Name: Jay Leno's Advice For How To Get On Dave's Show | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-11-23T23:16:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Leno's Advice For How To Get On Dave's Show | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Leno's Advice For How To Get On Dave's Show | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-23. Transcript available.

We have a fine show. Jessica Harper, Norris McWhirter, and my first guest has
often called himself the funniest man in America.
Now, if you'd like to form your own opinion, he'll be appearing for the next
two weeks at Caroline's, a club right here in New York City.
Excuse me. Please welcome Mr. Jay Leno.
Hi, Jay.
Hi, how are you?
Hi, how are you?
I'm pretty good.
Nice to see you.
How are you?
Going to be at Caroline's for two weeks.
I'll be at Caroline's for two weeks. You going to come down this time?
Only if I'm invited.
I was there once before.
You came down, Robin Williams. The boys in the band are coming. Actually, I
found something here that...
The boys in the band are coming? You mean the party boys of rock and roll are
coming?
You know, the party boys of rock and roll did a record that I have here a
number of years ago.
It's a pretty rare copy. It's become kind of a cult classic. There are only
about three or four hundred pressings of it.
I don't know if a lot of people are familiar. It's called Paul Schaefer Sings
the Best of the Penthouse Letters.
Wow.
I mean, listen. I mean, listen to some of these songs. Dominating Stepsister,
One Leg to Stand On.
Here's my favorite, the album version of Spanked for Something I Didn't Even Do.
It's a real collector's item there, isn't it? It's become kind of a cult
classic, surprisingly.
Now, is this possible? When was the last time you were on this television
program?
I was here about a month and a half ago, and I haven't been home since.
Now, is that...
I haven't. I've been on the road the whole time.
Isn't that awful?
It's not awful, Dave. Not for us comedy foot soldiers who are out there in the
trenches, you know?
I'm not one of your big-time comedy generals with some cushy desk job winging
in three, four hundred a week.
I'm out there in the trenches doing the clubs.
Fighting the battles, yeah.
Oh, boy.
Now, what do you do to keep yourself occupied on the road?
Well, you know, being on the road, because you do things...
Well, you were on the road. You did the road for a while.
Not long. Not long.
You never did any of the comedy clubs?
No.
See, it's funny. You know, when the comedy clubs first started, they had
regular names.
You know, Austin Comedy Club, the Comedy Works, those kind of places.
Now, they all have comedy names.
In the last six weeks, I've been at Jokers, Giggles, Tickles, Ho-Hos, Ha-Has,
Hee-Hees.
Next month, I'm working at a new place called Pfft, which is right down.
No, but what do you do on the road? You watch TV.
You watch a lot of TV.
But you don't watch regular TV.
Now, what time do you get up in the morning?
You get up, like, about, let's say, 11.30.
You read the whole paper.
Yeah.
I mean, the whole paper. You know, the kind of thing where you go,
Look at this. Tuna casserole with a graham cracker crust.
You look through it.
But I remember when we were in Tahoe, you were across the street,
and it was like, you get up, you go down the lobby,
you look at your watch, what's it, 1.30?
Brady Bunch is on it, too.
It's strange.
But it's nice coming here.
Here is fun.
Yeah.
Here you stay in a nice hotel.
The fabulous...
It's a classic.
It's a very hip...
It's a very hip hotel.
In fact, the Gideon Bible in the room has cable listings,
which you don't usually...
Pretty hip.
See, I like to go down to the lobby of the...
and listen to the old men tell tales of the sea.
You know, there's always a guy...
You know, it's the kind of hotel where the bellhops go,
Spanish fly, governor?
I said, no.
No, but it's a nice hotel.
Now, yeah, now, these are just jokes.
You might want to identify these,
because right now, the high-powered lawyers are...
No, it's a fabulous hotel.
Yeah, it's a nice place.
Well, you know what's nice?
You're in the city.
Like, a couple weeks ago, I was at Oklahoma City.
Now, it was a great club,
but you're not in the city.
You're in the suburbs.
You know, you stay in these hotels that are on the highway.
Right.
You know, the kind of hotels where you...
You know, they're motels.
You know, you open your door, and it's like,
Be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be.
You know, it's like cars going, you know,
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was very strange.
So it's good to be back in the Big Apple.
Oh, it's great.
It's fun to be back here, especially at Caroline,
because that's kind of a...
It's like hip New York kind of club.
Yeah, it was a pretty impressive clientele.
They get down there.
Folks all dressed up and stuff.
Folks dressed up.
Adults. They had adults down there.
And a lot of adults.
Yeah.
A lot of adults.
Scared me.
Now, how's your motorcycle collection,
your antique motorcycle collection?
I haven't seen it.
It may all be stripped and robbed of parts by this time.
Oh, no, that's an awful thought.
We have to pause for a commercial, Jay,
but can you stay with us?
It's a bit unorthodox, but I guess it'll be...
We'll be right back.
Jay Leno is here,
and later tonight we're going to bust more stuff
with a steamroller.
What is the big problem for you on the road,
aside from occupying yourself during the day?
Well, you know, when you work at these comedy clubs,
I always meet a lot of young comedians.
You know, and they always say the same thing.
You know, how do you get on late night?
And, you know, how can I...
You know, this is the truth,
because they always say,
how can I find out if my jokes are appropriate for the show
or if Dave has done the joke before,
or even if it's a good joke?
And I was talking with Robert Morton,
your talent coordinator,
and he was kind enough to lend me the book,
which has, I guess,
more or less become the Bible of the industry.
It should be on the shelf.
Let me...
I should go over here.
See if you can get it.
Oh, there it is.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Let me bring it over here.
It certainly is a big volume, isn't it?
It's a big volume.
Yeah.
This, of course,
would be late night's big little book
of overdone, hackneyed comedy premises.
Oh, yeah.
That really is the Bible.
Now, the book contains...
For example,
what do you think
the most hackneyed overdone comedy premise would be?
Beats me.
Let's look up hackneyed.
Anything to do with dining out?
No.
Although that may be
in the new abridged edition.
Aha!
That would be...
Can you imagine if E.T. landed in my neighborhood?
Boy, we'd beat him up.
Another big one.
Anything with McNuggets.
I.E.C.
Where are the McNuggets and the chicken?
That would be a big one.
Can you imagine this guy at home
is also very popular?
Yeah.
You know, this is where
you take a famous person,
preferably a sports figure,
and you do a bit about him being at home.
You know,
here come the potatoes,
oh, my gosh,
and anything like that.
Let's look up types of performers.
For example,
what do you think
the most obnoxious type
of performer would be?
Here it is right here.
The most obnoxious type?
That, of course,
would be the wacky duo.
Are you familiar with them?
The wacky duo.
Wacky duo.
It says two
Caucasian males,
mid to late 20s,
no apparent ethnic heritage.
Now,
the way this works is
one guy comes out.
You've seen the wacky duo
as they come out.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Both my partner and I
are thrilled to be here.
Meanwhile,
the partner's going,
will you stop, please?
I don't know what got into them.
We're on nationwide television.
The guy's wacky.
I don't know what's the matter with him.
Will you take him?
The guy's crazy.
I don't know what's gotten into him.
Another big one would be,
let's see.
Oh,
here's one I know you like.
The impressionist
who just returned
from the Hollywood party.
Do you know this guy?
Yeah, yeah.
You see,
these were very big on shows
for a number of years.
This is the guy who comes out
and he says,
thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Recently,
I just had the good fortune
to be in Hollywood
and went to a party
attended by some of our
biggest stars.
It went something like this.
Then the guy,
will turn around,
mess up his hair,
come back,
look exactly the same.
You know?
I wouldn't mind
if these people
could rearrange
their DNA structure
and maybe,
you know,
come back as a crustacean
or something.
It seems like
such a waste to me.
Well,
thank goodness
it's in this book.
Well,
it's all right here,
certainly in the volume.
So any young comedians,
again,
that want to do this show
should contact the staff
and probably go through the book.
I think it's the best way.
Now,
what are you going to be doing
to occupy yourself
now you've got two weeks
in New York City?
Oh,
I'm having a fabulous time
here in New York.
It's amazing
how they've cleaned up
that Times Square area.
You know,
I think if God
does not destroy
Times Square,
he really owes
Sodom and Gomorrah
an apology.
I like
a very religious group
we have here.
I like
at least they're trying
to keep inflation
down here.
This is the only
major city in America
where you can still
see a movie
for 25 cents,
which is kind of...
I like those places
they have those signs
for mature adults
only.
Yeah,
most mature adults
stand in a little booth
with their pants
at their ankles
watching movies.
It's a pretty good sign
of maturity.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
I mean,
God forbid
if some immature person
should somehow
slip past
the tight security.
I'm sure
there's some
psychological profile
testing that goes
into that
before you're admitted
to the premises.
Yeah,
yeah.
Now,
when are you going
to get home again?
I'm not home
until June.
Is that right?
I'm going back
to your hometown.
I'll be,
I'm doing Indianapolis
Speed Week.
I'll be at that
Crackers that I mentioned.
Is it called,
it's not called Speed Week.
It's called Speed Week,
which alludes to the race,
not to, again,
the more popular thing
we can't talk about.
No, no, no,
I know that,
but it's,
no,
they don't call it Speed Week.
They call it Speed Week,
the Indianapolis 500.
It's the,
what are the dates?
The day,
what is it,
the 25th or something
through the 31st.
Then I'm going back
to one of my favorite cities,
Austin.
What do they call it there?
They call it Austin.
They don't have a race there.
Oh,
I don't,
I don't think they call it
Speed Week in Indianapolis.
No,
yes,
they think they,
No,
no,
no,
no,
no,
they have the,
they have the,
they have the time.
The guy said,
you want to work Speed Week.
I said,
sure.
Now,
I admit,
among the hip lingo
among us road guys
is probably Speed Week.
To an armchair general
like yourself,
I imagine the big race
is probably more appropriate.
Well,
maybe I've been out
of the game too long.
Oh,
yeah,
I've gone everywhere.
Pittsburgh,
Pittsburgh.
Do you like Indianapolis
when you go there?
I have a good time there
because I meet all these people
that used to know you
and they bring me
embarrassing photos
and things of you.
They tell me
heartwarming stories
of the time you helped
their cat and things like that.
No,
I liked Indianapolis.
Oh,
it's a good town.
I like it there.
That's why I'm going back.
Speed Week,
huh?
Speed Week.
Jay Leno,
ladies and gentlemen.
You know him,
you love him,
you can't live without him.
We'll be right back
to bust up stuff
with the steamroller
after station identification.