Name: Paul Mooney Doesn't Think Barack Obama Will Be President | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-09-02T18:21:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Mooney Doesn't Think Barack Obama Will Be President | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Mooney Doesn't Think Barack Obama Will Be President | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-02. Transcript available.

Our next guest is a talented writer, actor, and comedian.
His new comedy DVD is entitled
Know Your History, Jesus Was Black, So Was Cleopatra.
It's in stores now. Here's the very funny Paul Mooney.
How you doing?
Was that music for me?
I believe so, yeah.
That's insane.
How you doing? How was your trip in?
Did you come in from California to be here?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was very, very...
I want to tell all white people to stay away from the airport.
Really?
Was there trouble?
It's not for them. It's not for you.
No, I'm serious. It's not for...
You can't deal with it.
They have this whole terrorist.
You have to take your shoes off.
And, you know, I come from an ancestor of slaves.
Black people, we can handle it.
Sure.
Yeah, because all my white friends are in the nuthouse now.
No, they go to the airport and they flip out.
That's my ID. At least 50 times.
And they go crazy.
So I have to help you get through this
because white people terrorized us for 400 years.
We're used to this.
We want to thank you for this.
We can...
No, seriously.
All right.
We can handle this.
And now they have this new liquid thing they have.
And it's insane.
I mean...
You can't bring liquids on them.
Oh, my God.
They go crazy.
Yeah.
They go, shampoo, freeze.
Eyeliner, don't you move.
And I've been back and forth.
I've had meth, cocaine, heroin, wheat.
Move on, move on.
We don't have time for small things.
Shampoo, security.
I mean, it's really...
The airport is simply not for you.
It really isn't.
And I'm...
It's like they tell you strange things here.
I'm on orange alert.
I said, good, I'm on white alert.
I'm not getting off of it.
Now, along those lines,
what about the presidential race?
Oh, my God.
You know about that?
I've heard about it.
I love it.
I love it.
I mean, it's Madam President.
Get used to it.
Oh, you think Hillary Clinton?
Oh, I said it when she didn't even know it.
Really?
Seriously.
She denied it.
I smelled it a long time ago.
She denied it.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Remember?
Yeah, but I knew it.
No, I want you to know that.
That's a Mooney prediction.
I mean, I do Negrodamas,
and that's a Negrodamas prediction.
I'm sorry?
What was the name again?
Negrodamas.
Negrodamas.
Yeah.
She...
She will run, she will win, and she will be president for the third time.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
It's very exciting.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, believe it.
Madam President.
And it's a great thing.
Now, I know that they have this black man running.
That's a big deal.
You know, La Bumba, La Bamba, Kunta Kente, whatever his name is.
Or Barack Obama.
Oh, yeah, Barack Obama, whatever.
Whatever.
Whatever is fair.
He's too black.
He's too white.
He's not black.
He's half a...
I mean, they're going real crazy.
He's an American, and that's good, but he doesn't have a chance.
He doesn't.
Really?
No, there's nothing against him personal.
He's too skinny.
He's too thin.
No, we don't like thin presidents.
We don't.
Is that right?
Go in the history of us with thin presidents.
We don't like them.
We'll shoot them.
We don't like them thin.
Here is my fantasy.
Yeah.
Okay?
We all have them.
My fantasy is I want Hillary to run with him on the same ticket.
I want him to be the vice president, because that would assure the president
won't be assassinated.
It's such a crazy world now.
What else has caught your attention lately in the news?
Bush.
Mm-hmm.
Bush caught my attention.
Bush has everyone, me, you, everyone in this audience, he has everybody brainwashed.
Everyone.
Yeah.
Black, white, green, yellow, fat, green, skinny.
Everyone is brainwashed by Bush.
Gas is so high, we think it's low.
Have you been in the gas station?
Yeah.
No, no, it is.
It is.
We think it's low.
We go around and say, it's low.
Yeah.
I mean, I think, I think I'm at Starbucks.
I said, look, I don't want, I don't want a latte, I want a gallon of gas.
No, it is.
I can prove it to you.
I've traveled all over the United States.
Gas is high.
There hasn't been a drive-by in L.A. in four months.
Wow.
My God.
I'm not through with Bush.
Mm-hmm.
No, I, I, when I see Bush, he's unbelievable to me.
I can't get ready for him.
Or his little black girlfriend.
I can't get ready for him.
The, uh, Secretary of State.
Oh, there you see the audience?
Ooh.
The question for the evening is, does Bush eat rice?
Oh, that's, that's insane.
That is insane.
Wow.
Yeah, Chinese.
Chinese.
Does rice eat bush?
That's what, that's what, we're gonna, that's what Felicia, we're gonna lose
our liquor license.
It wasn't me.
That's, oh, look.
That's, yeah.
No, that, that, that's my, that's Paul.
I always had a little shaky about coming on this show because you have the
white Paul, the black Paul, then we can get confused.
That's right.
But he's good.
I like that you have my back.
I like that.
Now.
No, yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead.
I want to ask you a question about a, a, a friend of, I guess a friend of yours,
certainly an acquaintance, a guy that I have known and you have known for a
long time, Michael Richards.
What, what, what did you make of that affair?
The N-word.
Yes.
Yeah, well, you know, it's like, I was ambassador for the N-word.
I mean, Richard Pryor and myself, well, you know Richard, my, my late best
friend who passed.
Richard was the first Afro-American to go, well, comedian, to go to Africa, and
he said that he wasn't gonna say the word.
Dick Gregory was the first to put a book out with the N-word.
He said, so every time you say it, you can push my book.
Richard said he wasn't gonna say it.
It wasn't an African language, and he didn't hear it over there.
When he got back here, he wasn't gonna say it.
I had a romance with the word.
I couldn't see the N-word for the trees, and I told Richard and Robert Winslow,
I said, I don't care.
I'm still gonna say it, because we were trying to, you know, desensitize it,
make it our own, all these other things, and I was into that.
And it took Michael Richards, because I've known him for a long time, and to
see that tape over and over again, it was just too much for me.
And it's an equal opportunity word.
Everyone uses it, young kids, Asians, black, white kids.
Everyone uses it, and they say, you spell it with an A, you spell it with an E.
It's like cooking a goat.
Whether you saute it or barbecue it, it's still a goat.
So that was for me.
I came to this thing, maybe I'm touched, whatever.
I don't want to say the word anymore.
I don't want to hear the word anymore, you know?
No, I don't.
I want to, yeah, thank you.
I want to live in a world where I don't hear that word, the B-word.
There's a lot of words that I don't want to hear anymore.
But I came to Michael, I mean, Jesse Jackson, Al, I can't even think of his
name.
Sharpton.
Sharpton, which kills me.
He says he's 52.
I went to his birthday, his hair is 52.
No, it is.
And I went to his birthday party, and he kept calling this woman Little Kim.
And I said, something is wrong with him.
Why is he calling this Asian lady Little Kim?
And then I got close, and it was Little Kim.
And I said, I didn't know surgery could change your race.
It was Little Kim Lee.
But anyway.
So I had this whole meeting with him, and I gave him tough love.
And being a comedian, we all know each other like vampires.
Even when one of us dies, whatever, it bothers all of us.
And so I wanted to deal with him and find out why.
He was shocked he had this in him, okay?
He was really sorry and forgiving about it.
And he said, some white people said, I agree with you.
He didn't want to be the head of the Klan.
He didn't know he had this thing.
He flipped out because he was on that TV show, and he was the darling of the
discotheque.
Now, a lot of people don't know he started the stand-up.
We know it.
And he was good at it.
Now, when he came back, it's like Jesse James hanging up your guns.
He wanted to be me, he wanted to be Richard, he was trying to be on the edge.
He tried all this stuff, and the audience wasn't going for it.
And they turned on him, so he reached in the hell and put out all these words.
But dealing with him, if I hadn't have come to his rescue and stood up for him,
they would have crucified him and deported him.
And I couldn't, the hatred in people, and the non-forgiving, and they didn't
care,
and I don't want to hear that, and why are you with that guy, and this and that,
you know?
And I was saying, look, he's a human being.
You have to forgive people, and he's sorry.
And so we have to move on now, you know, with the word now.
And I'm glad it was put on the table because he actually helped us talk about
it.
And I cold turkeyed on the word.
Whoopi Goldberg called me up.
She said, Paul, I know you're the ambassador for the word, and I've got to get
a pass.
She said, I've got to curse some black people out Friday, and after Friday, I
won't say it anymore.
And was that all right?
Did you give her the dispensation?
Well, I totally gave it to her.
But before you, I have to tell you this story that my neighbor told me.
I have to tell you, and then I'll stop.
Because I live in a white neighborhood, you know, and I've lived there for,
I've known you for 30 years, and I'm as sick as they are.
Because they won't go to sleep until I come home, and it's too much
responsibility.
No, it is, no.
And when I moved there 30 years ago, I burnt the cross on my own lawn.
And I drove them crazy for five years because I stood out in the middle of the
street every night,
and I'd scream out, I'm better than all you white people.
I'm better than all you white people.
I don't have black people living next door to me.
But my white neighbor told me a joke, and then I'm finished.
And I laughed so hard about her sister, who's a white woman, who baked the
chocolate cake for her little white son.
And she turned her back, and the little white son put chocolate on his face.
He said, look, mommy, I'm black.
And she slapped him.
She said, don't you ever say that in this house.
Go tell your dad what you said.
He said, look, daddy, I'm black.
And the daddy slapped him.
Don't you ever say that.
You go tell your grandfather what you said.
Look, grandpa, I'm black.
And grandpa slapped him.
Go back to your mother.
And the mother sat him down and said, Timmy, now what have you learned today?
And Timmy said, I've learned I've been black for five minutes, and already I
hate you white people.
Here it is.
Paul Mooney.
Know your history.
Jesus was black, and so was Cleopatra.
Thanks, Paul.
Good to see you again.
Paul Mooney, everybody.
We'll see you next time.