Name: Brian Regan Isn't Sure How To Measure His Girth | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-06-17T21:59:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brian Regan Isn't Sure How To Measure His Girth | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brian Regan Isn't Sure How To Measure His Girth | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-17. Transcript available.

Our next guest is a very funny comedian
who is making his first appearance with us tonight.
You can also see this man at work
at the Comedy Works in Denver
October 11th through the 15th.
Good gig.
How about a nice big hand, ladies and gentlemen,
for Brian Regan.
Brian.
Thanks.
Wow.
Hey.
I appreciate that.
You all seem great.
I, uh...
I'm in the middle of moving.
I'm feeling kind of weird.
I called UPS, you know,
to ask them to pick up some boxes.
They're a good service,
but you have to have information ready for them
before you even call them.
I had no idea, you know.
I called them up.
Yeah, I've got 10 boxes if you come pick them up.
We need to know the weight and the girth.
Well, I don't know what the weight is,
and I don't know what girth means.
And the guy talks to me like I'm four years old.
Well, do you have a bathroom scale?
Yeah, but if I put the box on a scale,
it's gonna cover up the numbers!
What, do I take it off really quick?
Ah, zero, not fast enough!
What the hell's he talking about?
And he gives me like this Mr. Wizard formula.
How about if you stand on the scale
and weigh yourself?
Get off the scale, pick up the box,
get back on,
weigh you in the box together
and subtract your own weight.
I'm going slow down!
Hold on, professor!
I know this guy's never tried this,
because I tried it,
and you still can't see the numbers!
What am I, like...
I gotta be like Mr. Olympia, you know?
Three pounds!
Then I had to just hang up in the middle of his girth for him.
I don't know what he was talking about.
He kept telling me how easy it was.
The girth is actually very simple to figure out.
All you do is you take the length
and you double that by the smaller of the height.
Okay, I gotta go!
Get another call!
Yeah, I'm too stupid to talk to you!
So I figured I would just call back, you know,
and just make up some numbers.
Let them come out and pick them up.
If it's wrong, I'll pay the difference, right?
So I called back,
yeah, I've got ten boxes.
No, I'm another guy.
Yeah, and they'll weigh exactly 22 pounds,
and they'll have a girth of...
three.
Three.
Three what?
Three girth units!
Come pick them up, please!
I'm begging you!
They're boxes!
What you gotta know, man?
Big boxes with tape on them.
And I try to get my phone turned on.
I'm standing at a friend's house,
and I call the phone company.
Hey, uh, yeah, can you turn on my phone?
Okay, it's gonna be a problem.
I figured.
How big?
It's just gonna be a big nightmare.
Alrighty.
Nothing's easy.
It's different than I thought, though.
I ask them, I say,
hey, how does it work?
You know, do I have to wait in my apartment
for a couple days
for the phone people to come out?
No, we do it differently now.
We can just flip the switch from right here.
Oh, great.
Can you go ahead and flip it?
We're gonna flip it next Thursday.
Then I go to buy a refrigerator.
This apartment I found had no refrigerator,
so I had to go buy a refrigerator.
I don't know what to look for.
I go to the appliance store.
There's like 600 of them lined up.
You got the salesman.
What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators?
Well, you got this refrigerator right here.
This keeps our food cold for 600.
You got this one right here.
This keeps our food cold for 800.
Check this out.
1,400 keeps our food cold.
So he starts showing me all the stuff in this one.
And the guy showed me,
I'm not making this up,
he showed me the egg area.
Like I'd never seen it.
Look, it has an egg area right there, you know?
Like you come back with some eggs,
you can take all your eggs,
you can put them right there in the egg area,
that way you know where your eggs are at.
Oh, I like that, you know?
Because I like eggs.
And if I know they're in an area,
I don't waste half my day hunting through the fridge.
Yeah.
Then he starts showing me the butter flap.
Look, you got a butter flap.
Like you put your butter in there.
Look, it says butter in cursive.
Hey, what's the girth on that baby?
That's it for me.
Thank you all very much.
Hi, Brian.
Brian Regan.
Very, very funny.
Nice to meet you.
Brian Regan, man.
I'll be right back with hands and feathers.
Thank you.