Name: Emo Philips Has Self Destructive Tendencies | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-06-24T20:19:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Emo Philips Has Self Destructive Tendencies | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Emo Philips Has Self Destructive Tendencies | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-24. Transcript available.

My next guest tonight is a very unusual comedian, not only is this his network
television debut,
but he says that it is also the first time he's ever been out of his house.
He'll be appearing this week at the Richmond Comedy Club in Richmond, Virginia.
Please welcome now, Mr. Emo Phillips.
Thank you, David. Thank all of you. Glad you're in a good mood. I'm in a good
mood, too.
I had quite a laugh today at the expense of the service station attendant.
He was attempting to scrape the bird droppings off my windshield, and I never
let on that they were on the inside.
So, oh, yeah. Found a wallet today on 47th Street, and I was going to keep it
rather than return it,
but I thought if I lost $100, how would I feel?
I realized that I would want to be taught a lesson.
So, I kept it, yeah.
I went to confession today at St. Patrick's, although I'm not Catholic.
I go every now and then.
I say, bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I'm just in here to develop film.
And, uh...
Oh, he hates that.
Yeah.
I'm religious. You could probably tell, huh?
Yeah.
I used to pray every night when I was a kid for a new bicycle,
and then I realized the Lord in his wisdom doesn't work that way,
so I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Uh...
I got it.
Yeah, I had a nice childhood.
I had a very close relationship with this other kid.
I was his imaginary friend.
Yeah.
I'd be in my backyard minding my own business.
The other kids would call me names, you know, like Pukeface or Neo-Calvinist,
and I'd run after them.
But lucky for them, the chain would snap my neck back,
and, uh...
And they would escape.
Yeah.
Remember, once...
School was fun.
Once we were taking a test,
and I was copying this other kid's paper.
I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine.
And, uh, she said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?"
I said, "Oh, yes and no."
And, uh...
She sends me to the principal, and I sit down, and he says, "Emo, emo, emo."
I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken bum."
You know, and, uh, he said, "How would you like to repeat the fifth grade?"
I said, "Well, I don't know if I can do it exactly, but, uh, I'll give it a try."
And he says, "You know, I could expel you."
I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, you know, you weirdo."
And, uh, and, uh, and he says, "Emo, you have to go to the school psychologist."
And, uh, I said, "Why do I have to go to this psychologist?"
So he shows me the petition.
And, uh, uh, I, uh, I go to this guy, he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot
look like to you?"
I said, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing."
He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly.
What does it look like to you?"
I said, "Well, to me, it looks like standard pattern number three in the Rorschach
series
to test obsessive compulsiveness," you know.
And, uh, he gets kind of depressed.
I said, "Okay, it's a butterfly."
You know, and he cheers up.
He says, "What does this inkblot look like?"
I said, "Well, it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the
souls of men
into a vortex of sin and degradation."
He, uh, I said, "No, the inkblot's over there.
That's a photo of my wife you're looking at."
Uh, so I said, "Was I far off?"
He said, "No, that's the tragedy."
And, uh, he said, "Emo, you've been such a good boy.
I want you to have this chocolate Easter bunny on me."
I said, "I'll slip off."
He said, "Well, try it anyway, tiger."
So I, I ate the chocolate bunny, and I said, "Wait a second.
Was this a test?"
He says, "Yeah."
I said, "What does it mean?"
"Well, had you eaten the ears first, you would have been normal."
"Had you eaten the feet first, you would have added inferiority complex."
"Had you eaten the tail first, you would have had latent homosexual tendencies."
"Had you eaten the breasts first, you would have had latent oedipal complex."
"Ha, ha, it'll all go on."
"What does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream, 'Stop staring at me?'"
You know.
And, uh, you know.
And he says, "Well, it shows you have a tendency towards self-destruction."
I said, "What do you recommend?"
He says, "Go for it, baby."
Uh, so, there you go.
Thank you.
You folks have been wonderful.
You've really cheered me up.
I needed cheering up.
I, I, I loaned a friend of mine $8,000 for plastic surgery, and, uh, now I don't
know
what he looks like.
Uh, so, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Emo.
Nice to see you.
Very, very funny.
Very unusual.
Very different.
Nice to have you here.
What does, uh, the name Emo mean?
Can I ask you that?
It's, it's my Christian name.
Yeah.
My Buddhist name.
Uh, no, that's, it's my name.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
You don't need to apologize.
I think you're probably the first one we've had on named Emo.
No.
Nice to see you.
Yeah.
When this country plays Iran, you know, uh, you'll be able to.
It's a pleasure to be indoors.
Thank you.
How do you like being in New York?
Have you been here much?
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
I like it.
I was at the library though.
The guy's very rude.
Oh.
Yeah.
He says, you have to prove you're a citizen of New York.
You know.
So I stabbed him.
And, uh, he gave it to me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was running through Central Park, you know, and I had an asthmatic attack.
Uh, these three asthmatics jumped me.
Uh, I know I should have heard him hiding.
Um.
We'll be right back, folks.
Emo Phillips.
Emo, thank you very much for being here.
Thank you, David.
Thank you, David.
You'll be in, uh, Richmond.
Thank you.
And come back and see us, sir.
Uh, also my thanks to Tom Savini, Cheryl Teagues, uh, Larry, uh, Paul, and of
course,
Bill Wendell.
We'll see you folks tomorrow night.
Have a nice evening.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.