Name: Dave Attell Makes His Network Television Debut | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-08-26T20:05:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Attell Makes His Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Attell Makes His Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-26. Transcript available.

I'm glad you folks are in a great mood tonight because our next guest is making
his network television debut with us,
and it's a big night certainly for us as well as he.
He will be appearing this weekend at Stand Up New York, located right here in
the city.
What, no, Pittsburgh? Stand Up New York? Pittsburgh?
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a funny man, Dave Attell.
Dave!
How are ya?
Thank you very much.
You know, I'm just glad to be here, and I'm glad that airline strike is over,
huh?
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Flying to me is boring.
Oh, yeah.
You gotta make it fun.
Here's a fun thing to do when you're flying.
When the guy next to you falls asleep, put your life vest on, your oxygen mask,
and yell,
We're going down!
You'll definitely get the armrest after that.
One time I flew to Australia.
It takes like two days to get there, and when you get there, it's earlier than
when you left.
When I landed, I called my house.
I picked up the phone.
I'm talking to myself.
I'm back in town.
I'm hanging out with my family, you know, my dad.
You know when you're young, you think your dad's Superman, and then you grow up,
and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape, and...
My dad was in the Navy, you know, so he's got these stories, you know,
but he always mixes them up with other stories, so you never know what he's
talking about.
He's like,
One time we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting
hand-to-hand,
and then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
He's always giving me advice, you know.
He's like,
"Dave, you can't judge a man until you walk in his shoes."
When do you walk in another man's shoes?
Bowling.
It's the only time, right?
I got some problems, yeah.
No, I'm going bald, yeah.
I think it's the shampoo I'm using, it's called Free Sample, and, uh...
I got it in the mail, I, uh...
Going bald wouldn't be so bad if there was a reason for it, like...
Let's say, under your hair, written on your head, are prizes.
Like a scratch-off game, then you can win something when you go bald.
You'd want to go bald to see what you won, right?
All right, I'm bald, what did I win?
What is that, large fries?
All right!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Hey, shave my back, I'm in it to win it, come on!
Clothes are another thing I don't understand, yeah.
I went clothes shopping with a friend of mine, he bought a pair of overalls.
He's like, "Dave, what goes with this?"
I don't know, they're overalls, I guess a banjo, I don't know, uh...
I know it doesn't go with overalls, jobs and women, all right?
He's my friend, he's not my best friend, there's a difference.
A friend's a guy who will help you move.
A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body, that's how I look at it.
That's hard to find on a holiday, oh yeah.
He talked me into hitchhiking once, yeah.
Hitchhike, that's the way to see America, huh?
Bound and gagged in the trunk of a lunatic's car.
If you get in the car and the guy says, "Don't you love this song?"
And there's no radio, you got a problem.
All right, let's see what the next topic is.
Sex.
All right.
I was on a date with this really hot model.
Just play along, all right?
It wasn't really a date date, you know.
We just ate dinner, saw a movie, then the plane landed, but...
Don't you ever wish you could have sex with the first person you ever had sex
with again?
Just to show them how good you got at it?
I thought so.
Yeah.
I don't know.
They got these sex stores in Manhattan, right?
I went into one, right?
I bought two pairs of edible underwear.
I always buy two, 'cause I usually eat one on the ride home.
It's a weird town here, and it's very violent.
You watch the news, it's all violence.
They should let the mafia do the news, 'cause they know what's gonna happen
anyway.
I don't know what's gonna happen anyway.
A man was shot several times tomorrow.
There will be no witnesses.
The lottery numbers are 16, 32, 8, 9, 12.
And let's say, uh, five.
Congratulations, Vincenzo.
Again.
Thank you very much.
Have a good hour.
Very funny.
Really very nice.
Thank you very much.
We're gonna pause again.
We'll be right back here, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Apal.
Okay, you were great.
Thank you.
Nice job.
Very, very funny, Dave.
And come back.
Please come back and see us.
Anytime.
All right, sir.
Thank you very much.
My thanks also to, uh, Taylor Dain, who will be with us every night now.
And, uh, Bryant Gumbel.
Tomorrow, Penn & Teller, Dwight Yoakam, and Gabriel Byrne have a wonderful
Thanksgiving.
We'll see you tomorrow night.
Good night, everybody.