Name: Judy Tenuta's Network Television Debut | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-10-07T01:54:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Judy Tenuta's Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Judy Tenuta's Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-07. Transcript available.

- My next guest is making her network television debut
on this program tonight.
She is a very talented comedian
who prefers to call herself a petite flower.
She can be seen in person on June 7th
at the Chicago Comedy Showcase.
Please welcome Judy Tenuta.
- Hi, pigs.
- Fighting soldiers from the sky,
fearless men who jump and die.
Men who meet--
Well, sing along!
So, take a letter, Maria.
Address it to my wife.
Say I won't be coming home.
I'm dating Barney Fife.
You know, I'm a petite flower.
It can happen.
Let's go back in time.
Oh, isn't it interesting how timing can change our lives?
Yes.
Like today,
I was throwing this bucket of hot water out of my window
when this Jehovah Witness walked by.
It was time for him to be reborn.
Wait, wait.
I want to put down my IUD.
Hey, you guys.
Remember when we were kids and we used to do this?
Oh, Mom, I can't go to school today.
I'm turning into Morgan Fairchild.
Oh, she needs to be put to sleep.
I mean it as a compliment.
Uh, how many of you ever started dating someone because you were too lazy to
commit suicide?
Huh?
Oh, I think you know what I mean.
And you look for someone who you know will do it for you.
Yes.
That's why I like to go to the emergency room of Mount Sinai.
Yes, you can meet a lot of nice plankton in there.
So I'm in the emergency room like a petite flower.
And I'm not saying I needed immediate attention.
I'm holding my head in a paper bag.
And the nurse says, "What seems to be the problem?"
I said, "Oh, no problem, sea cow.
I want to start a new wave band."
Oh, she was begging to be a guest cadaver on Quincy.
Oh, yes.
You know, I want to meet a sensitive guy like some of you but with a pulse.
So I went into this punk rock bar and this guy comes up to me and he's got a mohawk
haircut.
He goes, "Hey, want to dance?"
I said, "No, we've had enough rain, Cochise."
He says, "You shouldn't talk to me like that.
When I make love, I turn into an animal."
I said, "Oh, that's a step up."
He said, "You know, Judy, Judy, you would have more respect for me if you knew
what I did for a living."
I said, "Okay, so what do you do?"
He says, "I am a criminal lawyer."
I said, "Oh, not too redundant."
I said, "Oh, I see.
You don't need cliff notes for that."
So then he said, "Oh, come on, Judy, let's go out once.
What do you say we go out once?"
I said, "Uh, to tell you the truth, I was looking for someone a little closer
to the top of the food chain."
And, uh, he says, "Well, I work at the Safeway."
So, we go out, we go out, and, um, and he says, "Judy."
He says, "Judy."
He says, "Judy."
He had an accordion, too.
It could happen.
He said, "Judy, Judy, you should like me because I'm special."
I said, "Oh, great.
I can read to you slow."
And then he says, "You know, I'm perfect for you, Judy, because I'm a cross
between a macho and a sensitive man."
I said, "Oh, like a gay trucker?"
And then, you know what?
Come closer, come closer.
I want to tell you a secret.
He tried to kiss me.
He cannot possess me.
He tried to kiss me, and he kissed like a Pez dispenser.
His head fell back 180 degrees.
And his tongue popped out.
Like I'm supposed to give him communion.
Thank you so much.