any of that crap.
I want a nice big book steak.
All right.
Well, uh, we got to do, what are we doing a commercial?
We'll do a commercial.
We'll be right back here with Jeff Alt.
Okay.
Where are you going to be?
Quickly.
We got to go here.
We got to go.
We got to go.
Okay.
Uh, George Miller and I are performing at the Comedy Works in Denver.
Oh, that'll be a good show.
On October the 12th.
Get those tickets now.
Have a nice weekend, folks.
One more, quick.
Levitan, Long Island.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.