Name: Jon Stewart's Network Television Debut | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-11-18T23:04:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Stewart's Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Stewart's Network Television Debut | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-18. Transcript available.

Our next guest is a stand-up comedian and he is making his network television
debut with us here
tonight. He is also the co-host of Short Attention Span Theater on Comedy
Central. Ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome Jon Stewart. Thank you. Thank you very much. I saw in
the paper recently
that Russia has announced plans to pursue foreign investment and tourism to
help their ailing
economy. Now, I don't want to be too negative, but are conditions really
optimal in Russia
right now to mount an effective tourist campaign? What kind of slogan are they
going to come
up with? Come to Russia. It's cold and we have no food. Gee, honey, what do you
think? Club
Med Leningrad. Bring a lunch. But it's a very strange thing. I feel for Russia.
I'm Russian.
My grandfather is from Russia. And I had dinner with him last night because I
lost the coin
flip. And he's a nice enough guy, but he's an incredible bigot. And you would
think being
being an immigrant, that would be a contradiction. But I guess he was just one
of those guys who came
to this country, got off the boat at Ellis Island, signed in, and then turned
to the people behind
him in line and went, now get off my land, you foreign bastards. I've been in
10 seconds,
you're ruining everything. There's so many bigots now in the world. It seems to
be on the rise.
I saw this Ku Klux Klansman on Geraldo. Ignorant creep, Geraldo. But, um, thank
you. Yes.
You know, the weird thing about racial violence I never understood is when
minorities battle other
minorities. Like, I'm a Jewish guy. I never understood why there was so much
animosity between
the Jewish community and the black community. I mean, we come from the same
history. 2,000 years
of persecution. We've just expressed our sufferings differently as people.
Blacks develop the blues.
Jews complain. We just never thought of putting it to music. It's very similar.
We whine. We just have no real sense of rhythm, I guess. It's, uh,
my grandmother actually wrote a very lovely blues song recently called, uh, "Gee,
it's drafty here." And, uh, she was in a Chinese restaurant. It just kind of
hit her, I guess.
So much racial violence. Sexual violence. That's all. The televised trials now
are all about sex.
The oddest one I thought so far was the William Kennedy Smith trial.
William Kennedy Smith. What is Kennedy? His maiden name? What the hell was that?
You're Bill Smith, the sex offender. Get over yourself.
Honestly. How many people are going to hide behind that? What's next? Mike
Kennedy Tyson for the appeal? Come on.
I should say this. A real Kennedy never would have attacked that girl and been
indicted for it because
they had Ted Kennedy up on the witness stand. That was magic.
You swear to tell the whole truth and nothing about the truth so I'll help you,
God?
No. Don't you know who I am? Didn't my people talk to you?
I look at Ted Kennedy and I just think, he has an enormous head.
It's huge. It's disturbing. It doesn't even look like a head. It looks more
like a container for a head.
I don't mean, listen, I empathize with him. I know he's had a very difficult
life.
It must be very traumatic to be one of the only males in your family to never
have had sex with Marilyn Monroe.
I think that's, uh, that's a cross to bear.
You know they never let him forget about it. I'm sure weekends at Hyannisport,
Schwarzenegger's giving him grief from the living room.
Daddy.
Come in here. Some like it hot is on television.
Shut up.
I could have.
But you know what? As peculiar as our country is, just, I mean, I'm so glad
that we're not like
the Middle East or something. I mean, there's an area that is just so volatile.
It's just,
the Middle East will never be calm. It will never be settled. Too many people
have too many claims
on too small a parcel of land. You know, it's like, take Israel, for example.
Israel's a tiny country.
It's tiny. It's this big. And yet every major religion has a claim to it.
Christianity,
Judaism, and Islam all began in Israel. All began in Jerusalem. All began
within like
a two-block radius of each other. Do you realize what this means? Jesus,
Mohammed, and Moses
all went to the same high school.
Where Jesus had been captain of the swim team.
Oh, please. I should say, Moses was on the swim team, but he kept getting disqualified
for parting
the water and running across. It's just, it's an increasingly violent world,
you know? And
I guess my big fear is that the next war we have is going to be nuclear, and we're
all going to die.
And you know who's going to feel stupidest at that final moment of the world's
destruction?
People that have been on Ultra Slim Fast for the past three weeks. Thanks very
much.