Name: Gallagher Says Things That Most People Won't | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-11-11T18:13:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gallagher Says Things That Most People Won't | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gallagher Says Things That Most People Won't | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-11. Transcript available.

My next guest is an old friend of mine.
He is also sold out all over the country
and has no reason to plug anything.
He will, however, be appearing at Lincoln Center
here in New York City on April 29th.
Please welcome Gallagher.
Thank you.
This here is my downtown walking stick.
Use this in town here.
I think it'd be a good idea for everybody
to have to have a gun with a barrel this long
if you're going to have a gun
because you can't conceal it.
Somebody comes limping up to you on the street,
you know you're going to get held up.
When they stick that in your back,
they can't reach your wallet.
Hey, I'm ahead of them.
You also can't commit suicide with a gun like this.
Just ahead of everybody.
Of course, you don't see me much on the network, you know,
because things I say, you can't say too much.
I don't know.
Maybe it's different now, David.
Can I talk about Priscilla Presley's big butt?
Well, nobody mentions it, you know,
even though she has one
because they only take a picture of the pretty end.
I believe women like knowing she has a big butt
because then they say,
well, she's got a pretty face,
but she's got a big butt.
I don't know.
Can you say that?
Can you say Prince is probably off hiding,
trying to grow as good a mustache
as most ugly women in New Jersey?
I don't know.
I don't know what you can say.
I have pride in America,
and I get affected.
I want to say something
when I see Rafer Johnson going up the stairs
to light the torch at the Olympics,
and the whole world is watching
and his jockstraps are hanging down.
It just doesn't look good.
I got to say something.
When we send an overweight senator to Ethiopia
to check on the hunger problem,
I got to say something.
Hey, even if it's a hero,
you got to say something.
If it's Conan, I'll say something.
Because Conan in his last movie
was supposed to keep a virgin a virgin,
so he puts her on a horse.
Many people in Philadelphia
didn't get that joke either.
Hey, I'm there, I'm there.
I'm watching even my heroes.
If it's Billy Joel, I'll say something.
Here he is writing a song,
I love you just the way you are
about his wife, then leaves her.
Mr. Sincere, yeah,
I love you with a wart on your nose.
He goes for Miss Perfect Face, you know?
Hey, it's that way with rock and roll.
For years, Frankie Valli sang
walk like a man, talk like a man,
sing it like a woman.
Then Helen Reddy sings,
I am woman, big shoulders, no breasts.
I'm woman.
Hey, I'm going to say something about it
when people are the opposite
of what they're supposed to be,
even if it's Michael Jackson.
Hey, when the icon of teenage sexuality
don't even have a girlfriend,
I'm saying I hear about her,
where is she?
Where is this Billie Jean?
You can't count Brooke Shields.
She's in sexual neutral, too.
Her name even sounds like
anti-sexual device.
Oh, get down.
You say,
did you have fun on the date?
Nah, she was wearing her Brooke Shields.
Hey, I guess women just shy away from Michael,
any little guy that'd run around the country
wearing one glove and singing Beat It.
I'm out of here.
We're going to do a commercial,
then we'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
This gentleman, of course, is Gallagher.
Welcome to the show.
Very funny, as always.
What brings you to New York?
Lincoln Center.
Pretty impressive.
Well, I'm working out on the island,
you know, first, two nights.
Don't shout.
We're right here.
We're right here.
You're right.
You frightened me.
I was using my stage voice.
No, no, we have microphones.
You're right.
This is not cable.
This is a network.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It still has quite a potential.
It could reach a lot of people.
I think I have to yell to reach everybody.
No, no, you're doing fine.
So, okay, you're out on Long Island.
You're working some clubs out there.
Oh, no, Westbury Music.
Hey, big deal.
Big show, big show.
Big deal.
I like a big show.
I like 3,000 people.
I don't like 2,500.
I like 3,000.
Why is that?
Because you could have this many people
and they'd be in a wrong mood
and it'd mess up your show, see?
I want 3,000.
So these people come in a bus from Philadelphia.
They don't like the show, they leave.
I don't care.
I need 3,000.
That's right.
Now, what if the 3,000 show up
and they're in a bad mood?
You find that, you know how you can just ask
seven people who won the presidency
and you can tell from the whole country,
you ask seven people at any shopping center?
Well, 3,000 has enough people that I'll do good.
Every one of them will get these jokes.
Well, that's good.
And then you're going to be at Lincoln Center.
How many people there?
Is that, again, 3,000?
I'm going to make a concession
because it's here on the aisle.
I'm working with 1,700 there.
Oh, so a little smaller.
But I'm sure you'll do just fine there, too.
Well, it'll be tough.
You know, these New Yorkers are hard to entertain.
I'm going to have to work real hard.
Well, you did a very nice job here for these folks.
I try hard.
I try and give it my all.
America's number one.
You see, David...
Now, you know, I see on this cable deal, your shows, you have one about once a
month, it seems like.
I know it.
You quit writing.
I did what?
Quit writing.
You've got to keep writing all of the time.
You do a monologue every day.
If you had put it all together, you'd have a tape.
Well, I...
But, of course, I guess other people write it.
What do you think?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I have a show here.
It's on 1230 every night.
I know, but you give it to other people.
You know, Howard comes out and he wrote some jokes and lit a cigar.
You know what I mean?
Howard don't come out on my show.
No, but what I was going to say was, what you do on that show, I think, is
terrific.
You're very entertaining.
Well, thanks.
I'm trying real hard.
I'm trying to see how you can use an hour.
You see, I've got to talk the whole time.
I can't go, now you're tired of me.
Here's this guy.
These will be the people you'll be entertaining at Lincoln Center.
I know it, but they like the truth.
I've seen you have guests on those shows.
I've seen you have introduced guests on those programs.
Just a friend of ours that I wanted...
I saw Bill Kirkenbauer on there one day.
He's the only one.
Big deal.
I'm trying to help Bill.
Have you had Bill on the show?
I didn't realize Bill needed help.
Yeah, he does.
He looks like me.
Everybody thinks he's me, so he does jokes that adds to my career.
He ain't making a dime.
Well, you've certainly made his evening.
Oh, I have.
He'll get a bunch of jokes, I mean, a bunch of jobs from the show.
They'll say, hey, are you Bill Kirkenbauer?
I understand you're down on your luck and need a little boost here.
Right.
Yeah. What are we doing?
We have to go away again, but we'll be right back here.
We're out of time.
Gallagher, nice job. Good to see you, and have fun in New York City.
Can I throw one of the cards?
Throw one of the cards.
My apologies to Beulah Bear. She'll be rescheduled for another show.
Randy, say goodnight.
Goodnight.
Thanks for calling.
We'll see you, folks. Goodnight.
Thank you.