Name: Comedian Margaret Smith Hates Everyone | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-09-30T21:52:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comedian Margaret Smith Hates Everyone | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comedian Margaret Smith Hates Everyone | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-30. Transcript available.

My next guest is a very talented and very original comedian.
She can be seen this month at Sabatino's Funny Farm in Buffalo, New York.
Please welcome Margaret Smith.
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately.
I had a dream I got drunk with a fairy godmother.
In the morning, I woke up covered with dollar bills and all my teeth were gone.
My last name is Smith.
It's very boring.
So I try to think of things to do to make it more interesting.
Like when I check into a hotel room.
I purposely don't write my last name down to get the hotel clerk to demand it.
And then I go, uh, Smith.
Yeah, that's it, Smith.
I have a way with children, you could probably tell.
Like last weekend, I did a show.
There was a young kid in the audience.
He sat right up in front.
So I said, "Hi, what's your name?"
He said, "Jeremy."
I said, "Oh, well, that's a nice name, Jeremy.
How old are you?"
He said, "Ten and a half."
I said, "Oh, that means you'll be about 20 and a half
when the end of the world comes."
So I won't ask you what college you want to go to.
Because you'll be dead, Jeremy.
I never know what to say to kids.
My sisters tell me they have no kids, but I see the pictures.
I never really thought of myself as a breeder.
But recently, I decided I wanted two kids.
So I went to an adoption agency.
The first thing the guy asked me was,
"Well, why do you want two children?"
I said, "So I don't have to sit next to anyone on the subway."
The only good part about being a kid is toys.
My favorite toy was the oven that you got
to bake the little cakes in.
I didn't bake any cakes.
I melted army men.
Took a little longer.
Tasted better.
One GI pie coming up.
I hate my manager.
He's always telling me, "Wear red lipstick.
Look nice up there."
I said, "What if I'm not funny
and it's coming out of these big old red lips?"
"It's like being a crummy outfielder with a paisley mitt."
I hate everyone lately.
The other day, I sat at the airport for two hours waiting for my flight.
Everyone was disgusting.
Finally, I started going like this to people.
Circling the ones I hated.
They didn't know.
They smiled.
They thought they were going to be on the love boat.
Someday I want my own talk show.
It'll be different.
It'll be one where I get to hit people.
You know, like I'll have Sting on.
And when I ask him what his name is, and he says Sting, I backhand him.
You know, and I'll get over there and sit with Tommy Toon.
Everyone always tells me I take after my Uncle Swanee.
He hated everyone.
On his gravestone he had printed, "What are you looking at?"
Thank you.