Name: CBS Mailbag: What Happened To Dave's Top Ten List? | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-06-23T14:43:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: What Happened To Dave's Top Ten List? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CBS Mailbag: What Happened To Dave's Top Ten List? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-23. Transcript available.

okay now here's what we do we read the letters letter number one begins dear dave
holy crap
letterman holy crap of course is if you're just joining us it's my little
trademark oh you have
a trade yeah it's my little signature it's my it's my little hook you know i
remember that yeah holy
crap whenever i find something hard to believe i just holy crap and it's stuck
it's worked out
pretty well yeah yeah yeah that's my little trigger that's my little signature
right there
what are some other show business signatures paul uh oh don yeah that was jack
that's right i guess i guess in a matter of speaking that was one yeah hey sir
right
don wilson and jack ben exactly that's what yeah okay uh dear dave holy crap
letterman do you play
any sports a loyal fan uh tim harada harada hara hara hara hara hara haver montana
uh you know what
uh i love with those x games you folks watch the x games man i love that
i love the extreme sports you know they have have the extreme skating and the
the extreme
softball and the extreme you know bowling and stuff and so um i've come up with
a little thing it's
called uh it's not really a sport but i'm sure it'll catch on just like that
holy crap thing has caught on
it's in extreme beveraging and it's what you do is uh you have a like a i have
a little beverage in
here and i don't believe there's a man woman or child alive today who doesn't
enjoy a tasty beverage
this is this is normal beveraging just like right here okay all right now here
here now is extreme
beveraging one two three here we go extreme
letter number two dear dave did you give paul a hundred dollars to shave his
head sincerely dwayne
bentz rushmore minnesota it's funny paul was nice enough and i think it looks
great to shave his head
for our thousandth show a couple of months ago and i don't i didn't give money
i never give money in
fact it's a little known i don't think people paul receives no salary no
paycheck no compensation
whatsoever am i right paul well right you are dave but i'll tell you something
you folks at home
could make 1998 a record-breaking year here at the paul schaefer pay my salary
telethon
yeah thank you thank you gentlemen and lady of course our goal here is five
thousand dollars and so
far we haven't received any donations but the night is young and tonight i'm
telling you we've got great
tote bags and mugs and we're going to be showing the three tenors in just a
second so
let's make those phones light up and uh there here's a phone call right i'll
take this one julia
hi paul schaefer's pay my salary telethon would you like to make a pledge paul
i'm a big fan my
family loves your work oh that's so sweet how uh how much would you like to
donate tonight well i'm
going to send you a check for ten dollars great ten dollars well that's
fabulous because i'll have
no problem feeding my eleven children with ten dollars keep it you trap
certainly looks like you'll be
hitting that goal in no time we can only hope so thank you that was our little
uh was our little
telephone skit right there that's obligatory at some point i thought it went
pretty well didn't you
what are you gonna do i know what are you gonna do i did what i could do yeah i
know you did everything
you don't blame yourself uh letter number three dear dave i was wondering if
you ever ate at a
restaurant where you were shocked by the amount of the check uh best regards uh
don uh silvas uh
bartlesville oklahoma uh you know i guess in in its own way it's a pretty good
question and uh
i don't think so i don't think that i've ever been really shocked by the amount
of the check i was
talking to our q card kid uh tony big inc mendez tony now you were telling me
you in fact by all means
remain squatting uh you you told me that you had been in a restaurant where
they brought you the
check at the end of your meal and you were stunned is that is that right did
that happen to me
the following comedy piece contains nudity adult language and graphic violence
eighty dollars you gotta be kidding me
i don't get that
you get that well shock him
shock him shock him shock him yeah yeah thanks tony i'm not sure i get it but
thanks
people young and old the like seem to enjoy it
uh hey dave what do you do with those blue cards on your desk uh what do they
actually say justin
chan west chester pennsylvania the question is uh what do those blue cards uh
on your desk actually
say well uh we print uh some of them this is like your letter uh justin is on
this blue card and some
of them for example tell us uh who's going to be on the show and uh we should
have one here that's uh
the top 10 list oh damn what what happened gin um you don't have the uh thing
do you no no okay i'll
i'll be i'm sorry i gotta go i'll be right back i gotta get the thing with the
top ten let's
do
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a kitty if i had a kitty that's now you understand what i'm saying yeah top 10
things
my kitty would say i don't i don't have a kitty but if i had a kitty
top 10 things it would say if it could talk a talking kitty a talking kitty but
i don't have
one right if i did and it talked
you know cater here we go number 10 get me out of this princess leia costume
number nine
can't we watch nightline for a change number eight all i ask is that you re-fang
me and give
me five minutes alone with socks
number seven when you wear your leather collar we look like twins
number six me now and forever number five i am not a hand puppet number four
you understand i don't have a kitty
uh number four you look like something i should be covering with sand number
three
please stop suction cupping me to your car window number two you should line my
litter box
with some of those top 10 lists ouch and the number one thing my kitty would
say if it could
talk i'm spade what's your excuse well there you go