Name: Dave's Mom Presents Her Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Being A Good Mother | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-05-07T19:43:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Mom Presents Her Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Being A Good Mother | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Mom Presents Her Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Being A Good Mother | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-07. Transcript available.

We're getting ready to go live via satellite to Indianapolis, the home of my
mother.
Let me tell you a couple of things about Ma.
She was just in town, I think two weeks ago, where my son goes to kindergarten.
They had grandparents' day, and it's a lovely thing.
And what they're really trying to do is squeeze some money out of the old folks.
But that's another story.
So a mom comes in and tours the kindergarten, and that was a lot of fun.
And now she's back there in Indianapolis.
And what you have to keep in mind here, when you look at this woman, shortly,
within a
couple of months, she will be 89 years old.
89 years old, I think.
And what it's come down to, after all these years, she and I used to have three
things
we could talk about.
One, the weather.
And it's not as dull as you might think, because she lives in Indiana, and
because of the prevailing
winds, most of that weather comes up the northeast to us.
Right.
So I will, you know, it's better than the Weather Channel, you know, a couple
of days in advance
what's going to happen.
That's good.
The weather.
Yeah.
Her garden.
Yeah.
She loves to garden.
All her life has been gardening, enjoys that.
Nice.
And her cat.
We used to talk about her cat.
Well, a few years ago, the cat died.
Ah.
Oh.
So now we're down to two thousands.
So tonight, what I'm going to try and do is get, and this is not prepared, a
story from
mom.
I'm going to walk her down memory lane and see if we can get some insight as to
my boyhood
and to her when she was a younger mother.
So that's what we're going to try to do here tonight.
It's in honor of Mother's Day.
Did you do the thing?
Turn on the, here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dave.
Nice to see you.
You look very nice, Mom.
Thank you.
Is that a new jacket there?
Well, I'll be honest.
No, it is not brand new.
It looks brand new.
You take nice care of it.
How old is that garment?
I have no idea.
Yeah.
Would you say it's a year old?
It's probably more like two.
Two.
So, in fact, you do have an idea.
Yeah.
Okay, Dave.
Hey, Mom, let's have some real fun.
Let's have some real fun.
Boy, your kitchen looks lovely, by the way.
Congratulations on that kitchen.
It's very nice.
Now, let's have some real fun.
You're standing by your gas stove there, right?
Right.
All right.
Now, I see the right front burner.
The right front, right there.
Put your hand on that.
Take a beat and then scream.
Go ahead.
Put it on there.
Go ahead.
Drop it right on there.
I'm not a good screamer, Dave.
No, come on, Mom.
You just set fire to your hand.
Let's hear it.
All right.
Nice.
All right.
Well, thanks for trying, Mom.
How you doing?
How's everything?
Everything's fine.
Yeah.
What'd you do today?
Activities?
Well, yes.
The TV crew is here almost all day, so we've been busy.
Well, by God, count the silverware.
Make sure you inventory all of your valuable items because they're just thieving
thugs.
You know, those bums.
You might as well have the place full of carnival workers.
No, they're really great guys.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, that's what she'll say now.
I'll talk to you later about this.
How's the weather, Mom?
It's been a beautiful day.
Sun shining, light breeze, temperature good.
How's the garden?
The garden's coming along nicely.
What kind of stuff do you have?
Well, I have garden peas.
Those are the best.
But you can't, here's my experience, is you can't plant enough peas because
they're so tasty
and they go so quickly.
You've got to have a couple of thousand acres in peas, right?
Well, not quite, but anyway, I have a couple of rows and that's fine.
Yeah, well, good for you.
And you still enjoy it.
What about tomatoes?
Is it going to be a good year for tomatoes?
It's too early for tomatoes here yet.
Not until the end of May up here.
You can't plant them until the end of May.
Well, it's middle of May here.
Oh yeah, I forgot you're in a different time zone.
That's right.
Hey, Mom, thanks for coming into town a couple of weeks ago.
I hope you had a nice time.
It was a lovely time.
Yeah.
To be with Harry and his schoolmates and then to see your garden.
And it was lovely.
Now you have five grandkids, right?
That's right.
What are their names?
One of them's, who are the kids?
One of them's named Anna Grace.
One of them's named Liam.
One of them's named Bill.
One of them's named Bryn.
And the fifth one is Harry.
Is that the rundown?
That's the rundown.
And honestly, your favorite is who?
They're all my favorites, Dave.
No, no, come on.
Oh, you know that.
That's not what you said after a couple of Bloody Marys.
No.
Now, Mom, before we get on to the top ten here, I don't want to put you on the
spot.
Do you have a story from my childhood, something fun, something exciting,
something dramatic,
or something shocking as you look back on it now in all of the years that we
were living under the same roof?
Anything stick out as a way to kind of clarify, to focus what it was like to
have a son?
Well, it was lovely to have a son, first off.
And when he was three years old, we were driving down the street, and it was,
well, there wasn't air conditioning in cars then,
so the windows were down, and we saw a car, a couple of little girls walking
along the street,
and you yelled out the window, hi, pretty girls.
Thanks, Mom.
You asked for it, Dave.
All right.
Okay, are you ready here, Mom?
Mom, the top ten list for Mother's Day, $670 million will be spent on Mother's
Day cards this year.
Here we go.
Did we open the deal, Paul?
It is open, yeah.
It is open, okay.
Top ten pieces of advice for being a good mother, and that certainly was my mom.
Top ten pieces of advice for being a good mother.
Here we go, number ten.
Even if you're not, say you're proud.
Okay, good.
Number nine.
Don't stare at the hairpiece.
Right.
Number eight.
Kids love construction sites.
Mm-hmm.
Number seven.
Lower your expectations.
Right.
Number six.
When your child won't stop crying, say, enough, David, you're 63.
Number five.
To keep baby company, how about a raccoon?
Yes, how about a raccoon?
And number four.
If he learns to shoot pool, he'll never go hungry.
That's right.
Number three.
There's no better babysitter than television.
Okay.
Number two.
No matter how much he begs, don't go to the prom with him.
Oh, right.
And the number one piece of advice for being a good mother.
Once they're 18, they ain't your problem.
There you go.
Thank you, Mom.
My mom, ladies and gentlemen.
There you are, Mom.
Thank you very much.
Happy Mother's Day.
Nice job.
Love you, Dave.
I love you, too, Mom.
There you go.
We'll be right back with Amanda Pee.
We'll be right back with Amanda Pee, everybody.
We'll be right back.