Name: Viewer Mail: What's Really In Dave's Coffee Mug? | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-07-07T15:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: What's Really In Dave's Coffee Mug? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: What's Really In Dave's Coffee Mug? | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Okay, it's viewer mail night, ladies and gentlemen. This is the night we answer
our viewer mail.
These are actual letters from actual viewers. Let's get right to it, shall we?
Gee, I hope the fruit was on time tonight.
Dear Dave, what's the best way to stop hiccups?
Sincerely, Pete Mora, St. Paul, Minnesota.
Yeah, you get the fruit on time. That's right, ma'am.
P.S. I'm sorry I can't afford stationery, Pete tells us.
Well, Pete, there is only one way to stop hiccups, and it's the old stationery
method,
and what you're going to do is have to get at least 2,200 pounds of off-white
thank-you notes
right back when you get them, and we'll explain further.
That didn't work properly, did it? I don't know why.
Dear Dave, letter number two begins,
I applied to New York University, and I was accepted.
Yet even after being given a generous amount of financial aid, I was unable to
afford NYU.
Now, Dave, I don't mean to moan or complain, but I am the youngest of seven.
My father is retired, and I'm putting myself through, but work as I might,
there is never enough money.
But you have money, Dave.
Couldn't you spare a little money?
Say $2,000 or $3,000 a year to help a would-be writer achieve her dream.
Sincerely, Laura A. Quinn.
Laura, you know, I really do understand your situation, and I wish I could help.
Unfortunately, although NBC does compensate me for my work, professional
expenses consume virtually my entire salary.
Let's take a look at this chart recently prepared by my accountant.
And I won't bore you by outlining the entire chart, but just take a look at a
couple of these entries here on it.
As you can see, belts, $18,000.
Rubber cement, that's now welding, brazing, and soldering, $17,000.
Oh, now here's another big one.
Magnets, $26,000.
Hot waxing, invisible reweaving, $10,000 for invisible reweaving.
Tongs, of course, a minor expense, $6.77.
A couple of gifts to Douglas Kiker, $12,000.
Sacrifices to Ball, $34,500.
And then there was that Connie Chung nuisance suit for $8,800.
So, I'd love to help, but there's nothing I can do.
This brings us to letter number three.
Dear Dave, this man must be stopped.
His plan is to take over the world and make us all look and dress like he does.
We've tried to stop this evil, but have failed.
You are our last hope.
Please save us.
Ken Cole, Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Frankly, some of this mail is just stupid.
Here we are slandering a perfectly nice man just for the sake of what?
A stupid joke.
We don't even know who this man is, and all of a sudden, we're making a joke
out of him.
Paul, do you know who this guy is?
Have you ever seen this man before?
Any idea?
Yes, Dave!
That is Mr. Roland Pastel, our beloved and trusted leader.
All hail the leader!
You were doing a little character, weren't you?
Mr. Roland, that's just one of the many nutty characters that I do.
That's a character named Mr. Roland Pastel.
Well, it was very nice.
Nicely done, Paul.
Thank you.
You gave that part a little extra something that I didn't anticipate.
You didn't know I did characters.
No, I knew you did characters.
Do a little of your wimpy guy.
What's his name?
Oh, the wimpy guy.
Yeah, do just a second of your wimpy guy.
Well, yes.
Okay, there you go.
That's the wimpy guy?
That's the wimpy guy.
We haven't got characters.
Letter number four begins,
Dear Dave, my favorite way to watch your show every night
is to strip down of my underwear and open a nice cold beer.
Keith Klamer, Hollywood, California.
I know, I know, Keith, and we've been getting a lot of complaints,
and I'm afraid you're going to have to go.
Boys, will you bounce him?
Every time.
Letter number five begins,
Dear Dave, please settle an argument my son and I are having.
He is convinced your coffee cup contains rum and Coke,
while I, on the other hand,
knowing how well you control yourself and the show,
oh, yeah,
am convinced there is only coffee in the coffee cup.
Sincerely, the Fallon family.
Oh, this letter was a family project.
That's nice.
Let's see.
Well, you know, we do, folks there in Virginia,
Burke, Virginia, we do.
We get that question a lot.
People want to know what's in the coffee cup.
And, Bill, I tell you what,
why don't you tell the folks what is in the coffee cup?
Glad to, Dave.
It's a hearty bean and barley soup,
made with choice Kansas Navy beans
and golden spring barley corn from America's heartland.
And vegetables,
high in vitamins and nutrients,
to help give Dave strong bones and teeth,
and the extra energy he needs to stay on top.
Plus, rich Canadian beef stock broth
with extra protein to give Dave's hair extra shine.
But that's not all.
Also, try methyl polyglycol,
a new hybrid chemical additive
to help slow the aging process.
Yes, all the ingredients needed
to ensure that America gets the most out of
David Letterman
tonight and every night.
Dave?
Well, thank you very much, Bill.
Certainly a nice job there.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
We have a wonderful television program for you.
Jay Leno is here,
also Gil DeRadner,
and plenty of other stuff
to keep you glued to your set.
We'll be right back.