Name: Viewer Mail: Dave's Unbelievably Stupid Letters From Viewers | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-07-28T15:31:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave's Unbelievably Stupid Letters From Viewers | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: Dave's Unbelievably Stupid Letters From Viewers | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-28. Transcript available.

Well, David, I got a new way of like checking out a girl when you first meet
her to find out what she's really like.
I say, I just come up to her and I say, do you, do you like David Lee Roth from
that band Van Halen?
Yeah, you say that too.
Yeah, and if, and if, when she says, oh, I think he's really funny, he's got a
great sense of humor, I say, nice seeing you.
That's a new, new thing I have.
Is that kind of a put down?
No, I love David, actually. I love the way he jumps.
Speaking of show business, and we're talking about show business, remember
Morgan Fairchild, she's written a book, if you want to be in show business, on
how to do things properly, and one of which you have to learn how to smile
downward.
And I received a letter from Debbie, Jeff and Debbie from Hodson, by the way,
Jeff and Debbie Hodson from somewhere in Louisiana.
We lost the envelope, sorry.
They sent me this photograph. This is their dog.
And as you can see, the dog has perfected the downward smile.
Now, let's compare that downward smile to the one that Morgan has perfected,
and let's see if we can get a shot of the two of them together.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
You have to do that if you're going to be in show business.
We have a wonderful show for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's get right, oh, let me, I forgot something.
Drop the calendar down, if you will.
And, uh...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, sir, Reeve.
We're not kidding around anymore.
That was neat, wasn't it?
Was it?
I like that.
Remember in the beach party movies, when something like that would happen, they'd
say,
wasn't that...
Nah.
Okay.
Let's get on with our viewer mail for tonight.
This is the night we set aside to answer our voluminous viewer mail.
Letter number one begins,
David.
I enjoy your show very much.
However, I am curious about why you ask Paul Schaefer about anything.
He is an excellent musician, loaded with talent, and pretty darn funny in his
own right.
However, whenever you ask him for answers to almost any question, invariably,
he'll say,
I don't know.
Watch some past programs of yours, and you'll see he says, I don't know a lot
fondly.
Sandy Marcus Julen from Chicago, Illinois.
Chicago.
Paul, isn't Chicago the capital of Illinois?
Well, the capital of Illinois is Springfield.
But I can't show up my pal Dave on national TV.
Uh, I don't know, Dave.
Why would you ask him?
Why would you ask him?
Uh, all right.
Uh, here we are.
Let's go on to letter number two.
Dear Dave, how come you never read an entire letter when you read viewer mail?
I think that taking things out of context is a major problem in today's society.
If I were to say Barry Hatchett is an illiterate fool, you could circle that
part of my letter
and make me look pretty dumb.
Then people might begin to think that Barry Hatchett is a dumb guy, and nothing
could be
further from the truth.
Next thing you know, my friends are whispering to each other, boy, Barry is
really innocent.
I think I have made my point.
Putting people out of context can be extremely dangerous.
It might make your viewers think that people like Barry Hatchett are stupid.
And it's signed, your pal, Barry Hatchett.
Well, Barry, I guess we think that maybe reading the entire letter would take
up too much time.
Dear Dave, letter number three begins cheerfully enough.
We were just watching your October 3rd program in which you called Nancy, the
children's librarian
from Farmington, and offered her a Sony TV if she would call off her TV boycott.
We are but poor college students and are forced to view your show on a tiny 12-inch
black-and-white television set.
We were just wondering, since you couldn't decide what to do with the Sony, if
maybe you could give it to us
so we could enjoy your show to the fullest.
Hopefully, Ben Bradshaw, Steve Stovall, and Jeff Garrison from Abilene
Christian University in Texas.
Well, this is not a bad idea.
It is the holiday season now, and it might be pretty nice to give away that
remote-controlled Trinitron color TV
with the 26-inch screen.
Let me just check for a second and see if we even have it around backstage.
It's beautiful.
It's a console-model television.
It's just enormous.
And if it's available, I, uh, oh, yeah.
Well, here is the TV, and, uh, we really don't seem to be using it, so as far
as I'm concerned,
you guys can have the brand-new color TV.
Hey, you can't take this TV, Dave.
I'm using it as a doorstop.
Doorstop for that door right over there?
Yeah.
Well, that door already has a doorstop.
But it might break someday.
Well, then you just go to the shop and get another one.
All the way down the hall?
Oh, yeah.
I see what you mean.
I'm sorry, guys.
Can't possibly give that up.
Maybe we can have Phil come out again.
Where are we, by the way?
Letter number?
Letter number four.
Thank you, Hal.
Dear Dave, why is it that every night you come out and say that you're going to
have a great show,
but usually I fall asleep before Paul can ingratiate himself?
Joe, Joe Santella, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.
P.S.
Do I get a T-shirt for this?
Gee, I don't know.
Let me, let me check the viewer mail gift chart, see if you are eligible for a
T-shirt.
Okay, here's how we have it broken down.
If you submit to us a viewer mail at Witty, Brilliant, and Profound, you're
going to Hawaii.
If it's amusing and insightful, you get the dream date with Phoebe Cates.
Moderately funny, the stainless steel flatware.
Produces a smile, you get the T-shirt, marginal, cup and sponge.
On down to totally stupid, you get caustic drain cleaner.
Gee, I, you know, I don't know if you're going to get the T-shirt because it
only goes down to totally stupid.
Well, here we are at letter number five.
Dear Dave, what is that thing on your desk?
It looks like a giant silver cold capsule.
Sincerely, Fred Scottles, University of Texas.
I think Fred is probably referring to this device right here.
You know, frankly, I'm really not sure what it is, but there is kind of an
interesting story behind this.
And I remember the day it arrived.
What is this thing here?
Never mind, Dave.
Just leave it there.
Don't touch it, Dave.
No.
Okay.
My first guest tonight is a talent comedian and actor.
We started out good, you know.
We started out strong.
Listen.
I had nice feelings about this whole show.
We started out really hot.
It's a fabulous show.
A thing like that, you know, we don't necessarily understand it.
It makes us laugh, and we go with it, you know.
Well, now, we know we don't understand it, but you don't need to call attention
to the fact that we don't understand it.
No, my point was that it's just funny.
It's funny for some unknown nutty reason, and we go with it, and we slide into
the show.
And just keep moving.
Yeah.
So your advice in this case would just keep moving.
Yeah.
Just keep moving.
So far, no, we're off to a great, great start.
We are.
Fabulous.
All right, we're off to a great start, ladies and gentlemen.
That's the assessment here in the studio.
We're going to pause here for a couple of minutes and hose down the audience
with crushed ice.
We'll be back.
Our first guest tonight is Phil Donahue.