Name: Viewer Mail: The Problem With Paul's Pirates | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-10-06T14:33:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: The Problem With Paul's Pirates | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail: The Problem With Paul's Pirates | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-06. Transcript available.

Letter number three.
Dear David, does Paul Schaefer have any parrots?
One night I was listening to the show and I thought Don Pardo said,
tune in tomorrow night when we'll have Pia Zadora and Paul Schaefer's parrots.
Well, we tuned in the next night and we were dismayed and shocked to learn that
it was Paul Schaefer's parents.
Ick.
Anyhow, does Paul Schaefer have any parrots or any pets at all?
Eagerly awaiting your reply.
Stacey Fenton.
I know what you're referring to, Stacey.
Last summer, we did a program here where Paul brought in his pirates.
Now, as a matter of fact, Paul's pirates are here again tonight.
Paul, why don't you introduce your pirates to the audience for us?
Okay.
I'd like everybody to welcome two very good friends of mine.
This is Captain Jeremy Meacham and, of course, the bloodthirsty Tortuga Jake.
Good friends of mine.
Now, they just got into town with a rich Spanish prize and they're in the city
for a while.
They're going to turn over some stores while they're here.
Now, what's next for you two gentlemen, may I ask?
Well, the week of May 15th, we'll be down in the Caribbean.
We're going to be seizing an Aramco oil tanker.
And be looking forward to a lot of plunder on that vessel?
We sure hope so, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
And are you going to be taking any prisoners, do you think, guys?
No.
Okay.
Let me ask one final question.
Paul, where did you and your pirate friends originally meet up?
Bermuda.
Bermuda.
Okay.
Paul Schaefer and his pirates, ladies and gentlemen.
The bloodthirsty Tortuga Jake.
Our next letter comes to us from Charles Mosley, New York, New York, right here.
And this is, oh, this is regarding about Paul's two pirate friends, Captain
Jeremy Meacham and the bloodthirsty Tortuga Jake.
If you recall, they were last on the show about a month ago.
And Charles writes, Dear Dave, I am shocked.
Those two pirates were not pirates at all.
You're pulling a fast one on America, Dave, and we're not biting.
Now, how do I know they're not pirates?
Well, I am an expert on pirates, being one myself.
That's how.
No pirate would act so effeminate or be so soft-spoken.
Pirates usually don't write to late-night talk shows either, but this is truly
a tragedy.
Unless I hear some sort of disclaimer or retraction, I will form a pirate boycott
against your show.
And there happen to be many pirates in the Northeast, and I wouldn't be
surprised if we make up a large segment of your audience.
Once again, Charles Mosley, known as Old Scruffy, New York, New York.
Well, that's interesting.
You know, we tried to keep Captain Meacham and Tortuga Jake from seeing that
rather blistering letter,
but one of our secretaries inadvertently showed it to them, and they were
pretty steamed, and naturally so.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's introduce them now.
Captain Jeremy Meacham, the bloodthirsty Tortuga Jake, with their hapless
prisoner and author of this letter, Charles Mosley.
Nice to see you gentlemen, and Captain Meacham, Jake, I see that you have Mr.
Mosley in iron.
Can you tell us what you have planned for him, please?
Well, we'll be putting out to sea at first wind, and once we reach
international waters, we'll be dropping anchor, and we'll send Charles to a
watery grave.
Okay, and Charles, you're a very good sport to go along with this.
How do you plan, how soon do you plan to dispatch him?
Right away?
Well, only after the most prolonged and agonizing tortures.
Uh-huh, so I guess his death will actually come as a relief then.
Well, no, actually, the death itself will also be quite agonizing.
Uh-huh.
Now, uh, I know you have, uh, plans to have him walk the plank, and would that
be pretty much like it is in the books and the movies and so forth?
Now, every time it comes time to walk the plank, the victim's thought is, oh,
the plank's gonna break, the plank's gonna break.
The plank is not going to break.
We have done this before.
Okay, you have done it before.
Now, Charles, I want to thank you for your letter.
I'm sorry about this, but you pretty much brought it on yourself.
So what's next for you two gentlemen?
Well, um, next month, uh, we'll be, uh, appearing in Atlantic City.
Uh-huh.
You'll be appearing in Atlantic City?
Well, uh, actually, we'll be sacking Atlantic City.
Oh, you'll be sacking it.
And, and I guess you wouldn't want to tell the folks, uh, the date of that sacking,
huh?
Um, well, actually, we had hoped to make that a surprise raid.
Um, oh, what the heck, April 29th?
Okay, April 29th, they'll be sacking Atlantic City.
And thank you, gentlemen, for coming.
I know you have a price on your heads, and I really appreciate you stopping by
here tonight.
The bloodthirsty Tortuga Jake and Captain Jeremy Meacham.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Could we, uh, could we hear just a second of the car and truck rental song?
Just one.
Okay.
We'll be right back with a teacher who balances things on his nose, Edward
Kennedy.