Name: Rupert Jee's Favorite "Late Show" Moments | Letterman
Uploaded: 2022-12-20T16:09:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rupert Jee's Favorite "Late Show" Moments | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rupert Jee's Favorite "Late Show" Moments | Letterman' from Letterman on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-20. Transcript available.

Hi, I'm Rupert G, owner of the Hello Deli here in Midtown Manhattan.
We were fortunate enough to have Dave move into this area,
and we've been involved with them for the last 22 years.
We miss them dearly.
Before Dave came in, this neighborhood was pretty fringy.
The theater was pretty much empty most of the time.
Two years after I opened, Dave moved in.
I really do believe Dave created a renaissance in this area.
One of my favorite moments shooting with the lay show
was the time when they invited three of the major advertising firms
to create an advertisement for us.
When in New York, come by and see
a place that's owned by Rupert G.
The night is gracious, the night is gracious,
at Hello Deli.
Take off your coat and stay wild.
I'm the friendly staff.
They're serving cheese fries to creepy, dumb guys.
At Hello Deli, there's lovely meals and incredible feels.
At Hello Deli.
Hello Deli is now affiliated with the Broadway musical,
Hello Deli, and it is through the broadcast.
Throughout the years, I've met so many celebrities coming here.
Lyle Lovett came in a couple of times.
Willie Nelson, we shot with Alec Baldwin.
Glenn Campbell, the Foo Fighters were in here.
I was always very fond of Tom Jones and Engelberg Humperdinck.
They were babe magnets, and I loved the music,
and I loved watching them perform.
When the lay show informed me that Engelberg was going to come to the deli
to sing all night long, I was pretty thrilled about that.
All night I have Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
I think I did about three kissing scenes with The Late Show.
I think one was the lady comes in to the deli here and for whatever reason, you
know, we started kissing there.
The one that I remember was when I was delivering something and she opens a
door and we start sucking face.
Turkey and Munster on a hero and a Pepsi. That'll be $7.85.
Whatever.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
How about that?
I enjoyed that.
I enjoyed part of that.
Now, Rupert, did that actually happen?
Well, no, but I've got more.
Okay, well, sure, let's see.
Oh, save me, son.
I'm hungry, too.
Don't worry, lady.
Rupert's a full-course meal that will satisfy all of your appetites.
Now, I hope that's all, Rupert.
Well, kind of.
Actually, what really happened was...
Oh, no, look out.
Don't worry, ladies.
Rupert's a full-course meal that will satisfy all of your appetites.
Coming in on what?
You know, the feeling you get when you're at high places and you get this
sensation in your lower extremities?
Well, I get that in my dreams.
And so, you know, one day the late show approached me and asked if I wanted to
skydive.
Well, I thought, you know, perhaps if I do the skydive, I will no longer have
this fear of heights anymore.
I tried it, but I still have that fear of heights, though.
So, as we get closer to the ground, we want to make sure we have our body
configured in the proper...
Well, how high up am I right now?
You're about three feet off the ground.
Okay, okay, because I'm already scared out of my mind.
Not a problem.
Can we meet the guy who's packing my shoe?
Sure, come with me.
Okay.
It doesn't seem like you have much of a system here.
It's the end.
You just got to get in the bag.
That's the tough part.
I got to start over.
Oh, God.
So, basically, my life is in this guy's hands.
At this point, yeah.
I do this every day, dude.
I want my money back.
In case something happens, I had the graphics people put something together.
I see trees and trees.
If this doesn't get me laid, will I get my money back?
Oh, we'll get you laid.
There's one thing I need to do before I go up.
I think Dave was trying to find a way to increase business for me.
And so, he said, why don't you do the Slurpee thing?
The power of Dave's marketing.
Once we installed it the following day, I mean, we had lines out the door for
Slurpees.
We had so many people that we couldn't even keep up with the demand.
And we subsequently had to purchase a second one.
It wasn't a healthy drink, but, boy, did we blow it away.
Rupert, you seem like a smart happening guy.
It's summer.
It's so hot outside.
People are, it's broiling.
Literally broiling.
And the only thing that really will take the sting out of this heat is what a
Slurpee.
Of course it's a Slurpee.
Doctors will tell you that.
So, did you go out and get a Slurpee machine?
Uh, yes.
Wow.
Wow.
All right.
Where is the machine, Rupert?
Well, it's right over here, Dave.
Oh, now, see, I'm glad you got the machine, but, I mean, what, are you hiding
it?
It should be in the window.
It should be in the window.
How many flavors do you have?
I've got two flavors.
I have cherry and lemon lime.
All right.
Now, how many of these have you sold?
I haven't sold any yet.
Well, why haven't you sold?
You know why?
Because you got it hidden.
It might as well be in the back room.
It might as well be in your apartment, for God's sakes.
All right, let me see a dispense one.
I'd like a cherry, a Slurpee.
A cherry?
Paul, what do you want?
I like that lime thing.
All right, Paul would like a lime.
We're not paying for these, Rupert.
Okay.
These are on the house, my friend, okay?
All right.
Well, let me see what you did there.
What does it look like?
Oh.
Oh.
I'm cooler already.
Now, make one for Paul.
All right, Rupert, close the store and run here as quickly as you can.
Okay, I will, Dave.
Come on in with those Slurpees.
Now, what are you charging for the Slurpees?
$2.95 plus tax.
Well, that's crazy.
I mean, for frozen water?
No, it ought to be.
We're looking at a $6 value.
Seriously.
That ought to be a $6 value.
Okay, I'll raise it.
At $2.95.
At $2.95, you're going to take a bath.
All right, bring him in, Rupert.
Come on.
Here we go.
Rupert G, ladies and gentlemen, bringing in the Slurpees.
All right.
Very nice.
Nice job.
Rupert G, ladies and gentlemen.
Rupert G, machine.
Wow.
Tremendous.
Let's try them together, Paul.
Yeah, I got my trying.
You know what I like is this space-age dome that they're in.
Beautiful.
Oh, my God.
That's slurpalicious.
Exactly what I was saying.
Slurpalicious.
Slurpalicious, yeah.
When I was informed that the Jets invited me to go over there and shoot, I mean,
to me, it was a thrill of a lifetime.
I've been a Jet fan since I was a kid.
It was like a dream come true.
Congratulations on your victory.
Do you think you could have done it without me?
I don't know, man.
Since you was...
I was going to ask you some questions about the game.
Would you do something for me instead?
Hi, I'm Chad Pennington.
Wherever I'm in Midtown, I stop at the Hello Deli.
I stop at the Hello Deli.
I stop at the Hello Deli, my favorite place for lunch.
So score a touchdown for tastiness and go to the Hello Deli.
Go to the Hello Deli.
Go to the Hello Deli.
Tell them Chad took you.
Oh yeah, dressing in drag, that was very uncomfortable.
I think it started with Howard Stern came into the show in drag one time, and
so they wanted me to do that.
It's hard walking on heels.
Coming this spring to theaters everywhere, the story of America's worst
nightmare, Rupert G's private arts.
He was hounded by health inspectors.
Rupert, I'm fining you another $10,000.
Your menu continues to violate community standards.
Go ahead, fin me, you moron.
Hey, Rupert, can I get a lesbian gyro?
Damn right you can.
This is America.
Lesbian gyro.
His outrageous behavior offended thousands of customers.
Rupert, can I have some extra ketchup?
Sure.
If you take off your shirt and give me a lap dance.
Rupert G's private parts.
Stalling Rupert G as himself.
And featuring TV's Paul Schaefer, as talk show host David Letterman.
Come on in here, you handsome son of a bitch.
Rupert G's private parts.
Coming soon.
This thing has not yet been rated.
Actually, the Fun with Rupert thing, I didn't even know what it was all about.
All I knew was called Fun with Rupert.
Basically, we just went around town pissing off people.
It was very difficult the first time around.
But, you know, when we started doing it, Rob and Dave was just laughing like
kids.
And the first thing that came to my mind was, well, if they're laughing, then
it's going to be a hit.
You know, some of the stuff I did, I can't even believe I did.
And I think if they were to ask me to do it again, I'd probably say no.
Hi, ladies.
Ladies.
My name's Jeffrey.
My name is Jeffrey.
Or you can call me Joffrey.
You can call me Joffrey.
Joffrey.
What do you want?
What do you want?
I would like the tomato and mozzarella bocache sandwich beans.
I'll tell you what, I'm going to have to go across the street and get it there.
I'll tell you what, I'm going to have to go across the street to get it there.
Because they know how to make a sandwich.
Because they know how to make a sandwich.
We don't know what the hell we're doing here.
We don't know what the hell we're doing here.
We're just playing grab ass in the kitchen today.
We're just playing grab ass in the kitchen today.
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on that bread.
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on the bread.
No, would you stop it?
I'm serious.
What's the problem?
What's the problem?
It's a condiment.
This is a condiment.
You're aggravating the hell out of me.
I don't want pepper on my bread, okay?
I said no.
Where would you like the pepper?
Where would you like the pepper?
I don't want any right now.
All right, how about your friend?
How about your friend?
I want you to get out of my face.
I want another waiter.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Who are you, Martha Stewart?
Who are you, Martha Stewart?
Away from the table, okay?
Touch me, die.
Go away.
Go away.
My, what a lovely attitude.
My, what a lovely attitude.
Bon appétit.
Bon appétit.
Carry it over there by the rim.
By the rim.
By the rim?
Yeah, just with your thumb down in it.
Yep.
Get it down in there.
Just get it all the way in.
Is it in the water?
Yep.
Okay.
There you go.
You know, I don't want to take that back.
Just take it back.
What's the problem now?
Put your finger in my glass.
Just get out of here, okay?
Well, who are you?
The Queen of England?
Who are you?
The Queen of England?
I guess I am.
But I don't want your finger in my glass, okay?
So get out of my face.
It was my thumb.
It was my thumb.
Your thumb, your finger, whatever.
I don't want it.
Rupert, can you see if they've got, like, rubber gloves you can carry it out
with?
Can you get your thumb down in it?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Here you go.
There you go.
I don't know if you guys read this.
When I was at Men's Theater, there was this Hispanic kid who I was bothering.
He had a Michael Jordan t-shirt on.
Hey, everybody.
It's Michael Jordan.
Look, everybody.
Hey, everybody.
It's Michael Jordan.
Look.
Hey, Michael.
Hey, Michael.
Seven years later, someone sent me an article.
Apparently, this guy was a hitman from the cartel.
There was a failed assassination attempt against El Chapo, and so he had to
flee.
The FBI actually recognized him.
He subsequently got killed in a shootout himself.
I love traditions, especially holiday traditions.
The meatball or the relational Christmas tree, it's been an ongoing tradition
for, I believe,
at least 15 years.
Every year, the neighbors would get together.
Joey G's would put the pizza on top.
Mujibar and Saraju would top it with the Empire State Building, and I would
climb up the ladder
and put a giant meatball on top of it.
It was such a big meatball, I didn't want it to fall apart, and so I used a lot
of eggs
and breadcrumb.
That's a good binder for the meat.
It was something I always look forward to.
The follow-up was, for the Christmas show, Dave or a guest would try to knock
the meatball
off the tree.
No!
I thought he hit it.
Next one ought to take it out of here.
Stop the music.
That's driving me nuts.
Where's the music?
Well, I mean...
Now, that's what it was.
That's not even...
That's what it was.
This is embarrassing.
Let me do a replay of that.
All right, you ready?
Here we go.
Take it out of here.
Any time I want to, any time I want to, any time I want to, any time.
How about that?
First time that Dave ever came in here, he starts commenting about, you know,
the sandwich
that was named after him.
And as soon as he left, I said something like, what a jackass.
And as soon as he left, I said something like, what a jackass.
And as soon as he left, I said something like, what a jackass.
And as soon as he left, I said something like, what a jackass.
And as soon as he left, I said something like, what a jackass.
And as soon as he left, I said something like, what a jackass.

Rupert Jee's Favorite "Late Show" Moments | Letterman

Hi, I'm Rupert G, owner of the Hello Deli here in Midtown Manhattan.
We were fortunate enough to have Dave move into this area,
and we've been involved with them for the last 22 years.
We miss them dearly.
Before Dave came in, this neighborhood was pretty fringy.
The theater was pretty much empty most of the time.
Two years after I opened, Dave moved in.
I really do believe Dave created a renaissance in this area.
One of my favorite moments shooting with the lay show
was the time when they invited three of the major advertising firms
to create an advertisement for us.
When in New York, come by and see
a place that's owned by Rupert G.
The night is gracious, the night is gracious,
at Hello Deli.
Take off your coat and stay wild.
I'm the friendly staff.
They're serving cheese fries to creepy, dumb guys.
At Hello Deli, there's lovely meals and incredible feels.
At Hello Deli.
Hello Deli is now affiliated with the Broadway musical,
Hello Deli, and it is through the broadcast.
Throughout the years, I've met so many celebrities coming here.
Lyle Lovett came in a couple of times.
Willie Nelson, we shot with Alec Baldwin.
Glenn Campbell, the Foo Fighters were in here.
I was always very fond of Tom Jones and Engelberg Humperdinck.
They were babe magnets, and I loved the music,
and I loved watching them perform.
When the lay show informed me that Engelberg was going to come to the deli
to sing all night long, I was pretty thrilled about that.
All night I have Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
Oh my God, Engelberg Humperdinck singing love song.
I think I did about three kissing scenes with The Late Show.
I think one was the lady comes in to the deli here and for whatever reason, you
know, we started kissing there.
The one that I remember was when I was delivering something and she opens a
door and we start sucking face.
Turkey and Munster on a hero and a Pepsi. That'll be $7.85.
Whatever.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
How about that?
I enjoyed that.
I enjoyed part of that.
Now, Rupert, did that actually happen?
Well, no, but I've got more.
Okay, well, sure, let's see.
Oh, save me, son.
I'm hungry, too.
Don't worry, lady.
Rupert's a full-course meal that will satisfy all of your appetites.
Now, I hope that's all, Rupert.
Well, kind of.
Actually, what really happened was...
Oh, no, look out.
Don't worry, ladies.
Rupert's a full-course meal that will satisfy all of your appetites.
Coming in on what?
You know, the feeling you get when you're at high places and you get this
sensation in your lower extremities?
Well, I get that in my dreams.
And so, you know, one day the late show approached me and asked if I wanted to
skydive.
Well, I thought, you know, perhaps if I do the skydive, I will no longer have
this fear of heights anymore.
I tried it, but I still have that fear of heights, though.
So, as we get closer to the ground, we want to make sure we have our body
configured in the proper...
Well, how high up am I right now?
You're about three feet off the ground.
Okay, okay, because I'm already scared out of my mind.
Not a problem.
Can we meet the guy who's packing my shoe?
Sure, come with me.
Okay.
It doesn't seem like you have much of a system here.
It's the end.
You just got to get in the bag.
That's the tough part.
I got to start over.
Oh, God.
So, basically, my life is in this guy's hands.
At this point, yeah.
I do this every day, dude.
I want my money back.
In case something happens, I had the graphics people put something together.
I see trees and trees.
If this doesn't get me laid, will I get my money back?
Oh, we'll get you laid.
There's one thing I need to do before I go up.
I think Dave was trying to find a way to increase business for me.
And so, he said, why don't you do the Slurpee thing?
The power of Dave's marketing.
Once we installed it the following day, I mean, we had lines out the door for
Slurpees.
We had so many people that we couldn't even keep up with the demand.
And we subsequently had to purchase a second one.
It wasn't a healthy drink, but, boy, did we blow it away.
Rupert, you seem like a smart happening guy.
It's summer.
It's so hot outside.
People are, it's broiling.
Literally broiling.
And the only thing that really will take the sting out of this heat is what a
Slurpee.
Of course it's a Slurpee.
Doctors will tell you that.
So, did you go out and get a Slurpee machine?
Uh, yes.
Wow.
Wow.
All right.
Where is the machine, Rupert?
Well, it's right over here, Dave.
Oh, now, see, I'm glad you got the machine, but, I mean, what, are you hiding
it?
It should be in the window.
It should be in the window.
How many flavors do you have?
I've got two flavors.
I have cherry and lemon lime.
All right.
Now, how many of these have you sold?
I haven't sold any yet.
Well, why haven't you sold?
You know why?
Because you got it hidden.
It might as well be in the back room.
It might as well be in your apartment, for God's sakes.
All right, let me see a dispense one.
I'd like a cherry, a Slurpee.
A cherry?
Paul, what do you want?
I like that lime thing.
All right, Paul would like a lime.
We're not paying for these, Rupert.
Okay.
These are on the house, my friend, okay?
All right.
Well, let me see what you did there.
What does it look like?
Oh.
Oh.
I'm cooler already.
Now, make one for Paul.
All right, Rupert, close the store and run here as quickly as you can.
Okay, I will, Dave.
Come on in with those Slurpees.
Now, what are you charging for the Slurpees?
$2.95 plus tax.
Well, that's crazy.
I mean, for frozen water?
No, it ought to be.
We're looking at a $6 value.
Seriously.
That ought to be a $6 value.
Okay, I'll raise it.
At $2.95.
At $2.95, you're going to take a bath.
All right, bring him in, Rupert.
Come on.
Here we go.
Rupert G, ladies and gentlemen, bringing in the Slurpees.
All right.
Very nice.
Nice job.
Rupert G, ladies and gentlemen.
Rupert G, machine.
Wow.
Tremendous.
Let's try them together, Paul.
Yeah, I got my trying.
You know what I like is this space-age dome that they're in.
Beautiful.
Oh, my God.
That's slurpalicious.
Exactly what I was saying.
Slurpalicious.
Slurpalicious, yeah.
When I was informed that the Jets invited me to go over there and shoot, I mean,
to me, it was a thrill of a lifetime.
I've been a Jet fan since I was a kid.
It was like a dream come true.
Congratulations on your victory.
Do you think you could have done it without me?
I don't know, man.
Since you was...
I was going to ask you some questions about the game.
Would you do something for me instead?
Hi, I'm Chad Pennington.
Wherever I'm in Midtown, I stop at the Hello Deli.
I stop at the Hello Deli.
I stop at the Hello Deli, my favorite place for lunch.
So score a touchdown for tastiness and go to the Hello Deli.
Go to the Hello Deli.
Go to the Hello Deli.
Tell them Chad took you.
Oh yeah, dressing in drag, that was very uncomfortable.
I think it started with Howard Stern came into the show in drag one time, and
so they wanted me to do that.
It's hard walking on heels.
Coming this spring to theaters everywhere, the story of America's worst
nightmare, Rupert G's private arts.
He was hounded by health inspectors.
Rupert, I'm fining you another $10,000.
Your menu continues to violate community standards.
Go ahead, fin me, you moron.
Hey, Rupert, can I get a lesbian gyro?
Damn right you can.
This is America.
Lesbian gyro.
His outrageous behavior offended thousands of customers.
Rupert, can I have some extra ketchup?
Sure.
If you take off your shirt and give me a lap dance.
Rupert G's private parts.
Stalling Rupert G as himself.
And featuring TV's Paul Schaefer, as talk show host David Letterman.
Come on in here, you handsome son of a bitch.
Rupert G's private parts.
Coming soon.
This thing has not yet been rated.
Actually, the Fun with Rupert thing, I didn't even know what it was all about.
All I knew was called Fun with Rupert.
Basically, we just went around town pissing off people.
It was very difficult the first time around.
But, you know, when we started doing it, Rob and Dave was just laughing like
kids.
And the first thing that came to my mind was, well, if they're laughing, then
it's going to be a hit.
You know, some of the stuff I did, I can't even believe I did.
And I think if they were to ask me to do it again, I'd probably say no.
Hi, ladies.
Ladies.
My name's Jeffrey.
My name is Jeffrey.
Or you can call me Joffrey.
You can call me Joffrey.
Joffrey.
What do you want?
What do you want?
I would like the tomato and mozzarella bocache sandwich beans.
I'll tell you what, I'm going to have to go across the street and get it there.
I'll tell you what, I'm going to have to go across the street to get it there.
Because they know how to make a sandwich.
Because they know how to make a sandwich.
We don't know what the hell we're doing here.
We don't know what the hell we're doing here.
We're just playing grab ass in the kitchen today.
We're just playing grab ass in the kitchen today.
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Would you like some fresh ground pepper?
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on that bread.
Let me put a little fresh ground pepper on the bread.
No, would you stop it?
I'm serious.
What's the problem?
What's the problem?
It's a condiment.
This is a condiment.
You're aggravating the hell out of me.
I don't want pepper on my bread, okay?
I said no.
Where would you like the pepper?
Where would you like the pepper?
I don't want any right now.
All right, how about your friend?
How about your friend?
I want you to get out of my face.
I want another waiter.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Who are you, Martha Stewart?
Who are you, Martha Stewart?
Away from the table, okay?
Touch me, die.
Go away.
Go away.
My, what a lovely attitude.
My, what a lovely attitude.
Bon appétit.
Bon appétit.
Carry it over there by the rim.
By the rim.
By the rim?
Yeah, just with your thumb down in it.
Yep.
Get it down in there.
Just get it all the way in.
Is it in the water?
Yep.
Okay.
There you go.
You know, I don't want to take that back.
Just take it back.
What's the problem now?
Put your finger in my glass.
Just get out of here, okay?
Well, who are you?
The Queen of England?
Who are you?
The Queen of England?
I guess I am.
But I don't want your finger in my glass, okay?
So get out of my face.
It was my thumb.
It was my thumb.
Your thumb, your finger, whatever.
I don't want it.
Rupert, can you see if they've got, like, rubber gloves you can carry it out
with?
Can you get your thumb down in it?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Here you go.
There you go.
I don't know if you guys read this.
When I was at Men's Theater, there was this Hispanic kid who I was bothering.
He had a Michael Jordan t-shirt on.
Hey, everybody.
It's Michael Jordan.
Look, everybody.
Hey, everybody.
It's Michael Jordan.
Look.
Hey, Michael.
Hey, Michael.
Seven years later, someone sent me an article.
Apparently, this guy was a hitman from the cartel.
There was a failed assassination attempt against El Chapo, and so he had to
flee.
The FBI actually recognized him.
He subsequently got killed in a shootout himself.
I love traditions, especially holiday traditions.
The meatball or the relational Christmas tree, it's been an ongoing tradition
for, I believe,
at least 15 years.
Every year, the neighbors would get together.
Joey G's would put the pizza on top.
Mujibar and Saraju would top it with the Empire State Building, and 