Name: Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Bill Scheft | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-11-08T17:31:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Bill Scheft | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Bill Scheft | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-08. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Bill Sheft, the second longest tenured writer at Late Night Late Show
History,
behind Steve Young and just ahead of the late Jerry Mulligan.
Oh, I'm being told he's okay.
I worked for Dave Letterman for 24 years.
The first joke of mine that he ever did, he did 10 days before I was hired.
It was a monologue joke.
It was about Elizabeth Taylor had just remarried again.
I have some bad news coming from the Elizabeth Taylor marriage.
You know, that's right, Liz Taylor was married over the weekend to Larry Fortensky.
This was Liz's, I believe it was her eighth marriage.
And already, apparently, they've had a horrible, horrible fight.
The fight, as I understand it, was about whether or not Larry should unpack.
That was the...
I can't remember a favorite monologue joke that I've written, but I can tell
you my favorite monologue joke that I rewrote.
And that's when Dave came back and did his first show, Back from Surgery.
There was a joke that had been written by Mike Barry and Jim Mahone, who were
the chief writers of the monologue during my time there.
Just wonderful guys and great writers.
And they had written this joke that was good, but it was a little too short,
and it needed to be embellished a little.
So Dave and I kind of got under the hood, and we stretched it out a little, and
it turned out great.
And he closed the monologue with this, and it was quoted everywhere the next
day.
So I'm really proud of that.
I also want to clear up one thing.
Bypass surgery.
Bypass surgery.
It's when doctors surgically create new blood flow to your heart.
Bypass surgery.
A bypass is what happened to me when I didn't get The Tonight Show.
I was hired as a monologue writer, but I was always thrilled whenever I got
something on the air.
Other than monologue.
And I wrote what we used to call an Act 5 piece for later in the show.
It was a piece called Paul.
And it was as if Paul Schaefer was hosting a Donahue-type show.
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody, and welcome back.
Welcome back to Paul.
And our topic today, should a well-known disciple of Satan be allowed to host
his own talk show?
My guest is David Letterman.
Do we have any questions?
Yes, I see a question over here.
Yes, dear.
What is your question?
Excuse me.
Yes, Dave.
How long have you known Satan?
And also, what is hell like?
You know, I don't really know Satan.
And hell is probably just about like this comedy piece.
But maybe with more laughs.
I think there's a point here that we're all overlooking.
Just because you have Satanic voices in your head doesn't mean you have to
listen to them.
I know from experience.
I think you should be the best you you can be.
See you next week on PAW!
I also wrote the winning slogan for the Democrats in 1992.
All right.
Our next slogan, please.
Come on out and announce the slogan for us.
Okay.
How do you do, ma'am?
Our fourth slogan under consideration here tonight.
We don't have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
There you go.
We don't have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
I've made my decision, and I believe we're going to have to go with we don't
have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
Congratulations, you're our winner.
Hello, is this the governor?
It is.
How are you?
Oh, it's Governor Bill.
Very exciting, isn't it?
I'm going to turn you over to the woman who brought the slogan to us tonight,
okay?
Governor?
Yep.
Okay.
Oh, he's getting pissed.
There you go.
Say hello to the governor.
Hello, governor.
Hi, what's your name?
Constance.
Is Letterman behaving tonight?
Oh, very beautifully, as usual.
As usual?
So this is my slogan for you, governor.
Okay.
We don't have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
Nicely done.
Very, very nice.
There you go, governor.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for your time, sir.
Thanks, David.
In the late 1990s, we had a writer named John Beckerman, who was with the show
for a while.
Very talented guy.
And he wrote a series of extras where I played a guy named Kenny Ziegler, who
was Dave's old
fraternity brother.
And we would run into each other, and we would run into each other on the
street.
Here's the thing I loved about this bit.
Dave and I would run into each other on 53rd Street, and we would get all
excited, and then Dave would say, do you want to have coffee?
And I would say, yeah.
And then we would take off and run a full sprint down 53rd Street.
Where the hell is Paul?
You mean he wasn't there for the big introduction?
Oh, wait a minute.
I know what it is.
I have to put on my glasses.
I'll be right back.
I'm going to find Paul.
Get out here.
Can we go out here?
How do you do?
Oh.
Hi.
Oh, hey, Kenny.
Kenny.
Kenny.
Ziegler.
Kenny Ziegler.
Dave Letterman.
Dave.
Brother of Hill High School.
1965.
How you doing?
Good.
I'm doing good.
Nice to see you.
Are you busy now?
What are you doing?
No, not really.
What, you want to get some coffee?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Let's go.
You live here?
Who was the name of that health teacher we used to have?
Mr. Ludlow.
Mr. Ludlow.
Yeah, Mr. Ludlow.
Whatever happened to him?
I heard the year after we graduated, they found him in the cafeteria with his
ass in a jello.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Hey, are you still hosting that game show?
Mm.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
That reminds me.
I got to get out of here.
Nice to see you, Kenny.
Good luck.
Bye-bye.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
Because Dave's company made an interim agreement with the guild.
So we got to come back a month before the strike was settled.
And the first show back, the writers wrote a piece for me.
I always appreciated Dave's support of the union.
And it meant a lot to me that day, especially that it was the first day back
for us.
Thanks to the folks at L.L Bean, staying warm is easier than ever.
Take a look at this.
You know what I'm holding here, ladies and gentlemen?
This is from the new L.L Bean Winter Catalog Collection.
This is a pair, an actual pair, of electric underpants.
All you have to do every day before you...
That's enough.
Dave, that's enough.
That's enough Dave.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
Hi, I'm Late Show Strike Captain Bill Shaft.
Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to show you the conclusion of this
joke.
Why?
Well, it's to remind you that even though the Late Show writers are back at
work, the WGA
strike still goes on.
Thousands of writers still walk the picket line every day until their legs cramp
and their
backs ache, only to return to a home they can now barely afford because of the
producers'
greed.
So, to the arrogant media moguls who've gotten so fat off our sweat-soaked toil
that they
can no longer fit behind their oversized mahogany desks, I say to you, stop
spending all your
money on cufflinks, cocktails, and whores.
Stick a crowbar in your wallet and start bargaining in good faith with the
writers.
Maybe then America won't be denied the joy of seeing David Letterman hold up a
pair of
flaming underpants.
"You're not right, Bill."
"It is.
Right, Bill.
Nice job."
"This message has been brought to you by the Writers Guild of America."
Okay, this next moment has already been commemorated on the YouTube channel by
Barbara Gaines.
It's my favorite in-show moment when I handed Dave the blue card with the
notation that somebody
in the audience line had vomited during the show.
Now, I need to add three points to this.
First, in my defense, during the show, Barbara and I would communicate, if she
had something
to tell me, she would write the note on her rundown.
Whenever she wrote on a blue card, that was for Dave.
So when she wrote that somebody had vomited in the audience line, she was
writing me the
note, but I saw the blue card and dutifully ran it over to Dave.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, when I was a small boy, I always wanted my own
TV show.
And just now, something has happened that reminds me of the phrase, "Be careful
what you wish
for."
"Be careful what you wish for."
Really?
Right in the middle of men and their vegetables.
Yeah.
I think everybody's finally gotten into the spirit of this segment.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
I'm handed a note.
I'm handed a note and it just boggles the mind why this information comes to me,
why this
information comes to me now.
Now.
I'm going to share with you, ordinarily, this would be confidential.
I'm going to share with you this note, all right?
I'm right in the middle of men and their vegetables.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's see.
Put it right there and you folks at home can read it along.
Let's see.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You see what I'm saying?
Why do I need to know?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
Oh, yes.
And normally happens while they're watching the show.
Why do I need to know?
Why do I need to know now?
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We'll be right back.

Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Bill Scheft | Letterman

Hi, I'm Bill Sheft, the second longest tenured writer at Late Night Late Show
History,
behind Steve Young and just ahead of the late Jerry Mulligan.
Oh, I'm being told he's okay.
I worked for Dave Letterman for 24 years.
The first joke of mine that he ever did, he did 10 days before I was hired.
It was a monologue joke.
It was about Elizabeth Taylor had just remarried again.
I have some bad news coming from the Elizabeth Taylor marriage.
You know, that's right, Liz Taylor was married over the weekend to Larry Fortensky.
This was Liz's, I believe it was her eighth marriage.
And already, apparently, they've had a horrible, horrible fight.
The fight, as I understand it, was about whether or not Larry should unpack.
That was the...
I can't remember a favorite monologue joke that I've written, but I can tell
you my favorite monologue joke that I rewrote.
And that's when Dave came back and did his first show, Back from Surgery.
There was a joke that had been written by Mike Barry and Jim Mahone, who were
the chief writers of the monologue during my time there.
Just wonderful guys and great writers.
And they had written this joke that was good, but it was a little too short,
and it needed to be embellished a little.
So Dave and I kind of got under the hood, and we stretched it out a little, and
it turned out great.
And he closed the monologue with this, and it was quoted everywhere the next
day.
So I'm really proud of that.
I also want to clear up one thing.
Bypass surgery.
Bypass surgery.
It's when doctors surgically create new blood flow to your heart.
Bypass surgery.
A bypass is what happened to me when I didn't get The Tonight Show.
I was hired as a monologue writer, but I was always thrilled whenever I got
something on the air.
Other than monologue.
And I wrote what we used to call an Act 5 piece for later in the show.
It was a piece called Paul.
And it was as if Paul Schaefer was hosting a Donahue-type show.
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody, and welcome back.
Welcome back to Paul.
And our topic today, should a well-known disciple of Satan be allowed to host
his own talk show?
My guest is David Letterman.
Do we have any questions?
Yes, I see a question over here.
Yes, dear.
What is your question?
Excuse me.
Yes, Dave.
How long have you known Satan?
And also, what is hell like?
You know, I don't really know Satan.
And hell is probably just about like this comedy piece.
But maybe with more laughs.
I think there's a point here that we're all overlooking.
Just because you have Satanic voices in your head doesn't mean you have to
listen to them.
I know from experience.
I think you should be the best you you can be.
See you next week on PAW!
I also wrote the winning slogan for the Democrats in 1992.
All right.
Our next slogan, please.
Come on out and announce the slogan for us.
Okay.
How do you do, ma'am?
Our fourth slogan under consideration here tonight.
We don't have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
There you go.
We don't have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
I've made my decision, and I believe we're going to have to go with we don't
have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
Congratulations, you're our winner.
Hello, is this the governor?
It is.
How are you?
Oh, it's Governor Bill.
Very exciting, isn't it?
I'm going to turn you over to the woman who brought the slogan to us tonight,
okay?
Governor?
Yep.
Okay.
Oh, he's getting pissed.
There you go.
Say hello to the governor.
Hello, governor.
Hi, what's your name?
Constance.
Is Letterman behaving tonight?
Oh, very beautifully, as usual.
As usual?
So this is my slogan for you, governor.
Okay.
We don't have a clue, but we don't have a quail.
Nicely done.
Very, very nice.
There you go, governor.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for your time, sir.
Thanks, David.
In the late 1990s, we had a writer named John Beckerman, who was with the show
for a while.
Very talented guy.
And he wrote a series of extras where I played a guy named Kenny Ziegler, who
was Dave's old
fraternity brother.
And we would run into each other, and we would run into each other on the
street.
Here's the thing I loved about this bit.
Dave and I would run into each other on 53rd Street, and we would get all
excited, and then Dave would say, do you want to have coffee?
And I would say, yeah.
And then we would take off and run a full sprint down 53rd Street.
Where the hell is Paul?
You mean he wasn't there for the big introduction?
Oh, wait a minute.
I know what it is.
I have to put on my glasses.
I'll be right back.
I'm going to find Paul.
Get out here.
Can we go out here?
How do you do?
Oh.
Hi.
Oh, hey, Kenny.
Kenny.
Kenny.
Ziegler.
Kenny Ziegler.
Dave Letterman.
Dave.
Brother of Hill High School.
1965.
How you doing?
Good.
I'm doing good.
Nice to see you.
Are you busy now?
What are you doing?
No, not really.
What, you want to get some coffee?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Let's go.
You live here?
Who was the name of that health teacher we used to have?
Mr. Ludlow.
Mr. Ludlow.
Yeah, Mr. Ludlow.
Whatever happened to him?
I heard the year after we graduated, they found him in the cafeteria with his
ass in a jello.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Hey, are you still hosting that game show?
Mm.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
That reminds me.
I got to get out of here.
Nice to see you, Kenny.
Good luck.
Bye-bye.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
Because Dave's company made an interim agreement with the guild.
So we got to come back a month before the strike was settled.
And the first show back, the writers wrote a piece for me.
I always appreciated Dave's support of the union.
And it meant a lot to me that day, especially that it was the first day back
for us.
Thanks to the folks at L.L Bean, staying warm is easier than ever.
Take a look at this.
You know what I'm holding here, ladies and gentlemen?
This is from the new L.L Bean Winter Catalog Collection.
This is a pair, an actual pair, of electric underpants.
All you have to do every day before you...
That's enough.
Dave, that's enough.
That's enough Dave.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
Hi, I'm Late Show Strike Captain Bill Shaft.
Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to show you the conclusion of this
joke.
Why?
Well, it's to remind you that even though the Late Show writers are back at
work, the WGA
strike still goes on.
Thousands of writers still walk the picket line every day until their legs cramp
and their
backs ache, only to return to a home they can now barely afford because of the
producers'
greed.
So, to the arrogant media moguls who've gotten so fat off our sweat-soaked toil
that they
can no longer fit behind their oversized mahogany desks, I say to you, stop
spending all your
money on cufflinks, cocktails, and whores.
Stick a crowbar in your wallet and start bargaining in good faith with the
writers.
Maybe then America won't be denied the joy of seeing David Letterman hold up a
pair of
flaming underpants.
"You're not right, Bill."
"It is.
Right, Bill.
Nice job."
"This message has been brought to you by the Writers Guild of America."
Okay, this next moment has already been commemorated on the YouTube channel by
Barbara Gaines.
It's my favorite in-show moment when I handed Dave the blue card with the
notation that somebody
in the audience line had vomited during the show.
Now, I need to add three points to this.
First, in my defense, during the show, Barbara and I would communicate, if she
had something
to tell me, she would write the note on her rundown.
Whenever she wrote on a blue card, that was for Dave.
So when she wrote that somebody had vomited in the audience line, she was
writing me the
note, but I saw the blue card and dutifully ran it over to Dave.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, when I was a small boy, I always wanted my own
TV show.
And just now, something has happened that reminds me of the phrase, "Be careful
what you wish
for."
"Be careful what you wish for."
Really?
Right in the middle of men and their vegetables.
Yeah.
I think everybody's finally gotten into the spirit of this segment.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
I'm handed a note.
I'm handed a note and it just boggles the mind why this information comes to me,
why this
information comes to me now.
Now.
I'm going to share with you, ordinarily, this would be confidential.
I'm going to share with you this note, all right?
I'm right in the middle of men and their vegetables.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's see.
Put it right there and you folks at home can read it along.
Let's see.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You see what I'm saying?
Why do I need to know?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
Oh, yes.
And normally happens while they're watching the show.
Why do I need to know?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
Why do I need to know now?
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Why do I need to know now?
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