Name: Dave Turns A College Kid Into The Big Man On Campus | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-10-05T15:13:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Turns A College Kid Into The Big Man On Campus | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Turns A College Kid Into The Big Man On Campus | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-05. Transcript available.

Here in my hand I have a copy of a catalog. It's a Boston University 1996
freshman record.
I assume many of you folks are familiar with this publication, and perhaps some
of you actually have your photo in the magazine.
And I guess what it is is, hey, I'm coming to college. I want everybody to get
a real good look at me.
So, well, for example, here, like here. You see this? This is kind of an
interesting picture. That caught my eye.
Do you see that one right there? This is somebody who wants everybody to know,
yes, I'm a ventriloquist.
Okay, okay. I'm bringing you my dummy. Me and Waldo are coming to college.
That was fast today, Waldo. What are you doing?
Everybody didn't know that he has a special skill.
But we were, you know, if you think about it, the future of America right here,
young men and women, very bright, coming to college.
And I was looking through here and I thought, you know, it would be so nice
because in my life I've been very lucky.
I have this wonderful network television show. I have Paul. I have everybody
here.
We've been so lucky. Is there any way we can pass on some of this good fortune
to somebody else?
And so we're looking through here and I said, you know what we ought to do?
Just more or less pick out a kid here in the catalog at random and through the
vast, powerful resources of this show and the CBS television network,
will find that kid and just turn him into like a big man on campus.
You know what I mean?
So we came across this guy right here. You see there, circled in red? There he
is.
His name is Michael Hirsch and he's from Albertson, New York, Albertson, New
York.
And Michael's interests are business and people.
Business and people.
I mean, think about this. If you're interested in business and not in people,
well, then you're screwed.
Because who are you going to be doing business with? Well, nobody.
So we found out where it was that Michael lived and a couple of weeks ago, we
just unannounced,
showed up and paid a surprise visit to Michael Hirsch to help this kid become a
big man on campus.
Michael Hirsch.
Hi, are you Michael Hirsch?
How you doing, Michael?
What's going on here?
Hi, how are you?
Looks like an autopsy, doesn't it?
I noticed prominently displayed that you have a collection of cans.
I didn't get a chance to recycle them, so I just took them up on the wall.
This is your lucky day. You know why?
Why?
Michael, we are going to make you a big man on campus.
What do you say?
Okay.
Cool, huh?
Yeah.
You know, if you're the big man on campus, you need like a catchy nickname.
I mean, Michael Hirsch is a lovely name, but we need like a nickname for you.
Do you have a nickname now?
Not really.
Hirsch, Hirsch, do people call you Hershey?
Sometimes.
Hirsch, like the candy bar?
Yeah.
The bar.
Try it.
Call him the bar.
Hey, look, it's the bar.
All right, the bar.
I am the bar.
Exactly.
You know what else you need?
Theme song.
A theme song.
Here we go.
Hirsch is his last name.
Oh, so it's like Hershey.
Hershey bar.
The bar.
The bar.
The bar.
The bar.
The bar.
All right.
He's the coolest guy in Boston, Mass.
Get in his way and he'll kick your ass.
He's the bar.
What do you suppose Rod is doing now?
One, two.
When he looked in the mirror, he thanks the Lord above.
He said, look at the ladies.
I'm ready for luck.
He's the bar.
You know, Bar, if you're going to be the big man on campus, you have to be
popular.
And to be popular, you have to do something that makes people like you really,
really well.
How old are you?
36, 37, 38. 38 cans.
What we need now, what you need now, is like the best looking girl on campus
for a date.
So, I was thinking about her. What do you think?
Wow.
That's Megan McGuire.
Hi, Megan. I'm Michael LaVar-Hirsch.
Hi.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Wait, hold on one second.
Sure, right.
Hello?
Oh, she's on the phone.
David Letterman's at my door.
No, who is this? Hang up on that loser.
LaVar likes people and business, and you like people and drama.
So, why don't we just take a second here for the two of you to enjoy each other
as people.
All right?
Yeah, I'm Chuck Lurie, aren't I?
Now, there's just one final thing you have to do. You have to do something to
get people's attention.
Three, two, one, go!
He knows what he wants, been watching and watching.
He's a slow-walking, slow-talking, slow-moving bitch.
He's the boss!
Oh my god, are you having fun now?
I'm having a ball.
Alright, and that really wasn't you naked on the field was it?