Name: Stooge Of The Night: Senators Ted Cruz, Rand Paul And More | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-05-27T15:22:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stooge Of The Night: Senators Ted Cruz, Rand Paul And More | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stooge Of The Night: Senators Ted Cruz, Rand Paul And More | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available.

Hey, Allen, what time is it?
It's time for Stooge of the Night!
Tonight's Stooge of the Night is Republican Senator Ted Cruz of Texas.
Thank you very much, Allen.
Senator Cruz voted no on gun control reform.
He recently received $14,000 in contribution from the Gun Owners of America
and the National Association for Gun Rights.
Senator Ted Cruz, there he is.
Stooge of the Night.
How about a background check on his barber?
That's all I could come up with there, Paul. I'm sorry.
No, no, we enjoyed it.
There's a senator from Texas. There he is.
Gun lobbies gave him $14,000 and then he votes no on gun control.
Let's just leave it up a little longer.
There you go, Ted.
There you are.
Hey, Ted, what are you going to do with that $14,000?
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that's our Stooge of the Night.
Tonight's Stooge of the Night is Republican Senator John Boozman of Arkansas.
There he goes right there, ladies and gentlemen.
That's Arkansas Senator John Boozman voted Bozman, I think is the pronunciation.
Yeah, Bozman.
Arkansas Senator John Boozman.
Although, really, what difference could it possibly make?
We all know it's Bozman.
Anyway, the senator voted no, no on gun reform legislation,
despite the fact that 84%, 84% of voters of his state
wanted background checks for gun buyers.
He said, nah, sorry, not close enough.
No dice.
That's John Boozman, ladies and gentlemen.
Another little thing about John Boozman,
recently shot himself in the foot while cleaning his teeth.
John Boozman.
You'll go for the Boz, you'll stay for the booze.
John Boozman.
I wonder if these guys bring their own flag
when they have these photos taken.
Everybody's got the photo of the American flag
right there by their ear.
Just leave it up there until it really gets uncomfortable.
Damn it, why?
Ruth, why they still got the damn picture up?
What, that letterman, that son of a bitch,
would it just take the picture down?
84% of the state said,
Senator, Senator, we would like
more extensive background checks for gun buyers.
Well, that's not close enough.
What do you mean 84% for God's sakes?
You're not even trying.
Honey, is the picture still up on the screen?
Let's just...
Flip it over to Leno real fast and come back and see if it's still up.
Did we call somebody about this?
Damn it, I'm a senator.
I don't need this kind of ridicule.
Tonight's Stooge of the Night
is Republican Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky.
Rand Paul of Kentucky.
Kentucky Senator Rand Paul voted no on gun reform legislation
despite the fact that 82%,
82% of the voters in his state
wanted background checks for gun buyers.
Also, 82% of the voters in his state
believe he's wearing a toupee.
82%, just not close enough for Rand.
I believe his actual name, his full name is Randy.
I believe his actual last name is Paulie.
His real name is Senator Randy Paulie.
And he's wearing a toupee.
Did he have to get a background check
before he bought that toupee?
Yeah, I don't know.
There he is right there.
We'd just like to leave this up
until somebody in Rand's house says,
Hey, Dad, your picture's still up.
You folks in Kentucky elected a toupee to the Senate.
There he is.
Would you pick him up if you saw him hitchhiking?
Tonight's Stooge of the Night
is Republican Senator Chuck Grassley, Iowa.
Hey, Chuck, how you doing?
Nice to see you, buddy.
That's Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley.
Recently voted no on gun reform legislation
despite the fact that 88% of the voters in the state
wanted background checks for gun buyers.
Voted no.
88% said, we'd like this.
Chuck said, no.
I don't think it's going to happen.
88%?
Not close enough for me, Chuck.
No, thank you.
No, it's not going to happen.
Chuck enjoys ceramics, big band music,
and his A rating from the NRA.
Oh, yeah.
Chuck Grassley right there, ladies and gentlemen.
Big, smiling face, Chuck Grassley.
88%?
No, sorry, Doris.
Call me when it's 100.
Sorry.
No.
That's barely half, said Chuck.
Why would I care about a niggling minority like 88%?
Are you kidding me?
Okay.
There he is.
There he is.
Chuck Grassley.
Mr. Pretty Boy.
Tonight's Stooge of the Night
is Republican Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.
Okay.
Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson voted no
on gun reform legislation
despite the fact that 81% of voters in his state
wanted background checks.
Ron Johnson said,
Eh, no dice.
Senator Johnson,
he has received $1.2 million
in contributions
from pro-gun lobby groups.
And as you can see,
he spent most of that money
on flagpins and hairspray.
Can you see the flagpin there, Paul?
It's just barely in there.
Hi, I was a Mr. Rogers understudy
for 14 years.
I kept waiting for the call,
but it never happened.
I'm asleep.
Honest to God,
I'm asleep, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Senator Ron Johnson.
You elected a senator who's asleep.
There he is.
That's our Stooge of the Night.
Alan?
Tonight's Stooge of the Night
is Republican Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri.
Thank you very much, Alan.
That's Missouri Senator Roy Blunt.
Senator voted no on gun reform legislation
despite the fact that 85% of the voters in his state
said that they did want background checks
for gun buyers.
Roy Blunt said,
eh, sorry, not close enough.
Senator Blunt received a record $1.6 million
in contributions from pro-gun lobby groups.
$1.6 million from pro-gun lobby groups.
But to be fair,
half of that was Confederate money.
That's Blunt.
Senator Roy Blunt.
Blunt like the object he must have been hit in the head with
to disregard 85% of his voters.
Roy Blunt.
Get a good look at him.
The smile that just keeps on smiling.
He's from Missouri.
Senator Roy Blunt.
Possibly related to Howdy Doody.
We don't know.
85% said, you know, Senator,
we would like some background checks.
And he said, don't bother me now.
I'm smiling.
Tonight's stooge of the night
is Republican Senator Rob Portman of Ohio.
Thank you very much, Alan.
Yes, it's Senator Rob Portman.
He voted no on gun reform legislation
despite the fact that
83% of the voters in his state
Let me repeat that.
83%
Almost half
of the voters in his state
wanted background checks for gun buyers.
Wanted background checks for gun buyers.
Rob Portman took a look at the data and said,
Eh, no dice.
83%
Senator Portman
has received $1.3 million
in contributions
from pro-gun lobby groups.
Hi, I'm Rob Portman.
Why don't you send the wife over
for a free cup of ammo?
There he is.
That's him.
Right there.
He's putting the O in Ohio.
Senator Rob Portman.
Rob Ohio Portman.
Rob Boom Boom Portman.
Tonight's stooge of the night
is Republican Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky.
Yeah.
Kentucky Senator Rand Paul,
we're very excited about this.
he is our first two-time recipient
of stooge of the night.
This is the second time
he has been thusly honored.
Senator Paul recently claimed
there is no doubt
that President Obama
and his anti-gun pals at the UN
are plotting against
the United States Constitution.
After he said that,
he got back on his flying saucer
and returned to his home planet.
Rand Paul, ladies and gentlemen.
There he is.
Once again,
he's our first-time double winner
on stooge of the night.
Just a reminder
to you folks in Kentucky,
that's right,
you people elected a toupee.
Did you know that?
Were you aware of that?
That is some hairpiece,
ladies and gentlemen.
Talk about a filibuster
on your head.
Good-looking guy.
Good-looking guy.
Senator Rand Paul,
two-time recipient
of stooge of the night.
Tonight's stooge
is Senator James Inhofe,
Republican from Oklahoma.
That's right.
James Inhofe voted no
on gun control.
He said the families
of Newtown shootings
had nothing to do
with the debate
on gun control,
only thought they did
because they were told
so by President Obama.
There he is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our stooge of the night,
James Inhofe.
Let's just leave that up there
a little longer.
No,
they have nothing to do.
He's awfully handsome.
And he's our
stooge of the night.
Tonight's stooge of the night
is Republican Senator
John Hoven
of North Dakota.
Okay,
thank you very much,
Alan.
You know a lot of people
say to me,
Dave,
should you really
be calling these
men and women
congressmen,
senators,
the Republicans,
Democrats,
should you really
be calling them stooges?
And I say,
after thinking about it
for some time,
I say,
yes.
Okay.
Yep,
North Dakota Senator
John Hoven
is our stooge of the night.
Here's why.
He voted no,
no on what, Dave?
Well,
on gun reform legislation.
Now listen to this.
People might say,
well, you can vote yes,
you can vote no,
but yes,
listen to this.
He voted no
on gun reform legislation
despite the fact
that viewers
from his state,
viewers,
voters from his state,
94% of the voters
wanted background checks
for gun buyers.
94% said they wanted them.
Senator Hoven said,
hmm,
not close enough.
Not close enough.
Why can't these goons
make up their minds,
he said.
No one knows
what that means.
But there he is,
ladies and gentlemen.
Let's just take a second
to ponder the mustache,
shall we?
It's a beauty.
Dave,
should you really be calling
these men and women
stooges?
You know what?
I've given it
considerable thought.
High.
Yes.
The answer is yes.
Take it away, Alan.
Hey, fans.
We'll see you next time
on Stooge of the Night.